Friday, December 14, 2012

Preparing for Resolutions...

Well. It seems it's that time of year again. That time of year when the inadequacies of our lives start poking around in our brains and our subconscious...and maybe even making themselves a little more outspoken and irritating in our public lives....the parts that should be private and quiet and hidden away. The parts that we are ashamed of. The parts we want to forget about. The parts we SAY we want to fix....but we all know we don't. And won't. In an effort to save time...and some unnecessary frustration...I have decided to keep things base and simple this year.
I have tried very hard to make my life an open book....give in order to receive. Love, so that others may love you back. Practice kindness and watch kindness spread. Let hate and anger order to welcome peace and calm....YEAH.....
2013 can suck that plan.....cause it worked like an atom bomb to my heart in 2012. Fuck that plan. I am READY to kick 2012 to the fucking curb...BUH BYE BITCH. You can take your 'peace and calm' and well....{BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP}. (In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not entirely sure what just happened right there. But editing was ABSOLUTELY in order. My apologies.....moving on.)
So here's the new plan of action for 2013. The Resolutions for those less inclined to shut the fuck up and just go away (, me). The Resolutions for those tired of swallowing the hate, and anger, and pride (, again me). The Resolutions we ( that I mean I)..keep...cause we (...I..) WANT to.

 (If you're a scardey might want to start being scardey.....cause shit's about to get real ugly. And it's prolly about YOU. Bless your heart.)

1. Grow my very small seed of hatred to a beautiful burning bush of contempt. Fertilize it with your bullshit and water it with your ever present tears.
2. Use more appropriately placed swear words when describing you, dealing with you, or having any normal conversations about you. Invent new ones if necessary.
3. Stop secretly planning/plotting revenge and allow Karma to put her plans out in the open. No more hiding. Just sit back and wait for your own implosion. Because let's face're doing a better job destroying your own life than anyone else EVER could. And it's so much more fun to watch from the sidelines. (OH...and since we aren't "friends" anymore, I don't feel bad about not being there to pick your fat wailing carcass up off the floor when some other drama 'serves' you.)
4. Define the differences between disdain, hatred, and full on loathing. Because you seem to have them confused. Once everyone is clear...I shall publicly announce the winner in each category. Give cheap prizes!! Everybody loves cheap prizes.....and you are about as cheap as they come.
5. Close my circle of friends. No new applications will be accepted. Shred all old resumes. Use wood chipper if necessary. Bridges are burned. Second Chance Bus has left the station. Probably should tell you case I don't have an opportunity later....."tsk...I told you so."
6. Do everything in my waking power to destroy all those who oppose, dislike, or have ever tried to ruin me. The past is BACK....and its PISSED. Check your lies...cause I'm coming to check them for you.
7. Find supreme and glorified happiness in your misfortune and misery. And it's coming. Soon. Watch your back.
8. I am going to smile, and cheer, and bat my eyes, and send you cards, and pay your bills, and pray for your heart, and worry about your precious children, and pretend that I am your biggest supporter and best friend.....
        all while I go to bed with the amazing husband you threw away, have coffee in the morning with the amazing best friend you threw away, and live the most amazing life...that you threw away.
So I will sit and drink wine excessively and stupidly to 2013 and to all the GREAT KARMIC changes that are coming. Thanks to my KARMA RESOLUTIONS 2013.

And if you don't like them.....
Well, then I suppose I would, very sweetly and with much love, suggest that you Fuck Off Sweetie!

Laters Taters!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Easie Peasie Lemon Squeezie..Black Friday 2012!

As most of you know, last year I braved the Black Friday Shopping Extravaganza with my bestest chum Louper. An adventure of EPIC and COSMIC proportions occurred. I had doubts that such a feat could ever be topped.....and stand firm in my belief that it was truly a once in a lifetime event. (For those that might require reminding...please pour a cup of coffee, relax, and read aloud here.)
I had HIGH HOPES for a repeat performance this year. Karma however did not. The odds were NOT ever in my favor for Louper Banana Crazy Ninja Night. Work issues made it impossible to leave on the date I needed to, my wedding anniversary fell on Thanksgiving this year (making it a little more challenging to ask to be away from the sweet Hubs...for shopping), money was wicked tight since now we are making an extra car payment each month we didn't really bargain for, and the freaking trains just don't understand my NEED to NOT want to be on a Greyhound bus for another 5 hours after riding on your train all night. SSSOOOOO.......looked like my trip to Virginia, to Louper, to Jennays house for Thanksgiving, to the money spending madness, to fame and glory and laughter and tears and bad coffee and bladder accidents---CANCELLED.

{Insert sad Banana} 

So, I consoled myself with too much Thanksgiving food, climbed miserably into my warmest comfiest most socially unacceptable pyjammies I could find....and crawled into bed. I turned on the TV, I relaxed with the Hubs and the Small, we laughed, we watched movies, and in general...we had an amazing time. I totally missed the bestest chum....and wondered what she was doing (smashing into people with carts?), where she was (Starbucks?), how many people she had killed (< 2 was my best guess), and if she was miserable (the answer better be yes.).
AND THEN....Louper calls me!!! "Heller. Banana! I have picked up the vast majority of items on your gift lists this year and a few more that I thought you SHOULD add. Because I am awesome and amazing. Go ahead and tell me so. I'm waiting. OK, you're in can tell me later. So glad we had this chat. Continue on. Love you."
OK...the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that. Point is...MY BEST FRIEND ROCKS!!! And no one else can have her...because clearly I am unable to function or survive without her.
Long story Holiday shopping is nearing completion...thanks to one super amazingly awesome bestie, some comfy jammies, the internet, the alignment of the stars, UPS, and my debit card.
And I never had to leave the house!
Easie Peasie Lemon Squeezie.

Startin' the Holidays off Happy!!!!


