Is this thing on?...

If you sit and stare at a blank computer screen...is it writers block, or bloggers block? Either way...I have it. I have that gnawing sense that I SHOULD be writing something, that I SHOULD be witty and funny and creative. Nope...still nothing. What is the problem? Have I not had enough wondrous adventures and heartbreaking letdowns? Where does the good stuff come from if not from real life? And I have a plethora of reality...seriously.....here....have some of my reality. I'm giving it away...free of charge.
On a side note...my small and I are in the car today (not a shocking event in and of itself...) and she says from the back seat..."Mom, I am confused." (Dear Lord, me too. Oh wait....what?) Me: "Yes, my darling precious...what could you possibly be confused about?" Her: "Well....isn't it October?" Me: "Yes." Her: "Well...I just saw red Christmas lights on that house." Me: "Are you sure they weren't orange Halloween lights?" Her: "Really mom?" Me: "Well...yes?" Her: "Nope. Red Christmas lights." Me: "I think maybe orange Halloween lights." Her: "I can't win this can I?" Me: "I doubt it." Her: hysterical giggles and (I think) an eye roll in my direction. What just happened? That's funny though.
So back to my writers/bloggers block. I will admit that I have been uncharacteristically  (oooo...that's a big word...I'm going to need to spell check that one!) busy of late. Dinner parties, homework, travel, facebooking, photo editing. I have played housewife, mommy, chauffeur, therapist, best friend, photographer. Notice that "blogger" is conveniently missing from the list? It has been a busy week....and still, as I search the recesses of my memory bank, I sit with not one creative thought brewing in my skull socket. What has the world come to?
Another side note...evidently we have the "terrible twos" at my house. My diva weenie (who just had a birthday last week...) refuses to go down the stairs. Really? He must be carried and held and comforted....I presume he has fallen and thus is traumatized....but now I must deal with fleas AND a pathological fear of stairs? When does the madness end? Good thing he is cute and loves his mommy.....
And back to the staring.....
My brain hurts....
I will be creative tomorrow. Ummm...yeah...that's it. Tomorrow.

The happy train...

So it occurs to me today that I have been waiting...just sitting here, waiting. Waiting for what, you ask? I am waiting for the happy train....you know...the magical train (think Hogwarts Express for adults!) that will whisk me away to a far off land filled with puffy clouds and sunshine and fairies. Where kings and princes woo me, where I am fed bountiful feasts, where there is music and dancing and celebration. (maybe I have been watching too much Tudors...). I am waiting for a morning where lost shoes mysteriously re-appear, an afternoon where the house has wished itself clean and dinner has cooked itself, and an evening where everyone is calm and relaxed and tucked into their own beds peacefully and quietly. I am waiting for that one way ticket to appear...do you think it got lost in the mail?
And it is always something....I will be happy when I don't have to work. Done. I will be happy when this deployment is over. Done. I will be happy when school starts again. Done. I will be happy when...when...when. I'm not happy. So I keep waiting on the train....the lost train for which I still have no ticket.
And then it hits me....hard....wait a minute. I can BE happy.....if I want to be. I can wait forever for the train (which, by the way, I have decided isn't coming..shocking I know.)...or I can create my own happy. It might not be conventional happy. It might not be convenient happy. Hell, it might not even be REAL happy. But, it can be MY happy.
I can sleep in if I want to. I can eat cookies and cake for breakfast. I can watch smutty miniseries on TV in my living room in my pyjamas. I can wander aimlessly, I can talk to myself, I can color outside the lines. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. Because I CAN. So there....
So all this time that I have been waiting, I have been wasting all these really good opportunities to tell life to cram it...reality sucks. My version is way better...more creative, more fun...more everything. I choose to find happiness...to hunt it down and haul it home and make it my slave. I choose to make happiness work for me...I'm tired of waiting for it to make time for me. I demand more than my fair share!!!
But train...if you are on your way here.....could you pick me up a grande mocha latte for the trip? Smoochies!

I should blog...but...

OK..Wednesday. I feel like I should blog..but I don't really know what to say. Not feeling funny, not feeling smart, not feeling anything really. Oh, except the pain in my stomach. Yeah...I feel that.
So a steady dose of Vicodin...a little Ativan...oh, a pinch of something for the nausea...concoctions and brews abound...makes for alot of deep unconsciousness. I suppose it keeps me out of trouble. And really..it's hard to be angry when you are asleep.
Not much to tell from my world...eating, sleeping, reading, watching the occasional miniseries (I am completely engrossed right now in the Tudors...lush, opulent, of questionable historic merit!). Throw in a little cooking and cleaning....that pretty much covers all the bases.
The bright spot to this week is the upcoming trip to Tennessee to visit my sweet family. Seeing my precious nephew is joy enough...but I also get to take some family photos! So Eos will be busy as well.....always a positive. I derive so much pleasure from photography...the perfect escape from my reality.
Well......medicines are telling me that this will be a very short blog today. I will attempt some creative storytelling tomorrow!
Goodnight and God bless.

