Dear Summer...Hurry Up!!

I am seriously sick of Mother Nature. I mean...really. She needs to relax a little...maybe go on a date or something. What is her issue? Why must she play with my emotions? She gives me a week of beautiful sunshine and puffy clouds...and then she yanks it away and replaces it with grey skies and cold shitty rain. Screw her...I say we skip Spring and move right on into Summer. That'll show her.
So here it is...almost April (Jesus Holy Schamolie...it's almost April. When the Hell did that happen?)...hard to believe. Things are moving right along here at Chez Haven...winter is boxed up and stored away, people and pets have emerged from hibernation, life is dusted off and polished up. Spring cleaning is completed...all we need now are some warm breezes and some sunshiny goodness. And those warm breezes better be stirring some shit up...because really...I need some shit to happen around here. I've got a list *this long*....
With Smalls help, I changed the family command center....a little early I know...but change has to start somewhere. Between work, and home, and family...the changes this month are plentiful...better to get a head start I say! And I love the look of the dry erase board on the first day...when it's neat and clean and not full of stupid shit. So as I was perusing Aprils offerings...I decided the whole month should just be ignored and possibly even eliminated all together (as my beefcake future ex husband Mr. Church says.."the tax man and the devil share the same address"...). Truth. Sooo...anyways....

I have been writing this post for like hours...I'm so over it now. For serious. Time to call it a day...
Check me tomorrow!!!
Goodnight and God bless.

Rant In Progress...

*Due to my excessive and overabundant usage of all the naughty words in the English language, this post is rated B for Bitch.*

Be prepared, dear grasshoppers...I am breaking blogging rules 2 and 4. I might even type in all caps and bold all my words...just to make sure this sinks in. REALLY. WELL.
A little info about me. If I tell you that I am learning to be more peaceful and happier...you can bet I am. If I tell you that I will pray for you...you can bet I do. And if I tell you that you are living your life in a way that creates chaos and makes people want to kick your skanky ass....you can damn sure bet it's got an ounce of truth behind it (even if it is only my humble, over educated, observant, don't give a fuck about your feelings opinion.). Because that's how I roll. I don't lie. I don't steal. I don't cheat. And other people probably feel the same way I do..they just don't say it out loud or to your face. But I am not afraid of you....you aren't scary.
If you actually read my blog, you will find alot of my own thoughts, observations, and opinions. Not once have I claimed to have all the answers. Not once do I profess perfection. I don't and I'm not. I do not expect it of others. We all have demons and skeletons in the closet. That is human fucking nature. Some are worse than others, yes....but most people accept them and move on. What they don't do is spend their whole lives blaming everyone else for why they are fucked up.
This is what I expect of others...to GROW THE FUCK UP. This isn't High School people. So your marriage didn't work out (whether its husband one, two, five, or twenty)...stop feeling sorry for yourself. And really....take some responsibility for it. My husband was an asshole...but maybe if I hadn't been a bitch we could have lived happily ever after. Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore..it happens. Maybe he got tired of sharing your nasty pussy with everyone on the block...that happens too. So you have children...me too. And yes..parenthood is hard. Single parenting sucks. I get it. I also get that when times are hard financially...I need a job. So I fucking get one....yes it cuts into my sleep schedule. Yes I can't have as much fun. Yes I can no longer play Martha Stewart Suzi Homemaker...oh. fucking. well. My bills get paid, my child can eat, and I am a successful adult. (and I provide without child support, or alimony, or joint tax returns...and my kid is smart, polite, and well adjusted...so I must be doing something right huh?) The point that I am making here is that bad shit happens to everyone...life blows. Suck it up...and move on.
I digress...my blog is a direct result of personal requests from family and friends for me to write again. Because I am good at it. Because I enjoy it. Because writing makes me happy. And because I deal with stupid fucking shit all fucking day..I have alot to say. And while I apologize that you may have been offended...this isn't about you. So shut the fuck up. (Oh...I'm sorry...did I hurt your precious feelings?)
THIS IS MY BLOG....therefore I am free to think, speak, write, preach, delete, edit, and otherwise own anything I want. (The First Amendment at work!) You don't have to love it. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to relate to it (although it probably IS about you). Hell...I don't even care if you fucking READ it. I'm not here to make friends. I'm not here to impress anyone, or be politically correct. This is who I am...frequently hilarious, occasionally wise and otherwise entertaining. Non perfect, uncaring, and bitchy. I certainly don't care what you think of me...whether you like me....or whether you want to smash my face with a hammer. Just so you know.
So I swear like a sailor. So I drink like a fish. So I am impatient, inappropriate, and illogical. It's all part of being a flawed, imperfect sinner. I pray. I repent. I attend church. That's between me and the God that I worship. I don't ask you to come along. I don't force my religion on you. I don't ask yours. If you believe...that's great. If you don't...that's fine too. Whatever gets you to the flip side of your choosing. And while I believe in faith...I am also a firm believer in Karma. You get what you give. Good or bad...rich or poor...Karma is equal opportunity. And she's a nasty bitch. So you will find here in the confines of the blog my process...it is neither hypocrisy or prophesy.
So here's what it all boils down to....pay close attention:
If you don't like what I have to say...if you think I am anything less than authentic...then MOVE THE FUCK ON. Nobody invited you anyway.

