So my very funnest, most experienced, slightly neurotic chum Lou and I set out on a shopping experience of epic proportions. Fifteen some hours later...let me tell you some shit. My friends...I present to you...Black Friday-The Unedited Edition.
8 P.M. Thursday: Toys-R-Us. For real. You crazy ass bitches are lined up around the block and the doors don't open until 9. I am waiting comfortably in the passenger seat laughing at your stupid selves. And then...here comes idiot number 1. This woman gets out of her truck and straps a little bitty baby on her chest...are you for real? You leave that baby at home while you do this shit. Clearly you are retarded. Sure enough....2 minutes later, lady and baby come back to truck. That's what I thought. You know what stupid bitches...you should all just go home. Keep your money...we in a recession. It is decided...you crazy mother fuckers can HAVE the shit...I don't need anything in there so bad that I am waiting in line for it. Outta Here!
10 P.M. Thursday: WalMart. What the Holy Hell? First let me state that my list is small. I am small. And meek. And scared as fuck. Crazy got nothing on these bastards. And really?...bath towels are on sale for 1.87...they are 2.00 normally. Must we pile nineteen gazillion in our carts, thus rendering the rest of us...as they say...shit outta luck.? And don't even get me started on the 2 slice waffle maker for 2.84. Hey everyone out there (other than MY friends and family...) you are getting a waffle maker for Christmas. And your cheap ass relatives only paid 2.84 for it. I know this because Mr. Douchebag informed me that the 25 he had in his cart were the VERY LAST 25 in the entire store. REALLY? Here's 3 bucks....how bout you give me one? So..no waffle maker...on to item 2....looking everywhere...stupid WalMart...WAIT! There they are....cue Lou and her Super Stealthy Ninja moves. Last 2? Yeah...I think I WILL take them. Oh...YOU wanted one? OK...but I licked all over this fucker. Yeah...I didn't think so. I'm done...get in line. Thirty minutes (and one 9.00 blender) later, it is revealed that we are..in fact...NOT in the check out line. What the fuck have we been waiting for for thirty minutes? Crickets. Check out...go.
1130 P.M. Thursday: Target. Again with the lines. Again with the sitting in the car. Waiting. Waiting. Wait...WHAT? Please tell me that the crippled woman walking past me on one crutch is not SERIOUSLY planning on entering that store with that mob of people. They are gonna run her over, kick her in the face, and then finish beating her to death with her own crutch. All I can think of is a blind deaf mute dumbass running with the bulls in Pamploma. Although when I finally went in myself...I didn't see any blood on the floor. So I am left to assume that she made it out alive. Good for her. Hey...crazy ass 60 year old lady...next time leave the Sonic the Hedgehog hat at home. Only a few people can pull off that look. Heard from Lou: "We gotta go to the bananas." "What?" "Bananas." "What?" "Ba. Nan. As."...use Super Secret Ninja skills un-necessarily. Nine million and four of needed items stacked ever so neatly on floor in front of...the bananas. Oh and see that skanky looking ho in the pink sweatshirt? She's my ex room mate. (Lou..not me) Employ stealth maneuvers to avoid possibly toxic interaction. Check out...next!
1 A.M. (ish) Friday: Parking Lot. Hungry and in need of caffeine. Random driving. IHOP. Not open. Bastards. More driving. Dunkin Donuts. OPEN! Pull on door. Locked. Read sign. Drive thru only. Drive thru..order coffee and bagel. Wait for workers to fly to Columbia, grow beans, harvest, grind, and brew. Get food. Have to pee. Random driving to find bathroom.
2 A.M. Friday: Walgreens. Success. Bathroom break. Weird ass manager has to open bathroom door using top secret code from the Pentagon. Bladder evacuation completed, we decide to scope out the sale items that we will be purchasing at a later time in the day (sale starts at 7.). Weird ass manager sells us said items at sale price...and follows us around store...and in general makes himself a creeper. Purchase complete, we wait in parking lot eating bagels and drinking coffee until time to go to next stop.
330 A.M. Friday: JCPenneys. Pull into parking lot. Store supposed to open at 4. People roaming inside. Lou pissed because we missed opening. Get to door. Find out JUST opened. Lou does not feel bad about cussing store. Get free ornament. Ask where item is located. Find item quickly. Get 2. Go immediately to check out. Pay. Gone.
