We all know that I am doing my very best to convince
So here is the email...The 1950's Guide To Being A Good Wife. Oh Hell Yes....
1950’s Guide to Being a Good Wife
From Housekeeper Monthly 1955
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (Plan and cook dinner you say? Sure thing. Nothing says "I've been thinking about you and am concerned about your needs" like a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.)
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (Work weary people you say? I've just prepared you a lovely non lethal dinner. But let me take the time to not look sweaty, and tired, and hungover and bored. A ribbon and some make-up? How about a clean shirt and some deodorant?)
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (One of my duties you say? Because I don't have enough to do. Let me be more interesting for you. How about you just stare at my boobs and we call it a day? And isn't my ribbon gay?)
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the house just before your husband arrives. (Clear away the clutter you say? Well shit...I might as well just clean the house. Oh but look...I have a ribbon in my hair.)
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (Gather and dust you say? So we're back to the cleaning? But..all this cleaning is messing up my pretty ribbon.)
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (Light a fire you say? In all my cleaning and ribbon tying I have probably burnt dinner and the fire is coming from the kitchen. Chinese take out provides me with immense personal satisfaction. How does my ribbon look?)
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (Prepare the children you say? "Hey Heathens...your father is on his way home so shut the fuck up! I'm encouraging it! Please don't make me choke you out with my ribbon.")
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (Greet him with a smile and a desire to please you say? Eat your fucking dinner and then warmly and sincerely rub one out in the shower. Here..use this ribbon.)
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important that yours. (Listen to him you say? I'll listen to his immensely important topics of conversation..right up until I slit my wrists with a butcher knife. Shit..did I get blood on my ribbon?)
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Make the evening his you say? I've spent all day cooking and cleaning and beating children and putting on fucking makeup..no..please..go out to the strip club. I hope you get herpes. Stop looking at my ribbon.)
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (Peace, order and tranquility you say? Well...it WAS..until HE came home. With his herpes. I've got a renewal for you. Bastard. Stupid fucking ribbon.)
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. (Don't greet him with complaints you say? How about divorce papers?)
Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (Don't complain you say? He stays out all night with his stripper whore...damn straight that was the minor part of his day!)
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (Make him comfortable you say? Here Darling..I fixed you a lovely Drano Martini. Now lie back and relax until you choke on your own vomit.)
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (Arrange his pillow you say? How about right over his face?)
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (Master of the house you say? We will see about that.)
A good wife always knows her place. (Knows her place you say? Yep. Standing over his dead carcass.)
Anybody think I should get a job outside the house? Nope? I didn't think so. I'm so committed to this 1950's housewife gig. I've been picking out ribbons all day!
XOX
That is the absolute FUNNIEST thing! I have read it before, however, your remarks made it the best yet!! Thanks for making me laugh, I truly needed that! <3
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