And since you have no more to give...you surrender.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Waving the white flag...
There comes a time when you realize that the battle is much bigger than you..sometimes it isn't even a battle, but more likely a war. You discover the weapons used are far more sophisticated. You learn that the outcome favors the opposing side. You have lost your faith, lost your hope, and lost your reason. You have sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears...and it isn't enough. Life requires more. Love requires more. Faith requires more.
And since you have no more to give...you surrender.
And since you have no more to give...you surrender.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Swallow...
{I just realized that my title sounds completely dirty...}
I am a terrible Norwegian. I am not tough, I am not confrontational (mostly), I am sober. What the Hell is wrong here? It seems as if not only did I give up Amaretto for Lent...I gave up drinking all together. So let me tell you what this lesson teaches us....
1. I am not having any fun.
2. My life is showing me how much it sucks.
3. People piss me off.
4. The Life road crew needs to get busy fixing the chuckholes in my path....
So really...here's what I have been thinking on the last few days...I swallow life in an attempt to keep it manageable. I mean this literally and figuratively..whenever I am anxious, worried, nervous, or depressed..without thinking..I instinctively swallow drink (or food..or pills..) in order to push away the uncomfortable negative experience that I am feeling within. I thirst...but it isn't for coffee, or wine, or....*GASP*...Amaretto. It's for inner peace, and deeper connection, and meaning, and answers.
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, believed that alcoholism was a sacred disease. It occurred to him that "it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally refer to alcoholic drinks as spirits, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the Spirit than others, that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or better yet, a spiritual condition." I believe this is probably true. Mostly. I have such a passionate thirst for creativity, for spirituality, for life...that I just don't know what I truly need to satisfy my cravings. I realize that I am really thirsty for joy and serenity...I understand that I am not dehydrated but spiritually and emotionally dry.
This has proven especially true of late. I have been broken lately. I am walking a dark, twisted, bumpy path and it has brought me to neither light nor revelation. I need a fork in the road. I need to change directions. I say again..I need the road crew to pave on ahead of me....I'll catch up. I have been blaming myself for alot of ills. I have been carrying unnecessary..unwarranted...unjustified guilt. I have been hiding behind anger, and fear, and doubt. These burdens have made my path harder to navigate and longer to walk. And they make the thirst greater and the drink bitter.
NO MORE. I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am removing negativity and replacing it with promise. I am walking away from hurt and welcoming healing. I am going to stop swallowing life...I am going to start consuming it. Breathe...see...hear...taste....define...recognize....rejoice.
"Your thorns are the best part of you" ~ Marianne Moore. I am accepting the thorns..and allowing the rose to bloom. I hope it's pink...and really pretty.
I am a terrible Norwegian. I am not tough, I am not confrontational (mostly), I am sober. What the Hell is wrong here? It seems as if not only did I give up Amaretto for Lent...I gave up drinking all together. So let me tell you what this lesson teaches us....
1. I am not having any fun.
2. My life is showing me how much it sucks.
3. People piss me off.
4. The Life road crew needs to get busy fixing the chuckholes in my path....
So really...here's what I have been thinking on the last few days...I swallow life in an attempt to keep it manageable. I mean this literally and figuratively..whenever I am anxious, worried, nervous, or depressed..without thinking..I instinctively swallow drink (or food..or pills..) in order to push away the uncomfortable negative experience that I am feeling within. I thirst...but it isn't for coffee, or wine, or....*GASP*...Amaretto. It's for inner peace, and deeper connection, and meaning, and answers.
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, believed that alcoholism was a sacred disease. It occurred to him that "it was perhaps no accident that we traditionally refer to alcoholic drinks as spirits, and that perhaps alcoholics were people who had a greater thirst for the Spirit than others, that perhaps alcoholism was a spiritual disorder or better yet, a spiritual condition." I believe this is probably true. Mostly. I have such a passionate thirst for creativity, for spirituality, for life...that I just don't know what I truly need to satisfy my cravings. I realize that I am really thirsty for joy and serenity...I understand that I am not dehydrated but spiritually and emotionally dry.
This has proven especially true of late. I have been broken lately. I am walking a dark, twisted, bumpy path and it has brought me to neither light nor revelation. I need a fork in the road. I need to change directions. I say again..I need the road crew to pave on ahead of me....I'll catch up. I have been blaming myself for alot of ills. I have been carrying unnecessary..unwarranted...unjustified guilt. I have been hiding behind anger, and fear, and doubt. These burdens have made my path harder to navigate and longer to walk. And they make the thirst greater and the drink bitter.