Insomnia vs. Ativan...

Well...here it is, the middle of the night. I am exhausted..but can't sleep. Story of my life. Laying in bed crying doesn't seem to be working..nor is it productive..so let's try this. Surely blogging will help....
I am a wreck. I am preparing for a breakdown of cosmic proportions. I am delusional...I am paranoid....I am not sleeping (hence the midnight blogging)..I am afraid every time I leave the house...I see her everywhere and I am convinced she follows me. I constantly look over my shoulder, waiting for something...anything. This is not rational behavior...and she is winning whatever battle she has begun. I am too tired to fight her...let alone defeat her. And I'm not even really sure that I want to or care.
How could this happen? I can tell you the exact moment that it began...it remains as raw and fresh today. It truly consumes me...I am obsessed and haunted by it. It invades every moment of my life.....
Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't you love me enough? Why wasn't the life I offered enough? What hold did she have that was greater than us? Why is it STILL greater than us? How could you? After all the pain and hurt and distrust that she created in you...that I begged you to let me heal.....how could you have so much contempt for me to do the same? How could you shatter my already fragile heart? A heart that you promised to protect and hold.
I have been unable to move on...to forgive...to forget. I am angry, and hurt, and bitter. I hate her...and I hate you for what you did. I hate who it makes me. I hate the hold that it has on my life. I hate that you are blind and deaf to it.
And while I want to blame her...and you...for all this pain, and heartbreak, and misery....maybe it IS me. Maybe it was me that drove you to her. Maybe it was me that created the void that she filled. Maybe it was me that didn't love you enough, or offer you enough, or hold you enough. Maybe it is my heart...maybe it is my head...maybe it is my hurt. Is it possible that this is punishment for some past wrong? Is it possible that I invited this into my life? Is it possible that I am not the victim...? Is it possible that this was the path that I was intended to follow...for some greater knowledge? Is it possible that I am still learning, still searching, still recovering? Or was I...am I...just an afterthought?
Did you consider the consequences? Do you even think of them now? Or are you so confident that you don't see the end result? You didn't love me enough then....why should you now?
You have managed to break my spirit...but not my wings. But not for lack of trying.
So....there it is. Maybe you deserve each other. Maybe you should let go of my heart and follow yours. Maybe you should start being honest with yourself...or with me. Or with her.
And just in case she is reading this (which I believe she is...)....know that you made your decision long ago. It is time for you to live with the chaos that you created. Make your peace with Karma.....and do it soon.
......to be continued........

I'm too old for this blankety blank blank......

So here I sit....the end of another LONG week...feeling bad because I am so behind on my blogging. I will attempt to rehash the nastiness that was my week...without boring you to tears.
We have already discussed Monday. Eww. No thank you. Tuesday finds us awake and still hurting...really?...3 days worth? Off to the Emergency Room!! Nine long drug hazed hours later, I am released with the knowledge I already possessed...thank you ER Gods for your wisdom and mercy. So..one kidney stone later...
I do want to point out how irritating it is that I am trying to become a more peaceful and lovable me and the world seems bent on preventing this. I mean really....all I want is everyone to do what I tell them to do, when I tell them to do it, and be happy about it. What is so difficult about this? Let's maybe try that out this coming week...hmmm? Trust me on this one....
Ah Wednesday! The bright spot in my week. I was invited to a great concert with my best chum...and we lived it up! Even my snarky ill tempered kidney stone enjoyed the night out! I got some great pictures for the photography website and even managed an almost full night of sleep.
And then the sun came up on Thursday....and shone on a neglected and forlorn household. Dishes in the sink, dirt on the floors, laundry in mountains of all shapes and sizes. When did this happen? Who gave the maid the day off? Whoa whoa whoa....it occurs to me....I AM THE MAID. Dammit.
So....cleaning is in my future. Or delegating...yeah..there was some of that. Because a girl has priorities..like movies, and sleeping, and facebooking, and photo editing. I am busy here. But mostly the house got cleaned.
Friday...absolutely nothing happened. Weird. I am actually sitting at the end of it and I can't even remember the middle of it. I think I managed to clean the kitchen, put away the laundry and squeeze in a few episodes of a great miniseries.
Tomorrow is packed with activity....errands and photo ops with the bestie, happy homemaker in the afternoon, and dinner guests in the evening. Should provide for much blog fodder....
There you have it...my week in a cracked and gruesome nutshell. I am looking forward to some downtime this weekend...a recharge and restart for next week. I am getting back on track for the cheery and upbeat...I am getting back in the groove...I am kicking the bullshit to the curb. Yep...you read that right. Should be a wild and crazy ride...you coming with?
...goodnight and God bless!

