The root of all funkyness...

I know I said, dear readers, that this blog was dedicated to finding peace and tranquility..learning how to let go of the anger and hate...creating a new and improved version of me. Well...under normal circumstances this is true.....but not today. Not this blog....
It has been raining for 5 days here in my world....this does NOT make for a happy girl. Sure, I love a good thunderstorm now and then...snuggled up on the sofa, homemade soup, a nice crackling fire.....but 5 days? Really? Enough..please.
And then there is the underlying issue. It is always there...brewing, bubbling, waiting ever so patiently for the crack in the foundation. The crack has become a chasm....
Once again, I have let my heart rule my head. And once again, I am hurt, and disappointed, and angry, and broken. What is so difficult about this? Follow through, do what you say you are going to do...what you say you WANT to do, do what is right, and true, and noble. Here's what I don't get.....when do I start to really matter? When is it that the actions go with the words? When does the reality become bigger than the illusion? I get that letting go is hard...Jesus, how many times have I had to do it? How many times have I walked away because it was the better option? Evidently not enough...I don't leave. I stay and suffer in silence. I bite my tongue, I close my heart, I allow the hurt to consume me and swallow me. But...I recognize the signs...
Love has basic principles...trust, passion, commitment, loyalty. When these principles are given to you, you return them...unconditionally, willingly, unwavering. Love is a precious gift..once you have begun to chip away its core, you open it to chaos. That is when it becomes unbearable, unpreditable, unstable.
And at the root of the problem is the heart..... I gave mine...whole, and pure, and trusting, and honorable...and the pieces that I am left with continue to find treacherous waters and dangerous shores. How can I heal my heart...why should I bother?
I truly thought that my life was complete...that I had searched and suffered enough...that peace remained in my soul. But this constant turmoil, this perpetual heartbreak, this unending bitterness, consumes me. I see it...I recognize its influence...I suffer because of it. And yet, I hold the power to release it...to free us both from its clutches...if I so choose. I suspect that I surrendered to it long ago...the inability to distinguish this fact is what creates the void betwen us...a void that I can never fill, or fix, or forget, or forgive.
I suffer still....silently, painfully, in constant agony. I am bitter, and angry, and broken.  I could have loved. I could have healed the wounds. I could have restored the faith. I could have been everything that we are becoming...and all that we have been. I could have held on forever.
Somehow, this blog post has turned into the window to my heart. I am slowly learning how to release you, how to release the pain and suffering you bring, how to release the ties that bind you to me..and me to you. I am learning to be strong on my own. I am learning to navigate the waters. I am learning to find contentment within my own soul. I am learning how to belong to the world....
I still seek peace and comfort...I still wonder and wait...I still believe that it is out there. But I realize that I can no longer allow my heart to navigate the journey...for my heart is lost within its own storm. The skies rage and rumble...and until I can quiet the turmoil that surrounds us..we will forever drown in our own good intentions.
So we shall see...