2012 was hardly a banner year for me. I am less than proud of some of the decisions that I made, some of the things that I did, and more than some of the things that I said. Sometimes the cold hard facts of life can overwhelm and subdue a person...and unfortunately, my heart is not immune to reality. I allowed anger and bitterness residence...instead of trusting and praying and believing. I sought refuge from a storm that brewed only within my own soul...and therefore was unable to shelter those that I love. And rather than seeking guidance and forgiveness from the one willing and able to provide it...I chose to remain hard and unforgiving. Never have I been more wrong....and more ecstatic to see a year end and a new one begin.
I have been slow to write a New Years post...because I have been searching for the right words. Or, more exactly, one word. A reflection word for 2013. One word to embody what I want for the upcoming year. (One word to rule them all....no sorry...wrong post.) You know, a word that will define my outlook for the year ahead.
I want 2013 to be about finding myself. Re-inventing myself. Re-discovering myself. I want to remember who I was, who I am, who I want to be, who others see me as. I want to find my purpose...other than being a wife and mother. Yet, I want to be a better wife and mother (neither of them are complaining that I know of.). I want to find patience in the chaos, indulgence in the mess, happy in the journey, good in the outcomes. I want to wake up less angry and more hopeful. I want to heal...mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I want to reconnect with my husband and kiss him like every time is the first time. I want to giggle unexpectedly with my daughter and share secrets and traditions. I want to remember the moments that make us a family...unique and flawed and genuine and beautiful. I want to shoulder the burdens that my bestie carries on her heart. I want to be her counsel and (when necessary) her conscience. I want to grow in faith and acceptance with my step daughters, and (re) build a less fractured foundation with their mother.
I want to expect..and give...only the best. I want to see the positive in every negative. I want to whine less and pray more. I want to take more photographs and push my creative boundaries. I want to sit down every day and write...even if I have nothing to say. I want to force my own expectations and squash my limitations. I want to chase dreams and figure out new ones.
I want to take in and experience every single moment in the present....BE present. BE open. BE willing. BE hopeful...For the future. By releasing the past. I want to offer and accept forgiveness. I want to reverse hurt and exchange harsh currency. I want to replace hate...with anything else. Joy. Understanding. Acceptance. Respect. Indifference would be a step forward at this point.
In 2013 I want madness, and magic, and creative impulse, and excess, and chaos, and kindness, and mistakes, and faith, and peace, and kissing, and laughter, and strength, and blessings, and genius, and miracles, and muse, and passion, and inspiration, and love. Lots and lots and lots of love.
And just like that....I found a word. Lovely.
XOX
YOU are lovely. I love and adore you. My life has changed because of YOU. Whatever is lovely. Cheers! <3
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