Drivel ISO Submissive Brunette...

Fifty Shades Of Grey. Fifty Shades Darker. Fifty Shades Freed. Fifty Million Shades of Crap. I just finished book three of this dismal trilogy and I have some things to say...not that this should surprise anyone.
A little on expectations. I am a researcher. So I will read reviews and blurbs and blogs and tell alls about a book before I start it. I like to know what I'm getting in to. This had all the makings of a sweeping euphoric love story. With a little hot sex thrown in. I should insert here that I am NOT a huge fan of sweeping euphoric love stories. But, you know, I like hot sex. So what the Hell, right?
WRONG.

(Spoiler Alert...I'm gonna tell you about all 3 books. If you don't want to know what happens..as if you couldn't predict it yourself..stop reading. NOW.)

The premise of the story is that ridiculously excessively unrealistically stupidly uber rich (not to mention ridiculously excessively unrealistically stupidly uber hot) guy meets shy clumsy nerdy young virginal mouthy opinionated sultry college girl. She thinks he's wonderful. He thinks she would make a wonderful submissive. Let's address all the problems present in this first paragraph. 1.No one is that rich...no one. (He tells our fearless heroine at one point that he makes like one hundred thousand dollars an hour. Sure you do.) 2. No one is that hot. If he is..he isn't into girls and that's a TOTALLY different book folks. 3. How many 21 year old college graduates do you know that rarely drink...and are virgins? OH...and she lands her amazing dream job right out of the gate (presumably with no help from Mr. Influential...). RIGHT. I wish my college experience had been so sweet. I digress.
Begin relationship. Megagazzillionbagillionaire (Christian) tries to "woo" curious interested willing ingenue (Ana). Against the advice of her "inner goddess", her subconscious, and her roommate/best friend..she decides to give the whole Dom/Sub thing a go. Oh..but she has questions. And rules. And all kinds of weird shit that he has to explain to her. What part of this doesn't she get? So he is oh so patient with her...because she amuses and intrigues him...or whatever. But he is introducing himself as her 'boyfriend'....WHAT? Problems: 1. Still too rich. 2. She's got WAY too many voices in her head. 3. I forgot the part where she doesn't even have her own computer to research her questions. And REALLY? You are just gonna type 'Submissive' into the Google and see what happens? REALITY CHECK!
So here we are....full fledged weirdo bizarro relationship. And then it hits me (no pun intended)...he is beating the crap out of her. And she is afraid of him. And she worries about doing or saying the wrong thing. Sister...I have done this. It's called abuse. It's bad. It should not be turning you on. WAIT...I forgot the best part.....so control freak Christian finds out that Ana is a virgin. LAWD! Now it is his personal mission to mix in "plain old vanilla sex" with "kinky fuckery". Let me explain that the plain old vanilla is still weirder than any sex I have ever had. EVER. So there's that. So he basically buys her new clothes, new cars, makes her doctors appointments, buys her laptops and Blackberrys (I wonder here if they paid for royalty rights?)..all the while feeling a strange sense of..what? (You see where this is going right?) Can anyone say Ho?
End of book one finds that Christian has smacked Ana's bare ass with...I forget..something. And she cries and boo hoos.....and decides that it's all just TOO MUCH. And she leaves him.
Book two begins with the run down of her utter misery. She hasn't eaten. Or slept. All she does is cry and work. Speaking of crying...I should mention here that this woman cries ALL THE TIME. He buys her a gift. Cry. He doesn't buy her a gift. Cry. She loves him. Cry. She hates him. Cry. She is a walking advertisement for Prozac. She can't stand life without Christian in it. So back together they go. Only to discover that he was equally destroyed without her. BLAH. Whatever.
So now they are blissfully happy. Oh except for the unanswered questions she still has about his past, and the fear of what will happen to her, and OH...the crazy ex Sub who is now stalking her. FULL ON ALERT. Beefed up security detail, Ana's insecurities, Christian's insecurities....these two are MADE for each other. So much drama. Meanwhile, she is meeting his parents, his brother is dating her roommate/best friend, she is basically living with him full time, and she is venturing into his 'Red Room of Pain'....blah blah blah. I am bored at this point....but now fully invested in the story and HAVE to see it through. I'm weird like that.
End of book two finds the crazy stalker captured and placed in a hospital, a near death experience for Christian while flying his helicopter (he has a private jet too..in case you were wondering), and a marriage proposal. Because, unfathomably, they have fallen in love. Megalomaniac and the Schizo.
Book three. Honeymoon. My money is Your money. Back to the states (because they traveled the world..by boat..with staff.)...everything is hunky dory. Life goes on..sex, work, sex, play, sex, sleep, sex. Ana's dad has a car accident and spends some time in the hospital. She freaks out. Then her old creepazoid boss (who made an unwelcome pass at her in book two and Christian promptly fired..because he owns the company now) comes back as the stalker with the mostest. He has a bad grudge against good old Christian (stemming from childhood in Detroit...) and decided to use Ana as bait. And Ana falls for it...because well...she's headstrong and stupid. Oh..and did I mention that her and Christian aren't speaking to one another because she is pregnant? Yep...he is all fire and brimstone. So anyway...Ana saves the day, saves her baby, saves her marriage. The End.
Oh My Fucking God. I want the last 4 days back. If I had been reading an actual book (and not my beloved Kindle) I would have thrown it into the nearest wall. E.L. James lives in fucking Disneyland. Let's just move past the fact that the books were poorly written. She used the same words over and over and over. She wants to write about sex..but can't use the basic terminology involved. Hey E.L.....Christian has a PENIS. Ana has a Vagina. (There are LOTS of descriptives you could have substituted here...pussy, hooha, cunt, steaming hot mound of wet flesh.....WHY am I stuck reading "there" and "my sex"?) I don't know what disturbs me more...your lack of color or the fact that the sex scenes could have been written by my dog. I was neither hot nor bothered and my husband and I did not have more, or better, sex. Nor was this a love story....at least not one that I care to know about. Harry and Ginny. Katniss and Peeta. Romeo and Juliet (and they both DIE at the end.)...those are love stories. But don't read them...because you'll just try and rip them off too. If I was Stephenie Meyer...I'd be Fifty Shades of Pissed.

And this is all just my humble opinion.

XOX



P.S. I feel that I should mention that this author..somehow, by some miracle of epic proportions...got movie rights. I don't get it either. And I don't possible understand how this could be a movie..it's all trife and sex. But in case you were interested...here's who they are talking about casting:

Ian Somerhalder as Christian Grey.

and this girl...

Alexis Bledel as Anastasia Steele Grey.

Just thought you should know.