Triumph or Tragedy?...

While this title speaks to my last post...I am, of course, referring today to the death of Osama bin Laden. As an American citizen, military girlfriend, and mother...I am relieved that this battle appears to be over. But as a Christian believer, practicing hippie, and born-again human...I fear that the battle has just begun.
It is a classic war...Good vs. Evil...Right vs. Wrong....Us vs. Them. I am conflicted...yes I believe that O.b.L. was a morally corrupt, hateful, vengeful person..who killed innocent lives to further his own agenda. Yes I believe in a God that differs from his...I believe in faith and promise. I believe in civility, and faith, and peace. I also believe in justice, and Karma, and Hell. And while I differ drastically from him in my beliefs, I also believe that, as a human, I should be outraged at the overwhelming joy in his death. He was flawed, clearly, but only by OUR standards..OUR religion..OUR beliefs.
I am not saying that I condone, or even forgive, what he did. Clearly I do not. My heart hurts for all those who have been lost, who mourn, who still suffer. I cried when 9/11 happened..just like the rest of the country. I cry still. I watch soldiers and sailors leave home to defend a country that has seldom defended them. I stand with pride for the flag and I bow my head for military funerals. I pray ceaselessly for the men and women still fighting unknown and unseen enemies. Osama bin Laden believed in something very different...quite possibly something known only to himself. And while he now stands in judgement before whatever God he answers to..it is not for me, or anyone else, to offer judgement here on Earth.
I am relieved that he is dead...that maybe now my beloved country can find some peace...maybe now those lost and those left behind can find some solace, some comfort, and some rest. Maybe now we can let go of the fear and hate that consumes our nation. Or maybe we will simply find another reason to spread hatred...find another Devil waiting in the shadows...find another focus for our fear. More likely the latter.
You see....anger begets anger. Hatred begets hatred. And as we have proven....killing begets killing. It is a vicious cycle of violence that we perpetuate and celebrate. Are we any better than O.b.L.....we killed him out of principle, duty, and retaliation. He hid behind ideals and religion..an invisible concept to which he held firm. We have lost many, true, but we have also taken lives, broken families, and held firm to our own standards. The lives of foreign soldiers are no less valuable than the lives of domestic ones.
Make no mistake...the war is just beginning. There will be followers and O.b.L. will be martyred in a way that we cannot begin to comprehend. We have spent a decade hunting and vilifying a man..a mad evil man to us...but a hero to others. There will be retribution, retaliation, and return. We may never fully recover from the tortures that we inflict upon the world. I fear the future we leave for our children.
Here is what is in my heart at this hour...we celebrate the death of a man (a man...nothing more)...and this death does nothing for us, represents nothing to us, and stands for nothing about us. We are overjoyed, but our lives remain virtually unchanged. His death will not bring our troops home...in fact, it will increase the need for their presence more than ever. We must stand firm in faith....we must celebrate the one man...Jesus...who died willingly for us~and whose death means more than violence and war and turmoil. We need the peace, love, and forgiveness that He offers us..that He sacrificed for us...and that He promises us. Without that..we are a nation bound to repeat the sins we are trying to repent.
And once again...this is all just my humble opinion. I sit quietly in prayer today for my nation, my heart, and those that I love. I pray for understanding to consume us...and healing to begin.

Waving the white flag...

There comes a time when you realize that the battle is much bigger than you..sometimes it isn't even a battle, but more likely a war. You discover the weapons used are far more sophisticated. You learn that the outcome favors the opposing side. You have lost your faith, lost your hope, and lost your reason. You have sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears...and it isn't enough. Life requires more. Love requires more. Faith requires more.
And since you have no more to give...you surrender.

Swallow...

{I just realized that my title sounds completely dirty...}
I am a terrible Norwegian. I am not tough, I am not confrontational (mostly), I am sober. What the Hell is wrong here? It seems as if not only did I give up Amaretto for Lent...I gave up drinking all together. So let me tell you what this lesson teaches us....
1. I am not having any fun.
2. My life is showing me how much it sucks.
3. People piss me off.
4. The Life road crew needs to get busy fixing the chuckholes in my path....
So really...here's what I have been thinking on the last few days...I swallow life in an attempt to keep it manageable. I mean this literally and figuratively..whenever I am anxious, worried, nervous, or depressed..without thinking..I instinctively swallow drink (or food..or pills..) in order to push away the uncomfortable negative experience that I am feeling within. I thirst...but it isn't for coffee, or wine, or....*GASP*...Amaretto. It's for inner peace, and deeper connection, and meaning, and answers.
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, believed that alcoholism was a sacred disease. It occurred to him that "it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally refer to alcoholic drinks as spirits, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the Spirit than others, that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or better yet, a spiritual condition." I believe this is probably true. Mostly. I have such a passionate thirst for creativity, for spirituality, for life...that I just don't know what I truly need to satisfy my cravings. I realize that I am really thirsty for joy and serenity...I understand that I am not dehydrated but spiritually and emotionally dry.
This has proven especially true of late. I have been broken lately. I am walking a dark, twisted, bumpy path and it has brought me to neither light nor revelation. I need a fork in the road. I need to change directions. I say again..I need the road crew to pave on ahead of me....I'll catch up. I have been blaming myself for alot of ills. I have been carrying unnecessary..unwarranted...unjustified guilt. I have been hiding behind anger, and fear, and doubt. These burdens have made my path harder to navigate and longer to walk. And they make the thirst greater and the drink bitter.
NO MORE. I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am removing negativity and replacing it with promise. I am walking away from hurt and welcoming healing. I am going to stop swallowing life...I am going to start consuming it. Breathe...see...hear...taste....define...recognize....rejoice.
"Your thorns are the best part of you" ~ Marianne Moore. I am accepting the thorns..and allowing the rose to bloom. I hope it's pink...and really pretty.