Authenticity...

According to Webster's Dictionary, to be authentic is to be "not imaginary, false or imitation." To be authentic is to be "genuine, veritable, bona fide, being actually and precisely what is claimed." The only thing that I can genuinely claim to be is myself. My best has to be good enough...even on a bad day. I have to stop being so hard on myself..I have to stop wanting to be a perfect version of someone I am not. Did you know that Amish quilters will deliberately add a mismatched patch to each quilt to remind themselves that only God can create perfectly? I need to remember that...that I am not perfect...I don't have to be.
I can tell you that I am authentically alot of things. I am authentically creative. I am authentically a mother. I am authentically sad. Some days everything comes easily, naturally. I realize that all I am is all anyone truly needs. Other days I am impossible to quiet. I have too many unfulfilled desires and delayed dreams. I'm sick and tired of waiting for the inner changes I seek to manifest themselves on the outside.
These dark days come...more and more frequently. And while I know that this sadness is a temporary derailment..it still takes much from my heart. Sometimes I am sad for very apparent reasons...overwhelming loss, worries about money, increased pain and concerns about my health. Other times I don't know why I feel so bad...which makes me feel even worse. It could be a million different reasons...an appalling lack of appreciation (by myself and by others), exhaustion, the weather, hormones, the phase of the moon, or maybe it's just part of the process of finding my inner self.
I wish that I could say that this spiritual and creative growth was smooth, predictable, and painless. No such luck. It comes in spasms...three steps forward, two steps back, and then long periods where nothing happens. It's during these nothing periods when I notice the "sads". I can barely get myself dressed..much less out the door. I look like Hell..and I don't care. I can't remember if I showered yesterday..or the last time I washed my face. Smalls voice is insistent and irritating...mine is shrill and impatient. Days seem bleak, not bright with promise. It's taking more work than I expected to discover who I really am and what my heart desires...and now I'm not sure I even want to find out.
So I am learning that when these days present to me, what can I do besides holding on and riding out the storm? I have two choices. I can simply give in, stop resisting, get on with it. I can ask for grace, have a good cry, pull the covers up and sleep it off. I can indulge-without guilt-in something purely for medicinal reasons..like an extra glass of Amaretto. I can soak in a hot tub, go to bed early, try to be grateful, and turn out the light. OR...I can shift gears. I can ask for grace, call my bestie and talk it out. I can wash my face, style my hair, put on lip gloss and perfume. I can find a reason to leave the house and do something I enjoy. I can treat myself kindly and with patience. Whatever path I choose I simply need to remember that within twenty-four hours the day will be over. Tomorrow should be better. My mood should pass. And I will have discovered another layer of my heart along the way.
"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes alot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want." Sue Bender

...Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So, tonight I pray. For peace, for calm, for understanding. I pray that what I am, what I offer, and what I strive to become may finally be enough. I pray for the wanderlust to finally leave my heart and allow for a settling of my soul. I pray for love, for trust, and for transformation.
Goodnight and God bless.

