Saturday was hella fun with my favorite ladies. Roadtripping. I highly suggest it. Who cares if you end up exhausted, sunburned, sore, and confused?! It's all worth it...
I am going to attempt to rehash some of the frivolity, bitchiness, and utter hilarity. But some of it will just need to remain in the confines of the truck....for the safety and sanity of the people involved. #TeamShadyPotatoes!
Up EARLY. Pack picnic lunch. Lou picks me up. Late. Head to Heathers house. Pick her up. Head to ferry boat to cross over to North Carolina. None of us have ever been on the ferry....so this is bound to get interesting. Get to boat launch area..early. Good for us since Lou drives like a grandma. As we drive onto ferry, guy gives us shit. I like this boat already.
No smoking. No drinking. No pets. No Fishing. No swimming. NO PROBLEM....
You see that water? Unless that's BEER...I ain't swimming in it. Lou and H "did it all the time"...Thank you for proving my point. The ferry was cool. There was a nice breeze off the water, the view was amazing, and we laughed at the old lady whose dress kept blowing up, revealing her granny panties. You go, girl! Captain comes out around halfway across....dude be all open shirt, bare chest, drunk as shit. This just gets better and better.
Land. A quick stop on the other side at the Old Currituck Jail. Super wicked cool old brick building that I am absolutely positive was haunted. Almost fell through rotted wood at doorway while trying to get a picture. Convinced girls would have left me to fend for myself due to full bladders.
H pushes on big marble ball out front...threatening a vandalism charge. Stop at gas station/McDonalds (a combination I have decided is of questionable merit)...LINE for the bathroom. Are you serious? And this was not an ordinary bathroom....oh no. This was a cess pool of gross smelly ick with doors. Indoor plumbing at its very worst. We held our breath, did our business, and ran for the truck. Probably offending many a native in the process. Doused hands, arms, legs, and nostrils with sanitizer.
Start driving...with no particular destination in mind. Elizabeth City? Sure!! So we go....along the way we saw...
*A doghouse in the middle of a field warning us to 'Beware of Dog'....Ummmm...OK?
*Sligo. Anna says..."That sign said Sligo. S.L.I.G.O. Sligo. That's freaking hilarious." 10 miles up the road H sees name of town and cracks up. "Sligo. Did you see that?". "We had this talk already. Do you not LISTEN?" "I think you had that whole conversation in your head and not out loud." (Trust me...this was hilarious. And became the basis of a day of blaming Anna's medication for poor memory and unheard conversations. Is possible that voices in my head were totally to blame.)
I am a hog and I am trafficing. So I need to stop for this. Immediately.
Get to E.C..Wander around aimlessly. H decides A knows tons of useless factoids. Especially about farm implements and fall out shelters. (This will come in handy during impending Zombie attack and/or winning final Jeopardy.) H has small duckling about tractors looking like space ships. Decide to go to farmers market next to water. Discover that All of Elizabeth City be Potatin'! Find and rescue lone blueberry in the grass.
Blueberries. Buy some for picnic lunch. Eat right out of bucket. (Side seriousness...the blueberries were freaking delishiousness awesomesauce.) Walk over to waters edge because cool boat is docked there. Want to photograph said boat. (Decide against stealing said boat for fear of North Carolina jail and A with no bail money. Lou and H say they will eat blueberries and drink slushie margarita mix used as ice pack and wait for me to just get released on my own. True bitches.)
Walk along boardwalk...looking, talking, photographing, dreaming of more blueberries. Pick out house that I will live in. Let go of dream of stealing boat. H declares that Elizabeth City...in all their Potatiness...should have a Potato Festival. ('Cause she saw a shirt with it written on it.) L informs her...a little rudely..that "They DO. I sent A a Facebook invite. Sorry you missed out." H not happy with this. Decides we are attending next year. No excuses.
Still don't know what fish-crabbing is. But you can't do it. And this second picture? Well it's just one of my favorites. Find old abandoned brick building. Must get closer look. Probably trespass. Discover super secret picnic spot (OK...it was totally a public area..but my version sounds better.). Stake out table. Enjoy lovely picnic, intense but therapeutic conversation, and shade.
Actually....from here on out, it's best if you just read my girl Lou's blog. 'Cause it's all in the details...and my details are fuzzy. ('cause she had all the notes. Don't fucking lie Lou. #Whatever.) In fact, I was reading her blog,
, on the phone with her, crying, and saying..."did I really say that? OMG...we're fucking hilarious." #BigFunnyEgo. (If you follow us both, I apologize now. If not...read on. Trust me. My comments are added...people need to hear my side of the story.)