Sunday, November 4, 2012


Isn't it funny, the twists and turns we find on the road of life? Love and loss..happiness and sadness..plenty and want. Seems as if waiting around the bend is another obstacle, another hill, another chasm, another need....something to distract us from where we are going....or worse yet...who we are.
We could spend our whole lives moving from challenge to challenge...placing blame and deflecting change...OR we could rise above it and realize that the challenges in front of us are opportunities to become something greater. We can change where we are, who we are, what we want, where we are going. We can develop, we can grow, we can strive, we can learn. We can move beyond the ugly and the regret and the want and the what if. We can BE...and HAVE...and DO. We can take all the things that bog us down, chuck it aside, and soar. AND NO ONE HAS TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
Because your path is different than mine....and we are walking in different woods. So, stop focusing on WHERE the path is heading....or, God forbid, where it's been....and just stop following it. Start making your own. Or, if it's really brambly and overgrown (like mine has been)...start taking to the skies. Because a cloudy sky is still a better path than a dirt road.

Hoping your skies are blue and clear...and that you always have room to soar.

Later Taters!


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Friendship As It Applies To You...

As some of you may, or may not, know...I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reinventing lately. Sometimes I am successful at changing my heart while other times I find myself stuck in my own rut of self inflicting harm. What I have found most interesting about this journey is the people I have found along the way. And the things I have learned about them.
I find it so fascinating that the more you learn about yourself, the more you learn about the kind of people you want in your inner circle. I know that sounds simplistic....of course you want to surround yourself with people as awesome and amazing as you are. People who have similar morals, similar beliefs, similar goals, similar lifestyles. You never imagine that you will INVITE chaos, toxicity, drama, and heartache in. And yet, one day, you wake up...and there it is....staring you in the face and dragging you down into the pit to stand beside it.
It's so funny to meet someone. You spend years confiding in them, loving them, trusting them, believing in them. Then you lose them. It happens all the time. Then twenty years later, you wake up next to them. You kiss them goodbye tell them fall in love all over. You are given a second chance. People come and go. Sometimes its a GREAT thing.....
And sometimes its really, really, REALLY bad. You see....I've learned some things about friendship lately. I have come to learn that I am not always the best friend that I could be. I don't call like I should. I'm not always there. Sometimes I would rather sleep than chat on the phone. Sometimes my job, or my daughter, or my husband, or my bills, or my own life come before you. Sometimes I am selfish and self absorbed. But for all my faults....I am always honest. I am always supportive. I am always loving. I will always remember your birthday. I will buy you random amazing gifts just because I thought of you....and I will think of you OFTEN. I care about you...and your family...and your happiness...and your successes and failures. But sometimes I am a bad friend.
But I am THERE.
What I have learned recently, is that sometimes that isn't enough. Friendship is, like any other relationship, a two way street. It's hard. It takes work. It involves two people who WANT to be there, and be present, and be amazing. It can't be one person giving and giving and giving.....and constantly being rejected. Because eventually the one giving decides that real life...and other relationships..are more fulfilling. And sometimes, it takes a slap in the face to wake you up.
I tried. Really I did. I WANTED to be your friend. I loved my flawed, and broken, and difficult way. I let you in...when I didn't want to, against my better judgement, kicking and screaming at times. When I didn't HAVE to....when it would have been easier to hate you...when it would have been easier to walk away...when it would have been softer on my heart....I DID. When he begged me to let it go, to let you go..I persisted. Because I wanted to see the good in you...I wanted to believe that you had changed...I wanted to prove them wrong.
But then you hurt me. And him. And her. And them.
Over and over and over. Because that is who you really are. You use people...and when they are used up, you move on. Unannounced and unexplained. And you will blame me...I wasn't there for you, or good enough, or nice enough. And you will say that I hurt you. Because you are ever the victim. You needed more than I could give you....not that I ever really knew what that was.
But make no mistake....this is NOT an apology. I find it liberating that you are gone. Funny how sometimes you don't see what's right in front of took you walking away for me to realize the toxicity of you. I am free to focus on my family, my job, my life, my friends, my health...all the things that are important to me (and have been neglected recently in favor of you). I have realized that I can love without you, I can move without you, I can laugh without you, I can live without you.
And honestly...I don't really miss you.
You see, friendship is about communication. It's about mutual respect. It's about spending your time caring as much about the other person as you do about yourself. It's about not being a bitch. I wish you luck with your new "friends"...but until you learn these simple will never know what it means to have an untarnished and honest friendship. And, eventually, you will find yourself alone.
And on that note....I am uber and ever thankful for the loves of my life, my very best friends, and the people who make me tick..My Dear Husband, My Bestie Louper, My Favorite Author Preener, and My Crazy Small. I am loving that I am given the opportunity to reunite with friends from my past (due to our recent move back to our hometown) and our bi-weekly Dinner Dates/Girls Night Outs. I am appreciative of an amazing job that has allowed me to meet and associate with intelligent and wonderful people. And I am always more than blessed by my small but fierce family.
Not to mention all the crazy love I have for all of wicked loyal and always awesome readers!
So, saying goodbye to toxic non-friends and welcoming peace in my life. Moral of this blog?....Bitches Still Be Bitches....And Don't Make Very Good Friends. So...move along. Not so nice knowing ya.

Later Taters!

Friday, September 7, 2012


I stumbled upon this today and it seemed to speak directly to my heart. In these tough times that we are facing, it occurs to me that perhaps I need to make some choices. Make some changes. Get motivated. Be useful. Excel. Pick myself up. Listen to what I say. And tell the rest to sit down and shut up. Or better yet...just go away. Because while the struggles of the outside world CONTROL me...I should never let them CONSUME me. 

