I have a confession to make...

I want to join the club. I want to be a card carrying member of the Suzi Homemaker-Betty Crocker-crafty-Superwoman-Stay at home mom fellowship. I read all these wonderful beautiful blogs written by smarter women than me...and I see the fabulous projects that they produce...and I think (usually out loud) 'Holy shit, that's really cute! I can so totally do THAT!' And then I don't. Because I can't.
I'm not crafty. I don't knit, or crochet, or quilt, or sew. I don't scrapbook. I don't see uses for papers, or paints, or glitter. I can't draw. I don't garden. I don't see something in my head and then reproduce it with success. In fact, usually it's a glued hands messy crumbled fiery disaster failure.
I fear that this will get me evicted from the group. I am afraid that the other stay at home moms will force me out by majority vote at the next pom pom meeting. What will happen to me then? Who will claim me? If there is a clique of retro rebel tattooed drunk moms then I am in like sin....but..is there hazing involved? Virginal sacrifices? Enemy ass whoopings? (Actually...I need the president of this club to get in touch with me immediately. We have much to discuss.)
Craftiness and such aside....there are some things I do pretty well. I am a great cook (I don't DO it...but I CAN). I can bake the fuck out of something fattening (and I look damn good in an apron). I clean like a mad woman (mostly cause I am, in fact, mad.). I can write like nobodies business (not that anyone is asking me to). I can antique all day (and find the perfect spot for some random purchase). And I can take a wicked mean photograph. And that's where the creative train screeches to a halt.
I suppose that Small would tell you that I am a super awesome hilarious mom. Well...she would. On the days when she isn't all whompy. And I'm not all crazy. (My nuclear family consists of a menopausal mom and a premenstrual girl...what could possibly be more 'nuclear' than that?) But being the greatest mom on the planet isn't the same as being the greatest most creative artistically endowed mom on the planet. Exactly.
So basically....I suck as a "stay at home" anything. It's my sad and disturbing reality. I am never going to morph into June Cleaver/Martha Stewart while I sleep. Just wanted you all to know.