Take two and call me in the morning...

I know that there has been mass hysteria and blind confusion regarding my whereabouts of late. Everyone can come down from the ledge now...I am alive. I have been struck down by the wrath of Spring ( I assume Mother Nature inflicted me because I got mouthy.)...I have been suffering the nastiest cold/cough/fever EVER. Seriously...it's been a rough few days. I finally managed to drag myself into the shower the other day..because let's face it...in my condition..if I can smell myself I must be ripe! So...today my germies and I are up and trying to be productiveish. While I was down I read the following quote.."the body is, quite literally, our vehicle for being-for giving, for loving, for moving, for feeling-and if it doesn't work, it's fairly certain that nothing else in our lives will work, either." Word. So I am taking care of said body and willing it to work.
But just so you know...I will be out of town for the next few days. A little business, a pinch of pleasure, and a ton of pictures. Stay tuned.
Oh...and to any "concerned" parties who might be wondering...I don't care about you...or your drama.
Kisses from quarantine!

Glad That's Over...

I am just going to be honest here people.."Government Shutdown 2011" was growing tiresome. Now that isn't to say that I wasn't just a little bit worried. Because, let's face it, they are messing with my lifestyle. Yes, that was funny...but in all seriousness...I was concerned about paying our bills, and keeping food on the table, and him having a job to go to come Monday morning. Oh and I couldn't WAIT to get the email/phone call from her.."Yes, I know the Government halted funds..but where is my money?"
Now, I don't tend to put too much stock in anything that comes out of D.C....Hell, even the football team sucks. But shouldn't there be some kind of safeguard in place for things like this? I mean from everything I read it seems as if Congress continues to get paid no matter what? For what? For living in a plush penthouse and bossing people around? Meanwhile there are soldiers and sailors dying for the liberties that the Fat Cats abuse. And they want to punish them for the mistakes of our Government. And it isn't just the enlisted that suffer..it's the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and children of those military..those left at home to make ends meet on what little the Government gives them to live on. It is a disgrace. It's sad that these men and women..most of whom are proud to do what they do everyday...are disrespected by the very forces that require their service. Governments start wars...and ask the men and women in uniform to carry the torch for them...while they hide behind policies and politics.
Yes...the Military is a job. Yes...it's a chosen profession. One that they don't do to get rich. But we would never dream of asking doctors, or lawyers, or *gasp* movie stars to take a pay cut...or, worse yet,...wonder if they were even going to get paid. And I'm pretty sure that Brad Pitt doesn't spend 10 months a year away from his family living in a war zone. (but he does live with Angelina Jolie...a war zone all wrapped up in crazy..so while I am going to cut him some slack..his paycheck still has more zeros in it than ours. So fuck him.)
I am blessed to live here..I am a proud American...and I love God and Country. But I fear my Government. And if you aren't outraged...you aren't paying attention.
And all of that is just my humble opinion.

Yay!...

Well what do you know?....Mother Nature and I are on speaking terms again. Thanks Momma Nat for reading my blog and accommodating my needs. After a week of nasty, shitty, cold, icky rain...she blessed me with two beautiful days. Now...I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and all that (which by the way I think is one of the STUPIDEST sayings ever)...but it was almost a tad warm today AND a little too breezy...so maybe a touch more tweaking and we will be RIGHT THERE. Let's try tomorrow...OK then? Thanks a bunch! You're a peach!!
I also want to send a big THANK YOU shout out to the nice folks at El Azteca for feeding me and the family tonight. I just could NOT deal with rummaging, planning, cooking, and cleaning. Plus...they have guacamole. Enough said.
That's about it for tonight. Yep...I'm pretty sure that's it.
(unless that creaking in my bones means more rain...in which case...I am gonna need to have another chat with the lady in charge! Oh...and my condolences to those of you who have recently gotten SNOW! Yeah...sucks to be you!)

One wish...

The list of things that I need, want and/or desire is extensive. To name a few...I want financial freedom (as in I want to win the lottery). I want a stable, loving, honest relationship. I want a cute house with a picket fence (preferrably paid for..by someone else). I want a studio filled with adoring (read paying) customers. I want a good solid nights sleep. I want relief from the constant pain that I suffer. I want world peace....and lower gas prices. I want her to go away...forever. I want my cute puppy to stop barking at stupid shit. I want a walk in closet full of shoes (wait...almost there). Most of the time I want people to just leave me alone.
But do you know what I want more than anything else in the entire universe? A bathroom with a door and a fucking lock. Think bank vault secure. Seriously. That way, I can take a piss...alone...without the entire household descending upon me. Hell, even the dog has to come in and lay across my feet. Really? I can be in the house with them all day...and no one speaks to me or acknowledges my existence...but Jesus...the minute that my bladder asks for a little millisecond of time....all holy hell breaks loose. All of a sudden everyone has a gazillion and four questions...that have to be answered rightnowhurryupineedtoknow.....or matters of mass importance arise....or plans for dinner have to be finalized. I WANT 10 SECONDS....10 FUCKING SECONDS. No one is going to get infected with stupid or starve to death or push the button starting an atomic war in the time that it takes me to dribble some pee. I promise. But I bet if I went in there and started yakking...not a single soul would need me then. In fact..I bet my house would turn into a damn ghost town. With tumbleweeds.
See? I'm a simple girl....just one bathroom door. And ten seconds. OK...Maybe a minute. One minute...alone...that's all. I swear I will get back to spinning the world as soon as I am done. And take the dog with you when you leave.