Because I have the power to choose. And I AM choosing. Better. Stronger. More. Sooner. Bigger. Bolder.
I choose to love my family, embrace my faith, express my passion, explore my creativity, and cultivate my soul. I choose to nurture my friendships, but release the pains that have held me back from being who I want to be. I choose to let go of the ties that have bound my heart....allowing it to finally roam, free and unencumbered and happy. For I feel as if my wanderlust has finally managed to accept it's place in a corner of my world.
So today...what will YOU choose? To keep? To let go? To tuck away in a box? To give back to the world?
It's all yours to decide....but listen to your inner voice. Not the random opinions of others. Because they are wrong. And they need to sit down and shut up.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Instagram...You're Killing Me.

I'm completely joking, of course. I LOVE Instagram. L.O.V.E.
My phone, however, does not.
Probably because I have a mean nasty phone that doesn't like anything except making weird random noises in the middle of the night...for no apparent reason other than to irritate me. Well played phone. Well played.
I am sure the fact that I recently threw tossed chucked heaved  fumbled dropped said phone into a massive swimming pool (completely by accident...yeah, let's go with that. ACCIDENT) doesn't bear any fault. Coincidence that I was attempting to capture a photo for Instagram when this incident occurred? I think not.
So...I am fairly new at this whole Instagram thing. And my phone is (as previously discussed) slow and cantankerous and snarky and ill we do what we can! But OH!...the things you can do! It's a learning process all around....and so I just keep on a learnin'!
Here's what I have figured out that Instagram is used least by me....
ROADTRIPPIN'!!!!: Boredom, Entertainment, Tracking, oh...and boredom:

RANDOMNESS!!!!: Cause sometimes you just see something random. Thank God for camera phones!:

SUSIE HOMEMAKIN' CRAFT CLUB!!!!: Who knew I had it in me? Just in case I needed proof:

MY BITCHES!!!!: Don't be a a potater!!

FAMILY!!!! The ultimate in why you need to document everything. Just in case the authorities need to know where the kids hid your body! I'm totally kidding (yeah kidding...totally...maybe....slightly fibbing....downright scared it could be true....):

See all those people? I LURVE them!!!!! They are what makes me tick. And not in a tourettes seizure kinda way. The good way. And they know it. Or they better.
So there's my Instagram love of the day. If you are on the dumb thing (and by dumb I mean totally freaking awesome!)...give me a holler! We can be Insty Pals. It's like Pen Pals....but cooler. Like us.
Later 'Taters!!


Monday, August 27, 2012

Our Bucket. The Re-Visit...

Hi There, nice people!! Where has the Summer gone? Seems like we've taken our bucket full of summer and dumped it out to make room for all the fall!!! Pack it up sand...the leaves are a movin' in!!!
So...I guess a little unloading and updating are in order? (If that sounds familiar, it's because that's what's happening in our LIVES as well! Packing, moving, job hunting, house hunting, nomadic..another blog for another day, dears.)... Let's recap our list from the summer...

Make something beachy that will remind us of home.  COMPLETED
Make homemade lemonade-and sell it from a stand. COMPLETED
Go on picnics. COMPLETED
Make homemade ice cream.
Find and buy the perfect house for us. (We FOUND it. We are still working on the BUYING it!)
Enter the Summer reading contest at the library. COMPLETED
Create canvas art for studio space.
Make bottle cap wind chimes.
Paint the Dining Room table and Buffet. 
Mod Podge top of bistro table.
Chalk the sidewalk. COMPLETED
Make sponge bombs. Play backyard War.
Fly kites.
Go on a 'Date With Dad'. COMPLETED
Lie on backs and look for shapes in clouds.
Go to Connor Prairie.
See a symphony on the lawn.
COMPLETED Go on bike rides. Conquer the bike trail.
Spend a whole day in PJ's playing board games .(We didn't play board games. But we DID work a puzzle. That counts..right?)
Make a Summer Smash Journal together. 
Take photo outings. Complete Portfolio.
Make wreathes and welcome mats.
Make homemade laundry soap and fabric softener.
Make friendship bracelets. COMPLETED
Tie Dye stuff.
Make custom Cornhole boards and bags.
Create stuff for Smalls new bed & bath. COMPLETED
Go to a baseball game. COMPLETED
Go to auctions. COMPLETED
Send letters to soldiers and sailors overseas.
Lay on a quilt and stargaze.
Go to a drive-in movie.
Make garden items-bird bath, rain barrel, patio furniture.
Make bead sun catchers.
Spend one day doing random acts of kindness.
Go to Farmers Market. Buy that nights dinner. 
Plan a garden of our own.
Pick our own Strawberries.
 Make Strawberry Freezer Jam.
Create Family Binder.
Go to a water park.
Make homemade banana splits.
See how Krispy Kremes are made.
Go on a Dolphin Cruise.

Wow!!!!Look at all the stuff that we managed to get done in there. And we went to the Fair. And we went swimming. That was ALOT of fun! And we made crafty stuff..AND we started school. AND I had 9 gazillion medical appointments (again...another blog!). AND we moved cross country (like twice..but whose counting?!). AND we had brand new baby weenie puppies. So...I'd say that's a pretty darn good summer.
Now we need a 'Bucket Full Of Autumn' list. Sooooooo.........don't be all hatin when I bring down the leftovers from summer. I don't want them to feel unloved or unwanted! Here...we...go...

