Insomnia vs. Ativan...

Well...here it is, the middle of the night. I am exhausted..but can't sleep. Story of my life. Laying in bed crying doesn't seem to be working..nor is it productive..so let's try this. Surely blogging will help....
I am a wreck. I am preparing for a breakdown of cosmic proportions. I am delusional...I am paranoid....I am not sleeping (hence the midnight blogging)..I am afraid every time I leave the house...I see her everywhere and I am convinced she follows me. I constantly look over my shoulder, waiting for something...anything. This is not rational behavior...and she is winning whatever battle she has begun. I am too tired to fight her...let alone defeat her. And I'm not even really sure that I want to or care.
How could this happen? I can tell you the exact moment that it began...it remains as raw and fresh today. It truly consumes me...I am obsessed and haunted by it. It invades every moment of my life.....
Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't you love me enough? Why wasn't the life I offered enough? What hold did she have that was greater than us? Why is it STILL greater than us? How could you? After all the pain and hurt and distrust that she created in you...that I begged you to let me heal.....how could you have so much contempt for me to do the same? How could you shatter my already fragile heart? A heart that you promised to protect and hold.
I have been unable to move on...to forgive...to forget. I am angry, and hurt, and bitter. I hate her...and I hate you for what you did. I hate who it makes me. I hate the hold that it has on my life. I hate that you are blind and deaf to it.
And while I want to blame her...and you...for all this pain, and heartbreak, and misery....maybe it IS me. Maybe it was me that drove you to her. Maybe it was me that created the void that she filled. Maybe it was me that didn't love you enough, or offer you enough, or hold you enough. Maybe it is my heart...maybe it is my head...maybe it is my hurt. Is it possible that this is punishment for some past wrong? Is it possible that I invited this into my life? Is it possible that I am not the victim...? Is it possible that this was the path that I was intended to follow...for some greater knowledge? Is it possible that I am still learning, still searching, still recovering? Or was I...am I...just an afterthought?
Did you consider the consequences? Do you even think of them now? Or are you so confident that you don't see the end result? You didn't love me enough then....why should you now?
You have managed to break my spirit...but not my wings. But not for lack of trying.
So....there it is. Maybe you deserve each other. Maybe you should let go of my heart and follow yours. Maybe you should start being honest with yourself...or with me. Or with her.
And just in case she is reading this (which I believe she is...)....know that you made your decision long ago. It is time for you to live with the chaos that you created. Make your peace with Karma.....and do it soon.
......to be continued........