I am blogging early today readers...so much in my head and on my heart. I have so many emotions that I need to explore and define...in order to acknowledge what presence they keep and to release what demons they contain.
My life has been fairly figured out and straight-forward for some time now. Oh sure, there are monkey wrenches and hiccups, but for the most part I am confident of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. My heart is an open book of sorts...I trust, I love, I believe. I have hopes and dreams, I wander and settle, I crave and am satisfied. I know my limits, my imperfections, my difficulties. I understand the reality that is me, the good..the bad...the ugly. Part of this journey has been learning and discovering how to be happier with myself in order to share that happiness with others. Peace and contentment, in order to be expressed, must first be exposed.
I know that in the course of my days I have been affected by others. I have allowed heartbreak, mistrust, abuse, and anger to define who I am and what I perceive. I have loved with conditions, given with expectations, followed hesitantly and led blindly. This is not the legacy that I want to leave.
Trust is a desperate soul. It seems so willing, so eager. But once broken it is cruel and intolerable...the lesson is crushing and difficult. And it is so painfully irreversible. I have let trust invade my being...I have given it, I have taken it, I have lost it and hated it. I wonder if I shall ever mistake it again.
Passion is a dangerous beast. It holds my convictions, it possesses my heart, it influences my emotions. Once felt and desired, it cannot be easily released. I have discovered it, I have provided it, I have contained it and sheltered it.
Love is a fickle being. It can be born in your heart-grow and brew there forever. Or it can occur from somewhere obscure and unknown...messy and unexpected. It is always dangerous, seldom forgiving, never uncomplicated. I have known great love...deep, consuming, painful, encompassing...I have searched for it, I have fought for it, I have changed for it and because of it.
Anger is a fiery ghost. Just when you think it will consume you completely, it relinquishes its control...it finds a safe harbor...it reminds you that it is there-quietly. It is more patient than I...I have felt it, I have gathered it, I have used it and stored it away.
These are the lessons I am contemplating on this dreary Tuesday afternoon...what to keep and what to release, what to cherish and what to condemn, what to resurrect and what to bury.
My heart is full...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
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Anna you asked me why I haven't left any comments on your blog. I gave you an answer. Hell it was even an adequate one. But the more I thought about it today the more I realized that it was bullshit. It was true and honest, but bullshit. I have decided to comment on this entry because its been in my head all day. I have read this blog or parts of it over and over looking for more clarity. Though the question that I asked you earlier about it, did enlighten me into some things but as with a lot of this self examination into your soul, it has opened new avenues of both understanding, and confusion. It certainly is an adventure into understanding you my closest and personal friend.
ReplyDeleteI keep reading this entry simply because the more I read of it, the more insight I have into you. And also the more I read, the less. It's simple to understand.. Everyone who has even the simplest of feelings understand these basic root emotions such as trust and love, passion and anger, and especially fear (which by the way, you wisp-ed around, but the unmistakable theme is displayed in the entirety of the thread, if you know where to look).
There is a reason I grouped these in such a way, it's how they influence each other and the last fear, is influenced by, and also influences, them all.
Everyone knows these core personality builders. It's not whether we the readers understand them for you It's how you the writer can portray and explain them to us. Reading this blog I further understand where you stand on issues, our conversations in the past, have shown me much that is in this blog. But also it leaves blatant holes into how you feel about other things. Hopefully as you explore and understand you, you will fill in the blanks, and give us a greater insight into you. And perhaps my fellow readers will grant you some insight not only of you as they see you, but maybe an openness of how they see themselves. And perhaps through that, you can learn more about you.
Its easy for people to give their opinions on another person, not living through their experiences and EXPECTING the "target" individual to comply. It's another thing altogether, however, when they give you an example of how something in their life or lives were affected in a similar matter. And how they handled it. And thus maybe everyone will have learned something new...
I hope, as I'm sure other readers both present and future, would like to see you come back to this blog and expand on your explanations of yourself as seen through your eyes. I hope that as you continue down this road, you will continue on the path you have already started. One such path is your view of yourself. I'll give an example. Anna, you have always had issues accepting praise from others. Accepting compliments are sometimes foreign to you, its something you have been working on. Please do not be afraid to give yourself these same compliments that you, with less negative frequency as of late, have been able to accept from others.
I can not speak for any other reader of this blog, now or later. But for me I can't wait to see your progress as you experience you, through others and as you experience you, through you. And hopefully I and my fellow readers will Grow, with you, as you experience yourself, through a much different lens.