Make homemade ice cream.
 Buy our perfect house.
Create canvas art for studio space.
Make bottle cap wind chimes.
Paint the Dining Room table and Buffet. 
Mod Podge top of bistro table.
Make leaf piles. Jump in them. Repeat.
Fly kites.
Go on a 'Date With Dad'.
Lie on backs and look for shapes in clouds.
Go to Connor Prairie.
See a symphony on the lawn.
Spend a whole day in PJ's playing board games. In front of fire.
Make a Smash Journal together. 
Take photo outings. Complete Portfolio.
Create workable Studio space.
Make wreathes and welcome mats.
Make homemade laundry soap and fabric softener.
Start 'Homesteading'.
Tie Dye stuff.
Make custom Cornhole boards and bags.
Go to a football game.
Go to auctions. Look for dining room chairs.
Send letters to soldiers and sailors overseas.
Lay on a quilt and stargaze.
Go to hockey game.
Go to a drive-in movie.
Make garden items-bird bath, rain barrel, patio furniture.
Make bead sun catchers.
Spend one day doing random acts of kindness.
Go to Farmers Market. Buy that nights dinner. 
Plan a garden of our own.
Go to Apple Orchard. Pick apples and pumpkins.
 Make Apple Butter and Pumpkin Pie.
Bake homemade bread. Lots of it. Mail it to everyone.
Create Family Binder.
Plan coffee dates with old friends.
Paint patio chairs.
Walk twice a day. Take the dogs..
Work on Holiday Card List.
Lose Weight.

I love Fall...but...SHEW!!!! Gonna be a busy one!!! Gathering up some excitement about finally being back in the hometown after all these years...and while I miss places, and things, and especially PEOPLE..that I left behind....there is so so much to look forward to.
Until next gentle with yourselves!!!


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Moving On...

Well, boxes have been packed and loaded into the truck (and hopefully on their way to Indiana), walk-through and turn over completed, tears were shed, pictures were taken, and we drove away from the curb one last time. It was much harder than I expected...but I am glad that it's over.
Thank you to the amazing friends and family that have helped us...whether it was loading our shit on your truck and driving it across town, letting us crash on your couch for a week while in transition, babysitting (and loving) my puppy babies during the process, praying for our futures, talking me down from the ledge when the stress got a bit too high, or just being there...we couldn't have done this without you.
And seriously...I have the BEST friends and family.
Things are still crazy..but I am confident that good things are coming...better things. Getting excited about looking for a new house and beginning the rest of our lives. Hoping that it all happens quickly and painlessly..and with minimal financial hardship!!
So..there you have it. Not much else to tell you about. Catching up on some reading, taking naps, and in general taking it easy. The real fun begins next week...
Will keep you posted on our progress!
Thanks for hanging in there with me. Been a hell of a ride so far!


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Our Bucket Full Of Summer...

***HEY! I know I TOTALLY told you that last nights post was my last for awhile...but turns out that I begged pleaded conned convinced the movers to generously pack my computer last. So trying to squeak a little more out. THIS might really be it...typing fast.***

The Summer Bucket List thing seems to be going around. I think it's an amazing idea...and have read a couple blogs that have inspired me. So...I asked around....and was told that, with full blessings and pardon, I TOO should create a list for my little bitty fun family.
Not that the timing of this is fantastic or anything. Our lives couldn't BE any crazy busier. But I love a challenge. So here goes nothing:
(I suppose that this list may be evolving and changing. Be prepared...and patient. #Newbies)

Make something beachy that will remind us of home.
Make homemade lemonade-and sell it from a stand.
Go on picnics.
Make homemade ice cream.
Find and buy the perfect house for us.
Enter the Summer reading contest at the library.
Create canvas art for studio space.
Make bottle cap wind chimes.
Paint the Dining Room table and Buffet. 
Mod Podge top of bistro table.
Chalk the sidewalk.
Make sponge bombs. Play backyard War.
Fly kites.
Go on a 'Date With Dad'.
Lie on backs and look for shapes in clouds.
Go to Connor Prairie.
See a symphony on the lawn.
Go on bike rides. Conquer the bike trail.
Spend a whole day in PJ's playing board games.
Make a Summer Smash Journal together. 
Take photo outings. Complete Portfolio.
Make wreathes and welcome mats.
Make homemade laundry soap and fabric softener.
Make friendship bracelets.
Tie Dye stuff.
Make custom Cornhole boards and bags.
Create stuff for Smalls new bed & bath.
Go to a baseball game.
Go to auctions.
Send letters to soldiers and sailors overseas.
Lay on a quilt and stargaze.
Go to a drive-in movie.
Make garden items-bird bath, rain barrel, patio furniture.
Make bead sun catchers.
Spend one day doing random acts of kindness.
Go to Farmers Market. Buy that nights dinner. 
Plan a garden of our own.
Pick our own Strawberries.
 Make Strawberry Freezer Jam.
Create Family Binder.
Go to a water park.
Make homemade banana splits.
See how Krispy Kremes are made.
Go on a Dolphin Cruise.

SHEW! Tired just thinking about all that stuff. But wicked excited about memories made with my family and friends. Just loving the summer....and trying to survive it!!
Will keep you flush with pictures! Stay Tuned!


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

For My Daughter...

I love you. Today you graduate Fifth grade. And while this seems like a small step in the grand scheme of your is the beginning of the rest of your life. You are learning to find, and sometimes create, your own path. You are sprouting wings and, in the absence of steps, testing flight. And, much to my broken heart's dismay, you are learning to walk away.

Not from us entirely...but you are discovering your freedom. You are establishing your own boundaries and sticking your toe into the water of the world. Just know that the water gets warmer...but also sometimes deeper. There will be crashing waves that will make you lose your footing. There will be high tides and low tides. It doesn't matter if you surf, or sail, or swim. As long as you stay afloat.

And you will. Because you are strong. And tempest. And determined. You already know that you possess the sun and the moon. And are both in my heart.

You are an amazingly complex individual. You are full of light, and laughter, and love. You will...of this I have no doubt...move mountains, and stir cities, and shake people. You will change the world. You have already changed mine.