NO MORE. I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am removing negativity and replacing it with promise. I am walking away from hurt and welcoming healing. I am going to stop swallowing life...I am going to start consuming it. Breathe...see...hear...taste....define...recognize....rejoice.
"Your thorns are the best part of you" ~ Marianne Moore. I am accepting the thorns..and allowing the rose to bloom. I hope it's pink...and really pretty.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Take two and call me in the morning...
I know that there has been mass hysteria and blind confusion regarding my whereabouts of late. Everyone can come down from the ledge now...I am alive. I have been struck down by the wrath of Spring ( I assume Mother Nature inflicted me because I got mouthy.)...I have been suffering the nastiest cold/cough/fever EVER. Seriously...it's been a rough few days. I finally managed to drag myself into the shower the other day..because let's face it...in my condition..if I can smell myself I must be ripe! So...today my germies and I are up and trying to be productiveish. While I was down I read the following quote.."the body is, quite literally, our vehicle for being-for giving, for loving, for moving, for feeling-and if it doesn't work, it's fairly certain that nothing else in our lives will work, either." Word. So I am taking care of said body and willing it to work.
But just so you know...I will be out of town for the next few days. A little business, a pinch of pleasure, and a ton of pictures. Stay tuned.
Oh...and to any "concerned" parties who might be wondering...I don't care about you...or your drama.
Kisses from quarantine!
But just so you know...I will be out of town for the next few days. A little business, a pinch of pleasure, and a ton of pictures. Stay tuned.
Oh...and to any "concerned" parties who might be wondering...I don't care about you...or your drama.
Kisses from quarantine!
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Glad That's Over...
I am just going to be honest here people.."Government Shutdown 2011" was growing tiresome. Now that isn't to say that I wasn't just a little bit worried. Because, let's face it, they are messing with my lifestyle. Yes, that was funny...but in all seriousness...I was concerned about paying our bills, and keeping food on the table, and him having a job to go to come Monday morning. Oh and I couldn't WAIT to get the email/phone call from her.."Yes, I know the Government halted funds..but where is my money?"
Now, I don't tend to put too much stock in anything that comes out of D.C....Hell, even the football team sucks. But shouldn't there be some kind of safeguard in place for things like this? I mean from everything I read it seems as if Congress continues to get paid no matter what? For what? For living in a plush penthouse and bossing people around? Meanwhile there are soldiers and sailors dying for the liberties that the Fat Cats abuse. And they want to punish them for the mistakes of our Government. And it isn't just the enlisted that suffer..it's the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and children of those military..those left at home to make ends meet on what little the Government gives them to live on. It is a disgrace. It's sad that these men and women..most of whom are proud to do what they do everyday...are disrespected by the very forces that require their service. Governments start wars...and ask the men and women in uniform to carry the torch for them...while they hide behind policies and politics.
Yes...the Military is a job. Yes...it's a chosen profession. One that they don't do to get rich. But we would never dream of asking doctors, or lawyers, or *gasp* movie stars to take a pay cut...or, worse yet,...wonder if they were even going to get paid. And I'm pretty sure that Brad Pitt doesn't spend 10 months a year away from his family living in a war zone. (but he does live with Angelina Jolie...a war zone all wrapped up in crazy..so while I am going to cut him some slack..his paycheck still has more zeros in it than ours. So fuck him.)
I am blessed to live here..I am a proud American...and I love God and Country. But I fear my Government. And if you aren't outraged...you aren't paying attention.
And all of that is just my humble opinion.
Now, I don't tend to put too much stock in anything that comes out of D.C....Hell, even the football team sucks. But shouldn't there be some kind of safeguard in place for things like this? I mean from everything I read it seems as if Congress continues to get paid no matter what? For what? For living in a plush penthouse and bossing people around? Meanwhile there are soldiers and sailors dying for the liberties that the Fat Cats abuse. And they want to punish them for the mistakes of our Government. And it isn't just the enlisted that suffer..it's the husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, and children of those military..those left at home to make ends meet on what little the Government gives them to live on. It is a disgrace. It's sad that these men and women..most of whom are proud to do what they do everyday...are disrespected by the very forces that require their service. Governments start wars...and ask the men and women in uniform to carry the torch for them...while they hide behind policies and politics.
Yes...the Military is a job. Yes...it's a chosen profession. One that they don't do to get rich. But we would never dream of asking doctors, or lawyers, or *gasp* movie stars to take a pay cut...or, worse yet,...wonder if they were even going to get paid. And I'm pretty sure that Brad Pitt doesn't spend 10 months a year away from his family living in a war zone. (but he does live with Angelina Jolie...a war zone all wrapped up in crazy..so while I am going to cut him some slack..his paycheck still has more zeros in it than ours. So fuck him.)