What a slacker!...

So I practically begged and pleaded for you to read and follow my blog...and then I haven't posted anything new. What the Shit is up with that? I don't suppose it's because I've been busy or anything...I mean...I DO have a social life. (OK I don't really...but since I don't want you to think I am a loser or anything...). And guess what? I'm not really posting anything now either!! I checked the smart part of my brain..and it appears to be AWOL...so I might actually have to WORK for a post. Give me some time to think of something...
Or to make something up!

Tired, Tired...and Tired.

Exhaustion has nothing on me. I am beat. Seriously. I don't even really feel like blogging but I wanted to say Hello...and Goodnight. So...Hello. And Goodnight!
No really...so much upcoming excitement. I will tell you all about it soon! Until then....
Zzzzz.....

Just checking in...

I know that it has been a few days....I am sorry. It has been crazy busy. Spent the last weekend shopping and celebrating a friends milestone birthday. Now we are busy preparing the house for guests! So...I spent 5 hours today cleaning Smalls room (the one she has been "cleaning" all week.)...and let me just tell you...that girl can hoard some shit with the best of them! How does one little tiny sweet girl accumulate so much useless crap? And it was shoved everywhere...yes your room looks better...because you hid all the shit under your bed and behind your dresser and in the drawers. Really? So I threw shit away...lots and lots of shit. And I moved the furniture..twice. And I cleaned the carpets. And I expected full on ape shit when she got home from school...notta. I got a..."Hmmm...I think I like the room this way." What way? Clean? I should hope so...maybe we can try keeping it that way? I give it a week. Tops. For serious.
Let's see....what else did I do? I put away a shit ton of laundry. I organized my closet. I cleaned the dining room. I made all the beds. I petted the puppy. I fixed lunch (don't get all excited...sandwiches.) I created a bed for the kittens. I checked homework. I caught up on my readings. I made a few lists. I thought about doing some other things. I changed my mind.
I even cleaned both bathrooms...I H.A.T.E. cleaning bathrooms. I would rather rip off my arms and soak in a tub of rubbing alcohol. I would rather drink drain cleaner. Hell...I would rather clean my kids sty. OK..all a little extreme..a little. Maybe. But I sucked it up....and cleaned them. And they look fabulous...so fabulous that no one is allowed to piss until the company leaves. Harsh? Not even a little.
Looks like tomorrows to do list consists of deck cleaning, windows, and floor mopping. I am sure that I don't get paid enough for this...do you think if I change my name to Cinderella I can run off with the handsome prince? (I'm pretty sure he already has a maid.) Just wondering.
I am wistfully looking at my bed...I think it misses me. We haven't had much quality time together lately....and since I am too exhausted to share anything wise...or possibly even coherent...I am going to allow the mattress this victory.
So Goodnight and God bless...and see you in the morning!

Oh happy day...

My last post was a bit yucky. My apologies. (To you...not to the douchebag.) Tonight's will be a ton lighter. Short...but sweet!!
It was an amazingly gorgeous day here in my world...so I cheerfully voluntold the family that we were taking "a field trip". They have lived with me long enough to know that those words mean...."mom is gonna take a bunch of pictures and she is making us tag along." True. So I conned manipulated schemed forced invited them to join me at the Botanical Gardens. Loverly! We ALL had a wonderful time, got filled to the brim with sunshiny happiness, and no one died in the process. Success!!!
Oh...and I managed to get a few pictures in the process. I'd say that's a good day.
So...check them out on the Eos Photography blog (ummm tomorrow) or Facebook...whatever poison you prefer..and hopefully they will bring some luminous joy to your life!
Oh...and Happy Pinchy Day!!
Peace.