I want to remind you of all the wonderful things you are....beautiful, intelligent, creative, adventurous, kind, generous, funny, weird, sometimes crazy, loving, forgiving, emotional, responsible, giving. I hope that you will never let anyone convince you otherwise. Remember that you are a precious gift. Expect kindness. Demand respect. Settle for nothing. Want for more. Always.

I pray that you will know happiness. That you will teach tolerance and kindness and generosity of spirit. That you will leave your mark on the world in a way that I never could. That you will always remember where you came from, who you are, what you want, and where you are going. That you will never make excuses for buying the shoes, staying up late to read, or eating another doughnut. I pray that you will travel without a map or a destination. That the lines on your face be from laughter instead of worry. I pray that hurt and sadness and bitterness and want never find a home in your heart. I pray that you will embrace your faith..and trust your soul. I pray that you will always leave people a bit better than you found them. I pray that you will find success, worth, and most importantly, I pray that you will find love. A love worthy of all that you are...and all that you give.

You are growing. And changing. I am infinitely proud of you and the young lady you are becoming. I am honored and humbled to be your mother. I love you...crazy and wild. And in your moments...happy, sad, lost, and found...I will be your home. I will always be your home.


P.S. This will, unfortunately, be my last post for awhile...due to the moving process! I promise to update you all as soon as the dust settles! I miss you already! XOX!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bitches Be Potatin'...

Saturday was hella fun with my favorite ladies. Roadtripping. I highly suggest it. Who cares if you end up exhausted, sunburned, sore, and confused?! It's all worth it...
I am going to attempt to rehash some of the frivolity, bitchiness, and utter hilarity. But some of it will just need to remain in the confines of the truck....for the safety and sanity of the people involved. #TeamShadyPotatoes!

Up EARLY. Pack picnic lunch. Lou picks me up. Late. Head to Heathers house. Pick her up. Head to ferry boat to cross over to North Carolina. None of us have ever been on the this is bound to get interesting. Get to boat launch area..early. Good for us since Lou drives like a grandma. As we drive onto ferry, guy gives us shit. I like this boat already.

No smoking. No drinking. No pets. No Fishing. No swimming. NO PROBLEM....

You see that water? Unless that's BEER...I ain't swimming in it. Lou and H "did it all the time"...Thank you for proving my point. The ferry was cool. There was a nice breeze off the water, the view was amazing, and we laughed at the old lady whose dress kept blowing up, revealing her granny panties. You go, girl! Captain comes out around halfway across....dude be all open shirt, bare chest, drunk as shit. This just gets better and better.

Land. A quick stop on the other side at the Old Currituck Jail. Super wicked cool old brick building that I am absolutely positive was haunted. Almost fell through rotted wood at doorway while trying to get a picture. Convinced girls would have left me to fend for myself due to full bladders.

H pushes on big marble ball out front...threatening a vandalism charge. Stop at gas station/McDonalds (a combination I have decided is of questionable merit)...LINE for the bathroom. Are you serious? And this was not an ordinary bathroom....oh no. This was a cess pool of gross smelly ick with doors. Indoor plumbing at its very worst. We held our breath, did our business, and ran for the truck. Probably offending many a native in the process. Doused hands, arms, legs, and nostrils with sanitizer.
Start driving...with no particular destination in mind. Elizabeth City? Sure!! So we go....along the way we saw...
*A doghouse in the middle of a field warning us to 'Beware of Dog'....Ummmm...OK?
*Sligo. Anna says..."That sign said Sligo. S.L.I.G.O. Sligo. That's freaking hilarious." 10 miles up the road H sees name of town and cracks up. "Sligo. Did you see that?". "We had this talk already. Do you not LISTEN?" "I think you had that whole conversation in your head and not out loud." (Trust me...this was hilarious. And became the basis of a day of blaming Anna's medication for poor memory and unheard conversations. Is possible that voices in my head were totally to blame.)
*See this...

I am a hog and I am trafficing. So I need to stop for this. Immediately.
Get to E.C..Wander around aimlessly. H decides A knows tons of useless factoids. Especially about farm implements and fall out shelters. (This will come in handy during impending Zombie attack and/or winning final Jeopardy.) H has small duckling about tractors looking like space ships. Decide to go to farmers market next to water. Discover that All of Elizabeth City be Potatin'! Find and rescue lone blueberry in the grass.

Blueberries. Buy some for picnic lunch. Eat right out of bucket. (Side seriousness...the blueberries were freaking delishiousness awesomesauce.) Walk over to waters edge because cool boat is docked there. Want to photograph said boat. (Decide against stealing said boat for fear of North Carolina jail and A with no bail money. Lou and H say they will eat blueberries and drink slushie margarita mix used as ice pack and wait for me to just get released on my own. True bitches.)

Walk along boardwalk...looking, talking, photographing, dreaming of more blueberries. Pick out house that I will live in. Let go of dream of stealing boat. H declares that Elizabeth all their Potatiness...should have a Potato Festival. ('Cause she saw a shirt with it written on it.) L informs her...a little rudely..that "They DO. I sent A a Facebook invite. Sorry you missed out." H not happy with this. Decides we are attending next year. No excuses.

Still don't know what fish-crabbing is. But you can't do it. And this second picture? Well it's just one of my favorites. Find old abandoned brick building. Must get closer look. Probably trespass. Discover super secret picnic spot ( was totally a public area..but my version sounds better.). Stake out table. Enjoy lovely picnic, intense but therapeutic conversation, and shade.
Actually....from here on out, it's best if you just read my girl Lou's blog. 'Cause it's all in the details...and my details are fuzzy. ('cause she had all the notes. Don't fucking lie Lou. #Whatever.) In fact, I was reading her blog, out loud, on the phone with her, crying, and saying..."did I really say that? OMG...we're fucking hilarious." #BigFunnyEgo. (If you follow us both, I apologize now. If on. Trust me. My comments are added...people need to hear my side of the story.)