Warning: The blog you
are about to read is not for the faint hearted, reader discretion is advised.
It will also be a lengthy blog. Please be aware of this before
continuing on with this post. (Pour something in
something and get comfy. And pee first. Again, trust me.)
Saturday, June 9,
2012…..was AMAZING! We had such a good time together.
Recap for those of you that DON’T read my blog (HH…not that I am pointing the
finger or anything.). (HAHAHAHA....Totally called a bitch OUT!!!)
My dear, darling
friend Anna called me one day and informed me that on this particular day, we
were going to pick up Heather and head down to ride the ferry from Knotts
Island to Currituck and that we were doing a photo extravaganza. (Oh yeah, I
have to plan said photo extravaganza (Be the Cruise Director).) Ok. I bite proverbial bait. Fast forward.
Day has been planned.
I thought we agreed upon meeting at Anna’s house at 7:30 AM to start this day
of maddening fun. Clearly, I was mistaken. It was 7 AM that I was supposed to
be there. OOPS. SORRY! ( I don't think you ARE sorry.)
We pack the cooler,
and head out to gas up and get the much needed caffeine from the local WaWa.
AHH, elixir of life, how I love you. Heading to Heather’s house. Already know
we are gonna be late. Remember to tell Anna that I, like a moron, never got
Heather’s cell phone number, so, I needed her to FB message her and let her
know A. we need her cell number, B. we are late (SHOCKING). Mission,
accomplished.
We arrived at
Heather’s house, and greeted her and the children. Got into Big, Huge, Monster
Warden Truck and headed out. WOO HOO!! We are on the road!! (YAY!!..Cute kids
Heather, by the way!)
Anna proceeds to give
me shit about driving like a grandma down Princess Anne Road. “Let me tell you
something, ANNA…..this is a big ass truck, this road is curvy, like a snake. I
want to arrive alive. Thank you!” Shit giving ceased momentarily. (Momentarily. #TakeItLikeAGirl)
Knotts Island, NC.
When we got there, only 1 car was ahead of us, and it appeared that we would
have a nice, comfortable ride with not a lot of people blocking any necessary
shots. SCORE!
When we were directed
to drive onto the ferry, we were getting shit from the ferry boat
guys….whatever, it made our morning funner. Dude parked us so close to the
wall, Anna and Heather could not open their doors. SO, I told them: “Just climb
over! Come on!” Anna almost face-planted onto the ferry, and Heather pops out like
a friggin’ piece of toast. Whatever, skinny. (This moment was NOT hilarious. I was
scared. It was scary.)
We were officially out
of the truck, and went up the stairs to stand on the deck and enjoy the view.
Gorgeous, amazing, fantastic ride. The sound was gross looking. Brown water is
always worrisome, however, Heather and I were discussing how funny it was that
when we were kids, we didn’t think anything about it and just hopped on in for
all day swimming fun. Anna is totally grossed out by our childhood. (True. #ExplainsAlot)
Heather happened to
turn her head and notice this old lady that thought she was Marilynn Monroe,
and just let her dress blow all up showing her granny panties. We took a while
discussing said Marilynn and wondered how she had no flipping clue that her
dress was coming up to her shoulder blades. Laughed and I snapped a picture.
About half way through
our journey, the Captain emerged from his hide-out. #Disturbed
Captain is standing,
looking at the top of the ferry. Pretty sure at this point he is contemplating
climbing up and riding the spinner thing on top of the ferry. Oh yeah, forgot
to mention, his shirt was half tucked in and halfway unbuttoned.
We reached the shores
of Currituck and after bumping and jerking our way into port, got the HELL off
of that ferry. (It was a very lovely, very enjoyable ride, except for Drunken
Oh Captain My Captain, and Marilynn.) (Oh Captain, My Captain!! #NotRight)
Driving off of the
ferry, we were wondering what these buildings were off to the right. STOP! Old
Currituck Jail. Let the photo’s commence.
As we wrapped up our
jail shoot, we all needed to stop and use the facilities somewhere. Find gas
station/McDonalds….odd combination. 1 Bathroom, 2 stalls, ALL KINDS OF SMELLY
AND GROSS. Used anyway, ran out complaining of nastiness, and got in truck to commence
de-contamination with hand sanitizer.
