Friendship As It Applies To You...

As some of you may, or may not, know...I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reinventing lately. Sometimes I am successful at changing my heart while other times I find myself stuck in my own rut of self inflicting harm. What I have found most interesting about this journey is the people I have found along the way. And the things I have learned about them.
I find it so fascinating that the more you learn about yourself, the more you learn about the kind of people you want in your inner circle. I know that sounds simplistic....of course you want to surround yourself with people as awesome and amazing as you are. People who have similar morals, similar beliefs, similar goals, similar lifestyles. You never imagine that you will INVITE chaos, toxicity, drama, and heartache in. And yet, one day, you wake up...and there it is....staring you in the face and dragging you down into the pit to stand beside it.
It's so funny to me....you meet someone. You spend years confiding in them, loving them, trusting them, believing in them. Then you lose them. It happens all the time. Then twenty years later, you wake up next to them. You kiss them goodbye everyday...you tell them goodnight...you fall in love all over. You are given a second chance. People come and go. Sometimes its a GREAT thing.....
And sometimes its really, really, REALLY bad. You see....I've learned some things about friendship lately. I have come to learn that I am not always the best friend that I could be. I don't call like I should. I'm not always there. Sometimes I would rather sleep than chat on the phone. Sometimes my job, or my daughter, or my husband, or my bills, or my own life come before you. Sometimes I am selfish and self absorbed. But for all my faults....I am always honest. I am always supportive. I am always loving. I will always remember your birthday. I will buy you random amazing gifts just because I thought of you....and I will think of you OFTEN. I care about you...and your family...and your happiness...and your successes and failures. But sometimes I am a bad friend.
But I am THERE.
What I have learned recently, is that sometimes that isn't enough. Friendship is, like any other relationship, a two way street. It's hard. It takes work. It involves two people who WANT to be there, and be present, and be amazing. It can't be one person giving and giving and giving.....and constantly being rejected. Because eventually the one giving decides that real life...and other relationships..are more fulfilling. And sometimes, it takes a slap in the face to wake you up.
I tried. Really I did. I WANTED to be your friend. I loved you....in my flawed, and broken, and difficult way. I let you in...when I didn't want to, against my better judgement, kicking and screaming at times. When I didn't HAVE to....when it would have been easier to hate you...when it would have been easier to walk away...when it would have been softer on my heart....I DID. When he begged me to let it go, to let you go..I persisted. Because I wanted to see the good in you...I wanted to believe that you had changed...I wanted to prove them wrong.
But then you hurt me. And him. And her. And them.
Over and over and over. Because that is who you really are. You use people...and when they are used up, you move on. Unannounced and unexplained. And you will blame me...I wasn't there for you, or good enough, or nice enough. And you will say that I hurt you. Because you are ever the victim. You needed more than I could give you....not that I ever really knew what that was.
But make no mistake....this is NOT an apology. I find it liberating that you are gone. Funny how sometimes you don't see what's right in front of you.....it took you walking away for me to realize the toxicity of you. I am free to focus on my family, my job, my life, my friends, my health...all the things that are important to me (and have been neglected recently in favor of you). I have realized that I can love without you, I can move without you, I can laugh without you, I can live without you.
And honestly...I don't really miss you.
You see, friendship is about communication. It's about mutual respect. It's about spending your time caring as much about the other person as you do about yourself. It's about not being a bitch. I wish you luck with your new "friends"...but until you learn these simple truths..you will never know what it means to have an untarnished and honest friendship. And, eventually, you will find yourself alone.
And on that note....I am uber and ever thankful for the loves of my life, my very best friends, and the people who make me tick..My Dear Husband, My Bestie Louper, My Favorite Author Preener, and My Crazy Small. I am loving that I am given the opportunity to reunite with friends from my past (due to our recent move back to our hometown) and our bi-weekly Dinner Dates/Girls Night Outs. I am appreciative of an amazing job that has allowed me to meet and associate with intelligent and wonderful people. And I am always more than blessed by my small but fierce family.
Not to mention all the crazy love I have for all of you....my wicked loyal and always awesome readers!
So, saying goodbye to toxic non-friends and welcoming peace in my life. Moral of this blog?....Bitches Still Be Bitches....And Don't Make Very Good Friends. So...move along. Not so nice knowing ya.

Later Taters!
XOX