Warning: The blog you are about to read is not for the faint hearted, reader discretion is advised. It will also be a lengthy blog. Please be aware of this before continuing on with this post. (Pour something in something and get comfy. And pee first. Again, trust me.)

Saturday, June 9, 2012…..was AMAZING! We had such a good time together. Recap for those of you that DON’T read my blog (HH…not that I am pointing the finger or anything.). (HAHAHAHA....Totally called a bitch OUT!!!)

My dear, darling friend Anna called me one day and informed me that on this particular day, we were going to pick up Heather and head down to ride the ferry from Knotts Island to Currituck and that we were doing a photo extravaganza. (Oh yeah, I have to plan said photo extravaganza (Be the Cruise Director).) Ok. I bite proverbial bait. Fast forward.

Day has been planned. I thought we agreed upon meeting at Anna’s house at 7:30 AM to start this day of maddening fun. Clearly, I was mistaken. It was 7 AM that I was supposed to be there. OOPS. SORRY! ( I don't think you ARE sorry.)

We pack the cooler, and head out to gas up and get the much needed caffeine from the local WaWa. AHH, elixir of life, how I love you. Heading to Heather’s house. Already know we are gonna be late. Remember to tell Anna that I, like a moron, never got Heather’s cell phone number, so, I needed her to FB message her and let her know A. we need her cell number, B. we are late (SHOCKING). Mission, accomplished.

We arrived at Heather’s house, and greeted her and the children. Got into Big, Huge, Monster Warden Truck and headed out. WOO HOO!! We are on the road!! (YAY!!..Cute kids Heather, by the way!)

Anna proceeds to give me shit about driving like a grandma down Princess Anne Road. “Let me tell you something, ANNA…..this is a big ass truck, this road is curvy, like a snake. I want to arrive alive. Thank you!” Shit giving ceased momentarily. (Momentarily. #TakeItLikeAGirl)

Knotts Island, NC. When we got there, only 1 car was ahead of us, and it appeared that we would have a nice, comfortable ride with not a lot of people blocking any necessary shots. SCORE!
When we were directed to drive onto the ferry, we were getting shit from the ferry boat guys….whatever, it made our morning funner. Dude parked us so close to the wall, Anna and Heather could not open their doors. SO, I told them: “Just climb over! Come on!” Anna almost face-planted onto the ferry, and Heather pops out like a friggin’ piece of toast. Whatever, skinny. (This moment was NOT hilarious. I was scared. It was scary.)

We were officially out of the truck, and went up the stairs to stand on the deck and enjoy the view. Gorgeous, amazing, fantastic ride. The sound was gross looking. Brown water is always worrisome, however, Heather and I were discussing how funny it was that when we were kids, we didn’t think anything about it and just hopped on in for all day swimming fun. Anna is totally grossed out by our childhood.  (True. #ExplainsAlot)

Heather happened to turn her head and notice this old lady that thought she was Marilynn Monroe, and just let her dress blow all up showing her granny panties. We took a while discussing said Marilynn and wondered how she had no flipping clue that her dress was coming up to her shoulder blades. Laughed and I snapped a picture.

About half way through our journey, the Captain emerged from his hide-out. #Disturbed
Captain is standing, looking at the top of the ferry. Pretty sure at this point he is contemplating climbing up and riding the spinner thing on top of the ferry. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, his shirt was half tucked in and halfway unbuttoned.

We reached the shores of Currituck and after bumping and jerking our way into port, got the HELL off of that ferry. (It was a very lovely, very enjoyable ride, except for Drunken Oh Captain My Captain, and Marilynn.) (Oh Captain, My Captain!! #NotRight)

Driving off of the ferry, we were wondering what these buildings were off to the right. STOP! Old Currituck Jail. Let the photo’s commence. 

As we wrapped up our jail shoot, we all needed to stop and use the facilities somewhere. Find gas station/McDonalds….odd combination. 1 Bathroom, 2 stalls, ALL KINDS OF SMELLY AND GROSS. Used anyway, ran out complaining of nastiness, and got in truck to commence de-contamination with hand sanitizer.

Lou: “Where are we going? Elizabeth City?”
Anna: “Sounds good, let’s go.”
Lou: “Which way?”
Anna: “I don’t know.”
Lou: “You are the worst navigator in history.”
Anna: “Turn right.” (I don't remember this conversation. #PleadTheFifth)

I turned right, and off to Elizabeth City we go. (See? I was correct. It was right. #GoodNavigator) Along the way we pass lots of corn fields, one with a dog house that has a sign nailed on the roof “Beware Of Dog”, we passed a sign that says “Hog Crossing”, (Had to turn around and go back for this amazing photo that can be found HERE.) (See photo above), and a sign that said “Sligo”.

Anna: “Sligo…S L I G O, Sligo.”

Continuing down the road.

Heather: “Sligo! HAHA. That’s the funniest thing.”
Anna: “I just said that.”
Heather: “I’m pretty sure you had that conversation in your head.”
Anna: “Whatever Heather.” (Pretty sure I probably said Shut Up, Heather. #YourStory)

We arrived in Elizabeth City and followed our way down to the little waterside farmers market that they have on Saturdays. BLUEBERRIES…yum. Bought some. We wandered around and checked out all the different little booths. (Let me explain something to you. When you go buy a bottle of Purell Hand Sanitizer and take off the label and write on it “Germ Juice” and put cute little stickers on it, it does not make that $2.00 bottle of Purell a $5.00 bottle of Purell. I can do that myself, THANKS.)