4 A.M. Friday: Mall. Go to Bath and Body Works. Lou makes AMAZING purchase and gets a shit ton of free crap. Anna is jealous. JELLO. For serious. Leave store and go to Old Navy. Take sit down break outside entrance. See Skanky Ex Room mate inside. Determine she must be stalking us. Opt out of confrontation and possible shanking. Leave mall.
5 A.M. Friday: Michaels. Go to location in ritzy neighborhood. Utopia. Deduct that all the rich bitches are at home sleeping because they can pay full price for their shit. Scope out sale items. Discover Penguin Hat of Awesomeness. Model hat for Lou and other cool cat customers. Party atmosphere all up in the aisle. Decide that hat must be purchased. Lou needs one too. Finish shopping after scouring every last inch of store. Choose check out line Woman in front of me is purchasing 9 gazillion wreaths. And 18 bazillion stick like things. Makes no attempt to hurry the fuck up. Choose different line. Woman in front of me is purchasing 8
mazillion canvases. Purchases all 8 mazillion. Doesn't like price AFTER paying. Haggles with unsuspecting cashier. RETURNS all 8 mazillion. RE BUYS all 8 mazillion at sale price. Goes on the "list" Choose another line. Have small SNAFU with credit card. Lou fixes problem. Leave store as the sun is rising. Retinas begin burning. Pull out of lot just as canvas lady is leaving store. Briefly consider vehicular homicide.
630 A.M Friday: Office Max. Way too early in the morning and 12 hours of shopping and we get Amethyst as our sales girl. How about you Shut The Fuck Up? You are way too fucking pleasant for this hour of day. Lou buys camera. Not camera intended to buy...but we confer and after considering my professional advice she seems pleased with purchase. Amethyst still fucking talking.
730 A.M Friday: Starbucks. Heaven!! Order coffee. Find comfortable bench. Prop feet up on chair. Check Facebook. Boring. Spend the next 30 minutes discussing...LOUDLY...stupid people and shit we've seen. Language moves from acceptable to inappropriate. Determine that twelve plus hours with Lou makes for legitimate relationship. Mood lifted. Body caffeinated.
8 A.M. Friday: Rite Aid. Go to first store. Closed. Go to second location. Lou is in crack heaven. Go on mission to locate items. Stop to check blood pressure. High. Blame Starbucks. Sort through bin of fuzzy socks.
9 A.M. Friday: K Mart. Go immediately to toy department. Locate first item. Too high on shelf. Ask for help. Very nice associate retrieves it for Lou. Ask location of second item. Do not see item on designated shelf. Anna employs Super Secret Ninja mode and finds item hiding behind other items. Tricksy bastard. Pay.
930 A.M. Friday: AC Moore. Craft hell. Find Snoozies. Funky ass slippers made of joy. Buy 2 pairs (one for me and one for Lou.) Decide tired cranky feet will thank us later. Wait in line at register area. Make fun of ugly mistletoe prisms. Talk to cute young girl in front of us buying sewing machine in order to make her own socks. Decide that she is a loser with no life and no prospects for getting laid. Comment on fact that hems of my black pants are covered with glitter and I am uncomfortable with that.
11 A.M. Friday: Game Stop. Lou needs games for new Xbox for her and children. Pick out options. Make decision. Put purchase in back of van and realize that shopping bags exceed space allotted. Time to go home.
1145 A.M. Friday: Home. Banish child to nether regions of house. Unload purchases from car. Hug Lou. Put on Penguin Hat of Awesomeness and Snoozies. Commence snoring.
SHEW! I am sure that I missed some of the finer points of our shopping excursion. But as you can very plainly see...there was never a dull moment. You will be pleased to know that I am almost completely finished with my shopping this year. Yay me! And just for the record...I saved almost 300 dollars on my purchases.
So...thanks Lou for the adventure!! And just to be clear...I am still wearing the hat and the funky ass slippers.
XOX
That was the BEST NIGHT EVER! I would not have wanted to share that night with anyone other than YOU! Your re-telling of the story was amazingly fantastical!! So, my dear....well done! And kudos on surviving the BEAST!! <3
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