I am a terrible Norwegian. I am not tough, I am not confrontational (mostly), I am sober. What the Hell is wrong here? It seems as if not only did I give up Amaretto for Lent...I gave up drinking all together. So let me tell you what this lesson teaches us....
1. I am not having any fun.
2. My life is showing me how much it sucks.
3. People piss me off.
4. The Life road crew needs to get busy fixing the chuckholes in my path....
So really...here's what I have been thinking on the last few days...I swallow life in an attempt to keep it manageable. I mean this literally and figuratively..whenever I am anxious, worried, nervous, or depressed..without thinking..I instinctively swallow drink (or food..or pills..) in order to push away the uncomfortable negative experience that I am feeling within. I thirst...but it isn't for coffee, or wine, or....*GASP*...Amaretto. It's for inner peace, and deeper connection, and meaning, and answers.
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, believed that alcoholism was a sacred disease. It occurred to him that "it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally refer to alcoholic drinks as spirits, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the Spirit than others, that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or better yet, a spiritual condition." I believe this is probably true. Mostly. I have such a passionate thirst for creativity, for spirituality, for life...that I just don't know what I truly need to satisfy my cravings. I realize that I am really thirsty for joy and serenity...I understand that I am not dehydrated but spiritually and emotionally dry.
This has proven especially true of late. I have been broken lately. I am walking a dark, twisted, bumpy path and it has brought me to neither light nor revelation. I need a fork in the road. I need to change directions. I say again..I need the road crew to pave on ahead of me....I'll catch up. I have been blaming myself for alot of ills. I have been carrying unnecessary..unwarranted...unjustified guilt. I have been hiding behind anger, and fear, and doubt. These burdens have made my path harder to navigate and longer to walk. And they make the thirst greater and the drink bitter.
NO MORE. I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am removing negativity and replacing it with promise. I am walking away from hurt and welcoming healing. I am going to stop swallowing life...I am going to start consuming it. Breathe...see...hear...taste....define...recognize....rejoice.
"Your thorns are the best part of you" ~ Marianne Moore. I am accepting the thorns..and allowing the rose to bloom. I hope it's pink...and really pretty.
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