Next up…walk 15 paces to the boardwalk. Take photos of waterfront. Lovely. (See photos above. #MineAreBetter #JustKidding)

We spotted this old building and decided to walk over and check it out. Turns out it was the old Elizabeth City Milling Company. AWESOME! Totally taking pictures here. (#Trespassing)

Anna: “WHEW! It stinks.”
Lou: “This building smells like a potato chip fart.”
Heather: “Potato chip fart?”
Lou: “Yep.”
Heather: “Look at all those bottles in there. People were potatin’ all up in there. All night long they were potatin’.”
Lou: “Elizabeth City potates.” (Thus begins all day Potatin'. Everywhere else...#Potatin'Rules)

HUNGRY….we went and got the truck and found a lovely little picnic area. Ate.

Lou: “WTF was that? What is happening right now in the water. This canoe is spinning in circles.”
Anna: “Domestic Disturbance in the canoe.”
Lou: “There is water flailing EVERYWHERE. He’s paddling one way ferociously, she’s paddling the other way.”
(All the while, you hear them yelling at each other. You can also see the guy that acted a fool while oaring bailing water out of said canoe.)
Heather: “WHERE? I can’t see it! I’m missing it!” (#SorryBoutYourLuck)
Lou: “Right there! But, now they are behind the tree, so, sorry, you can’t see it.”
Heather: “I always miss the good stuff.”

We continued to eat our lunch and have wonderful conversation, when, Oh Lord, here they come again.

Lou: “Is that an INFLATABLE canoe?”
Anna: (Laughing hysterically.) “Yep.” (#HystericalLaughter #Can'tBreathe)
Lou: “WTH? Now he’s done jumped in the water! He can’t swim any better than he can oar. Water still flailing all over the place.”
Anna: “Now they are gonna get out of the canoe, and he is gonna deflate it and whip her with it.”

ALL of us laughing hysterically. We were eating dessert, and 

Anna says: “What’s in these cookies?”
Heather: “Your Mom.” (I cannot begin to tell you how funny this was. #HeatherNotInnocent)

We managed to finish eating and drove aimlessly around Elizabeth City (all the while Anna shouting "Turn here, LEFT, not RIGHT, LEFT!" Again, I say, "Worst NAVIGATOR in the WORLD!") (This is just downright abuse. #Unfair #Wrong) until we decided there wasn’t SHIT to do here and headed back the way we came. During this drive the conversation went a little something like this:

Lou: “Hey Heather, I love your zombie apocalypse idea about the treadmills. GENIUS.”
Heather: “Yeah, I thought so too.”
Lou: “I’m gonna need the plans for those non-powered treadmills that you are building.”
Heather: “Fuck that! I’m buying solar powered ones.”
Anna: “Fallout shelter.”
Lou: “WHAT? Where? How do you know this?”
Anna: “See that symbol on the building, that means it’s a fallout shelter. Way back in the day when nuclear attacks were a real threat, they built these things called fallout shelters.” (#UselessMidwesternFactoid #WillAppreciateLater)
Lou: “Way back in the day? Have you not listened to the news at all? North Korea ring any bells?”
Anna: “What news?”
Heather: “OMG, do you live under a rock?!” (Shut Up, Heather. #Meanie)
Anna: “No, pretty sure I don’t.” (Actually, I might.)
Lou: “Hey, encyclopedia of useless knowledge, all you need to know is that way back in the day North Korea was a bunch of MF’ers, and they still are. So, if anyone asks you what you think about the situation with North Korea, all you say is ‘Their all a bunch of MF’ers.’.”
Anna: “Got it!” (I am STILL laughing about this conversation. #StupidNorthKorea)

Coming up on crazy big chairs. Stop at gas station to make Heather sit in crazy big chair and get her picture taken. Anna and I refuse to climb into crazy big chair for fear of having to roll out of crazy big chair and injure ourselves. Picture taken. Trip continuing.


Head to Kitty Hawk, NC.

Lou: “Look! We are in Sligo! It’s a place!”
Anna: “Where the hell were you way the fuck back there when I said: ‘Sligo…S L I G O….Sligo’?”
Lou: “I thought you said it was a sign. I didn’t realize you were talking about a PLACE.”
Anna: “Whatever Lou! Yes you did. You just don’t listen to me. WTFever.”
Lou: “Clearly your pain meds are messing with your brain right now.”
Anna: “SHUT UP…Lou…..” (This is especially funny when you consider that we had  already HAD this conversation once. #BlameAnnasMedications)

At this point it is PAINFULLY obvious that all 3 of us have some form of ADD and should all be medicated. (#AlreadyMedicated)

Moving forward, the conversation changed to political. 

Anna: “Oh GAWD…are we doing the political thing now?”
Lou: “Yes. All I am saying is I’m voting for Kermit the Frog.” (#WriteInVote)
Heather: “Kermit the Frog? Is that really what you just said?” (#BelieveItSister)
Lou: “Yes, and I’ll tell you why. He is a battered man. He will do whatever I tell him to do.” (Battered man? He's a FROG. What? #Confused)
Heather: “Yeah, because he’s a MUPPET. You will have your hand shoved up his ass!”
Anna: “Lou is a freak and likes to stick her hand up Muppet's asses.”
Lou: “AHH!”
Continuing our journey into Kitty Hawk.

Heather: “Big chairs are the thing here. Like we have dolphins and mermaids on sticks.”
Anna & Lou: “BAHAHAHAHA”

See random low-rider toaster car. Heather commences in having a duck because it says “Team Shady”.  (#WeAreTeamShadyPotatoes)

Passing by all the little roadside shops, we come to this one place “Brewery, Butchery and Pub”.

Anna: “I want to live there.”
Lou: “Really? You want to live in a place that brews beer, slaughters livestock and then makes pub food?”
Anna: “Yep, pretty much.”
Heather: “That’s disturbing.” (#JustJealous)

Passing by a Lowes, the encyclopedia of useless knowledge decides to inform us that Lowes and Walmart are owned by the same people. 