Are you kidding me?...

I swear that today must be a Monday...oh wait, it is. So, let's not even discuss the fact that it is...once again...raining. And let's leave out the ever worsening, debilitating painful parts. Oh, and the dog has fleas. What is left?? Hmmmm....a quandary.
Let's focus on the positives...shall we? I spent some time in the kitchen today-made a HUGE pot of vegetable beef soup...just like my mommas. Good ole comfort food. It was lovely...house to myself, sound of the rain outside (boo) and a knife on the cutting board. Had a small friend over for dinner...little girl chatter is always therapeutic. Oh, and let's not forget about the brownies and Irish coffee that I had for dessert. Yep...that helped.
I worked on some photos this evening. I tweaked the blog. I found some great creative ideas online. I watched some episodes of my favorite show (thank you Netflix). My house is relatively clean, the fridge is stocked, I have tomorrow nights dinner prepped, and everyone is in peaceful slumber. I guess my job here is done. Except for that flea problem.
So I might start some projects tomorrow. Looking at some Halloween and Christmas things. I've never really been the "crafty" type...but who knows? Might as well give this whole "stay at home mom" thing a go. I might even be good at it....
Not much else to tell y'all about tonight...here's hoping for blue skies and cheery blogs tomorrow!
As always...goodnight and God bless.

The root of all funkyness...

I know I said, dear readers, that this blog was dedicated to finding peace and tranquility..learning how to let go of the anger and hate...creating a new and improved version of me. Well...under normal circumstances this is true.....but not today. Not this blog....
It has been raining for 5 days here in my world....this does NOT make for a happy girl. Sure, I love a good thunderstorm now and then...snuggled up on the sofa, homemade soup, a nice crackling fire.....but 5 days? Really? Enough..please.
And then there is the underlying issue. It is always there...brewing, bubbling, waiting ever so patiently for the crack in the foundation. The crack has become a chasm....
Once again, I have let my heart rule my head. And once again, I am hurt, and disappointed, and angry, and broken. What is so difficult about this? Follow through, do what you say you are going to do...what you say you WANT to do, do what is right, and true, and noble. Here's what I don't get.....when do I start to really matter? When is it that the actions go with the words? When does the reality become bigger than the illusion? I get that letting go is hard...Jesus, how many times have I had to do it? How many times have I walked away because it was the better option? Evidently not enough...I don't leave. I stay and suffer in silence. I bite my tongue, I close my heart, I allow the hurt to consume me and swallow me. But...I recognize the signs...
Love has basic principles...trust, passion, commitment, loyalty. When these principles are given to you, you return them...unconditionally, willingly, unwavering. Love is a precious gift..once you have begun to chip away its core, you open it to chaos. That is when it becomes unbearable, unpreditable, unstable.
And at the root of the problem is the heart..... I gave mine...whole, and pure, and trusting, and honorable...and the pieces that I am left with continue to find treacherous waters and dangerous shores. How can I heal my heart...why should I bother?
I truly thought that my life was complete...that I had searched and suffered enough...that peace remained in my soul. But this constant turmoil, this perpetual heartbreak, this unending bitterness, consumes me. I see it...I recognize its influence...I suffer because of it. And yet, I hold the power to release it...to free us both from its clutches...if I so choose. I suspect that I surrendered to it long ago...the inability to distinguish this fact is what creates the void betwen us...a void that I can never fill, or fix, or forget, or forgive.
I suffer still....silently, painfully, in constant agony. I am bitter, and angry, and broken.  I could have loved. I could have healed the wounds. I could have restored the faith. I could have been everything that we are becoming...and all that we have been. I could have held on forever.
Somehow, this blog post has turned into the window to my heart. I am slowly learning how to release you, how to release the pain and suffering you bring, how to release the ties that bind you to me..and me to you. I am learning to be strong on my own. I am learning to navigate the waters. I am learning to find contentment within my own soul. I am learning how to belong to the world....
I still seek peace and comfort...I still wonder and wait...I still believe that it is out there. But I realize that I can no longer allow my heart to navigate the journey...for my heart is lost within its own storm. The skies rage and rumble...and until I can quiet the turmoil that surrounds us..we will forever drown in our own good intentions.
So we shall see...