I am blessed to live here..I am a proud American...and I love God and Country. But I fear my Government. And if you aren't outraged...you aren't paying attention.
And all of that is just my humble opinion.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Yay!...
Well what do you know?....Mother Nature and I are on speaking terms again. Thanks Momma Nat for reading my blog and accommodating my needs. After a week of nasty, shitty, cold, icky rain...she blessed me with two beautiful days. Now...I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and all that (which by the way I think is one of the STUPIDEST sayings ever)...but it was almost a tad warm today AND a little too breezy...so maybe a touch more tweaking and we will be RIGHT THERE. Let's try tomorrow...OK then? Thanks a bunch! You're a peach!!
I also want to send a big THANK YOU shout out to the nice folks at El Azteca for feeding me and the family tonight. I just could NOT deal with rummaging, planning, cooking, and cleaning. Plus...they have guacamole. Enough said.
That's about it for tonight. Yep...I'm pretty sure that's it.
(unless that creaking in my bones means more rain...in which case...I am gonna need to have another chat with the lady in charge! Oh...and my condolences to those of you who have recently gotten SNOW! Yeah...sucks to be you!)
I also want to send a big THANK YOU shout out to the nice folks at El Azteca for feeding me and the family tonight. I just could NOT deal with rummaging, planning, cooking, and cleaning. Plus...they have guacamole. Enough said.
That's about it for tonight. Yep...I'm pretty sure that's it.
(unless that creaking in my bones means more rain...in which case...I am gonna need to have another chat with the lady in charge! Oh...and my condolences to those of you who have recently gotten SNOW! Yeah...sucks to be you!)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
One wish...
The list of things that I need, want and/or desire is extensive. To name a few...I want financial freedom (as in I want to win the lottery). I want a stable, loving, honest relationship. I want a cute house with a picket fence (preferrably paid for..by someone else). I want a studio filled with adoring (read paying) customers. I want a good solid nights sleep. I want relief from the constant pain that I suffer. I want world peace....and lower gas prices. I want her to go away...forever. I want my cute puppy to stop barking at stupid shit. I want a walk in closet full of shoes (wait...almost there). Most of the time I want people to just leave me alone.
But do you know what I want more than anything else in the entire universe? A bathroom with a door and a fucking lock. Think bank vault secure. Seriously. That way, I can take a piss...alone...without the entire household descending upon me. Hell, even the dog has to come in and lay across my feet. Really? I can be in the house with them all day...and no one speaks to me or acknowledges my existence...but Jesus...the minute that my bladder asks for a little millisecond of time....all holy hell breaks loose. All of a sudden everyone has a gazillion and four questions...that have to be answered rightnowhurryupineedtoknow.....or matters of mass importance arise....or plans for dinner have to be finalized. I WANT 10 SECONDS....10 FUCKING SECONDS. No one is going to get infected with stupid or starve to death or push the button starting an atomic war in the time that it takes me to dribble some pee. I promise. But I bet if I went in there and started yakking...not a single soul would need me then. In fact..I bet my house would turn into a damn ghost town. With tumbleweeds.
See? I'm a simple girl....just one bathroom door. And ten seconds. OK...Maybe a minute. One minute...alone...that's all. I swear I will get back to spinning the world as soon as I am done. And take the dog with you when you leave.
But do you know what I want more than anything else in the entire universe? A bathroom with a door and a fucking lock. Think bank vault secure. Seriously. That way, I can take a piss...alone...without the entire household descending upon me. Hell, even the dog has to come in and lay across my feet. Really? I can be in the house with them all day...and no one speaks to me or acknowledges my existence...but Jesus...the minute that my bladder asks for a little millisecond of time....all holy hell breaks loose. All of a sudden everyone has a gazillion and four questions...that have to be answered rightnowhurryupineedtoknow.....or matters of mass importance arise....or plans for dinner have to be finalized. I WANT 10 SECONDS....10 FUCKING SECONDS. No one is going to get infected with stupid or starve to death or push the button starting an atomic war in the time that it takes me to dribble some pee. I promise. But I bet if I went in there and started yakking...not a single soul would need me then. In fact..I bet my house would turn into a damn ghost town. With tumbleweeds.
See? I'm a simple girl....just one bathroom door. And ten seconds. OK...Maybe a minute. One minute...alone...that's all. I swear I will get back to spinning the world as soon as I am done. And take the dog with you when you leave.
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