Lou: "Really? I never knew that."
Heather: "Not really sure when we would ever need to know that."
Anna: "ONE DAY, when your ass is on JEOPARDY, and it's the FINAL JEOPARDY question, you won't remember it, and I'll have to turn off my TV because I KNOW I told you the answer to that."
Heather: "Ok." (And I will throw things at you as well. #SoThere #SomedayYou'llThankMe)

We arrived at the Wright Brother’s Memorial Park and much to our surprise it was Great Outdoors Day! WOO HOO! Commence into park for FREE.

Go snap some pictures of the actual memorial. (Memorial on top of BIG hill. H and I decide that even if they were giving away free Krispy Kreme doughnuts at the wouldn't be worth the trip up.) Take some pics of the planes. Heather and Anna made fun of me for my obsessive taking pictures of the sky for those 2 shots of the bird flying.

Heather: “What are you doing?!”
Lou: “Trying to get this stupid bird that’s flying.”
Heather: “Your mouth is hanging open and everything.” (#CatchingFlies)
Lou: “Thanks for making fun of me. You will be jealous when you see the awesome picture of the flying fucking bird that I have on my camera.”
Anna: “Whatever, you didn’t get any flying bird picture.”


SUCK IT ANNA! Just kidding. I love you. (Was it worth it? Really? #LoveYouToo)

Heading back home to take pictures of prom for my cousin.

“Upscale Furniture Resale”

Lou: “Really? People gonna go get some upscale furniture from the re-sale store.”
Heather: “Your mom is upscale.” (#HeatherIsFour)
Anna: “Did she really just say ‘Your mom is upscale.’?”
Lou: “Yeah, she did.” (There was laughing here. We are adolescents.)

Man hitch-hiking on the side of the road wearing a hoodied windbreaker. It’s 8 gagillion degrees outside. WTF? Why?

Lou: “Why is that man hitch-hiking wearing a windbreaker?”
Anna: “To hide the hatchet. DUH.” (#DUH)
Lou: “Oh, ok.”
Anna: “He would totally kill you last. Because you have red hair. He likes red hair.”
Lou: “Good to know.”
Heather: “He will eat all your beef jerky.”
Lou: “The fuck you say! He’s got two dead bodies in the bed of the truck. He can make all the fuckin’ jerky he wants. He’s NOT getting mine!”
Anna: “YEAH! He could eat jerky from me forever!” (#ALittleChewy)

Continuing driving and conversing.

Heather: “We have been potatin’ the fuck outta this place!” (For real. North Carolina doesn't know what hit them. #Potatin'Bitches)

Passing by the hammock store.

Anna: “Did you see the size of that hammock?”
Lou: “I missed it.”
Heather: “Me too.” (Do you people not PAY ATTENTION?)
Anna: “It was fucking HUGE. Like big enough to fit me, you and you in it!” (#AndThenSome #PlusHatchetHitchhiker)
Lou: “It was a family hammock. You know, a fammock.”
Anna: “HaHa! Fammock, I love it.”
Lou: “This is like Ocean View, but classier. Kitty Hawk is classier than Ocean View.” (I LIVE in OV. #WTF #NoGunsAllowed)

Started across the Wright Memorial Bridge.

Heather: “WOO HOO! It’s bouncy! I love this!”
Anna: “Oh no….Oh no….I don’t like this. Turn around.” (NOT thrilled with this turn of events. This ceases be funny about right now. Unless you are L or H...they are having a ball. Like this is a fucking carnival ride!! #BitchesTryinToKillMe)
Lou: “Turn around WHERE? We are on a BRIDGE!”
Anna: “Make it stop!”
Lou: “I can’t.”
Heather: “Are you really freaked out? Cuz this is fun!” (No longer friends. #Frenemies)
Anna: “Yeah, I might throw up.”
Lou: “Take your fucking phenergan! Do NOT puke in my truck!”
Heather: “I will totally shove your head out the window dude.”
Anna: “Trampoline fucking bridge. I hate you.”
Lou & Heather: (Laughing hysterically at poor Anna all sick and puny.) (Luckily I know how to chew my way out of a restraint. So take that Bitches. I will be treading water while you are drowning. #NotSavingYou #NoTime)
Anna: “Heather talks shit. Constantly.” (#TruthHurts)
Lou: “There go the meds again.”

Finally get back into Virginia even though we almost DIED because they are doing construction on the road that we wanted to take, so it was CLOSED. WTF? Who closes the only road that leads out of the OBX without having to pay the toll? GREEDY BASTARDS. 

Anna and Heather: (Shit talking about the toll lady, not sure what all was said or where it came from, because, let’s be honest…I was driving and talking to the toll lady.) (H wants to know why toll lady jacked the price all up on us. A says "Yeah..Toll lady did it. All her fault. Doop Doop (button pushing sound)...6 Bucks. That'll show 'em.")

Heather: “I will totally Anthrax her. Anthrax is under-rated.” (#FBITarget)

We make it to where Chelsea is meeting her friends for prom. After a LOT of waiting, I got in there, got my shots and we headed back to Heather’s house to drop her off.

All in all, the day was a shining success, and we all had a blast (at least I hope we all had a blast!). (I had a blast. Thanks ladies.)
Hope you were able to follow my crazy ramblings. I also hope you got some good laughs in there as well. Anna and I are always saying “People just don’t think we are as funny as we do.” WHATEVER. Haters. (#Potain'Hatin')

You should make sure to check out Anna's blog HERE. Not sure if Heather will blog or not, but when and if she does, I will link it here. (This line is completely unnecessary here. Please disregard. #Ignore)

In case anyone wants to see my pictures of the trip, you may view them here:

There you have it. The best roadtrip EVER! Thanks Lou and Heather for tagging along. And thanks Lou for letting me steal your blog post!
My pictures of the trip can be found here: