I don't know why today I am bothered by events of the past. I don't know why my heart is muddled with hurt and my brain is filled with unanswered questions. I don't know why I have chosen today to worry about one more thing. But there it is...stewing, and dwelling, and brewing, and confusing.
I suppose it's because I am obsessed with our upcoming move being a new beginning. A new horizon. Uncharted waters and unclaimed land. I suppose it's because I see us being back in our hometown as a chance for us to leave the past behind and just be..us. Where it all started. Where we fell in love. Where we had our whole lives ahead of us. Where it was always only about him and I and love and fun and promise.
I will do my best to spare you the gorier details but let's just start at the beginning. A little background.....(for those of you that don't know, or need reminded)...a few years ago I was reconnected with my best friend from high school. Back then we were close...we shared our lives...our goals and dreams. He was more than my best friend..he was, without a doubt, my soul mate. But, youth being what it is..we went our separate ways, started new lives with other people, and moved forward. Neither of us ever confessing our feelings to the other. Long story short...we loved each other. For years. So here we are..20 some years later still holding a torch for each other. So we start talking again...remembering and reminiscing. And somewhere in there..well..yeah...love. Love is so weird. So we discuss the future and decide that growing old together is way better than fading away alone. Here's the kink....he legally has a wife. He's pretty sure she doesn't want to be married to him (she is seeing someone else). He's also pretty sure she doesn't want to be divorced from him either. (That said...divorce is imminent.) So be it.
He is honest with me about her. As far as I know...he is also honest with her about me. It isn't an ideal situation...I'm not excusing it or condoning it. It is what it is. Decisions were made...choices that we all must live with. Falling in love is messy and painful and inconvenient. And sometimes it's a big ole train wreck just waiting to happen. What might seem like a great idea in the heat of the moment...can turn ugly really quickly. Because then you start hearing things...ugly things..things like home-wrecker and whore. Blame and Guilt start driving the crazy train....right off the cliff.
So she hates me. HATES. (and in the interest of total disclosure...I'm not terribly fond of her.)
Cue present day. The divorce has been finalized. But not before she attempted (almost successfully) to ruin our relationship, his career, and my sanity. Him and I have married. She has re-married. He has been granted visitation rights and has been able to build a relationship with his children. A relationship that she tried very hard to prevent. (I want to add that he supported her and their children..financially and otherwise..for years before he was legally instructed to do so.). We have all moved on, moved forward, and moved toward happily ever after.
And we ARE happy. Mostly. Sure, it's not all rainbows and unicorns...at least not every day. But we make it work. Because we love each other. Our most famous and continuous disagreement?....HER. She continues to be a blip on our horizon...and we disagree on why. Now I am not saying that she shouldn't be there...she is the mother of his children. And as long as they are in our lives, so she will be. What bothers me is her repeated attempts to REMAIN an integral part of HIS life. Calling for no reason (an example: she called here the other night (on my home number..in Virginia) to ask if we had moved (out of state) yet.), emailing song lyrics and regret letters, looking for excuses to speak to him. Enough. She needs to learn to respect our marriage...as well as her own. And she needs to show dignity and grace when dealing with my husband. Delete questionable material from public forums (like blogs and Facebook. I'm not asking her to delete her past with him..but anything she posts after moving out is disrespectful and hurtful.) And I am politely asking that she stop calling him an asshole (or worse) when he doesn't do things as she would like. And please stop doing it in the presence of myself or his children. (It reflects negatively only on you.) But I am sure she would disagree.
So I have an offer for her....how about we agree to disagree? We are never going to coexist in the same bubble (not for lack of trying on my part.)...but we can learn to tolerate each other...and we HAVE to learn. We have to learn for your children.
So let me start by apologizing. I am sorry if I, personally, have hurt you. I am sorry if I have been unfair or unkind to you. I am sorry that we were unable or unwilling to maintain the friendship that we began. It is truly heartbreaking to me.
You and I have both been hurt. We are both broken, and dark, and twisty, and flawed. We are human. Which means that we are also loving, and healing, and forgiving. We may never be able to forget the things that we keep...but we can learn to make peace with them.
About your children....you are their mother. You always will be. I only want to be their friend. I want to experience them, laugh with them, share them, learn from them, and love them. I do not expect them to love me back...but I do hope that someday they will learn to LIKE me..even just a little. I have much to offer them...and you. And while I know that this is hard for you...I love their father. I want only the best for all of us. It is a difficult situation...
So there it is...we can choose to move on, to change, to grow, to be better. We can give your children peace and teach them love. We can ALL offer them lives that they deserve. We can make them proud. Or we can stand still. We can hide behind anger. We can breed bitterness and cultivate resentments.
I am following my heart. I continue to pray for hers. And yours.
XOX
I love this. I love you. This is amazingly well written. Kudos to you. You brought a tear to my eye and even more understanding. <3
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