Lou: “Where are we
going? Elizabeth City?”
Anna: “Sounds good,
let’s go.”
Lou: “Which way?”
Anna: “I don’t know.”
Lou: “You are the
worst navigator in history.”
Anna: “Turn right.” (I don't remember this
conversation. #PleadTheFifth)
I turned right, and
off to Elizabeth City we go. (See? I was correct. It was right. #GoodNavigator) Along the way we pass lots of corn fields, one
with a dog house that has a sign nailed on the roof “Beware Of Dog”, we passed
a sign that says “Hog Crossing”, (Had to turn around and go back for this
amazing photo that can be found HERE.) (See photo above), and a sign that said “Sligo”.
Anna: “Sligo…S L I G
O, Sligo.”
Continuing down the
road.
Heather: “Sligo! HAHA.
That’s the funniest thing.”
Anna: “I just said
that.”
Heather: “I’m pretty
sure you had that conversation in your head.”
Anna: “Whatever
Heather.” (Pretty sure I probably said Shut Up, Heather. #YourStory)
We arrived in
Elizabeth City and followed our way down to the little waterside farmers market
that they have on Saturdays. BLUEBERRIES…yum. Bought some. We wandered around
and checked out all the different little booths. (Let me explain something to
you. When you go buy a bottle of Purell Hand Sanitizer and take off the label
and write on it “Germ Juice” and put cute little stickers on it, it does not
make that $2.00 bottle of Purell a $5.00 bottle of Purell. I can do that
myself, THANKS.)
Next up…walk 15 paces
to the boardwalk. Take photos of waterfront. Lovely. (See photos above.
#MineAreBetter #JustKidding)
We spotted this old
building and decided to walk over and check it out. Turns out it was the old
Elizabeth City Milling Company. AWESOME! Totally taking pictures here. (#Trespassing)
Anna: “WHEW! It
stinks.”
Lou: “This building
smells like a potato chip fart.”
Heather: “Potato chip
fart?”
Lou: “Yep.”
Heather: “Look at all
those bottles in there. People were potatin’ all up in there. All night long
they were potatin’.”
Lou: “Elizabeth City
potates.” (Thus begins all day Potatin'. Everywhere else...#Potatin'Rules)
HUNGRY….we went and
got the truck and found a lovely little picnic area. Ate.
Lou: “WTF was that?
What is happening right now in the water. This canoe is spinning in circles.”
Anna: “Domestic
Disturbance in the canoe.”
Lou: “There is water
flailing EVERYWHERE. He’s paddling one way ferociously, she’s paddling the
other way.”
(All the while, you
hear them yelling at each other. You can also see the guy that acted a fool
while oaring bailing water out of said canoe.)
Heather: “WHERE? I
can’t see it! I’m missing it!” (#SorryBoutYourLuck)
Lou: “Right there!
But, now they are behind the tree, so, sorry, you can’t see it.”
Heather: “I always
miss the good stuff.”
We continued to eat
our lunch and have wonderful conversation, when, Oh Lord, here they come again.
Lou: “Is that an
INFLATABLE canoe?”
Anna: (Laughing
hysterically.) “Yep.” (#HystericalLaughter #Can'tBreathe)
Lou: “WTH? Now he’s
done jumped in the water! He can’t swim any better than he can oar. Water still
flailing all over the place.”
Anna: “Now they are
gonna get out of the canoe, and he is gonna deflate it and whip her with it.”
ALL of us laughing
hysterically. We were eating dessert, and
Anna says: “What’s in
these cookies?”
Heather: “Your Mom.” (I cannot begin to
tell you how funny this was. #HeatherNotInnocent)
We managed to finish
eating and drove aimlessly around Elizabeth City (all the while Anna shouting
"Turn here, LEFT, not RIGHT, LEFT!" Again, I say, "Worst
NAVIGATOR in the WORLD!") (This is just downright abuse. #Unfair #Wrong) until we decided there wasn’t SHIT to do here
and headed back the way we came. During this drive the conversation went a
little something like this:
Lou: “Hey Heather, I
love your zombie apocalypse idea about the treadmills. GENIUS.”
Heather: “Yeah, I
thought so too.”
Lou: “I’m gonna need
the plans for those non-powered treadmills that you are building.”
Heather: “Fuck that!
I’m buying solar powered ones.”
Anna: “Fallout
shelter.”
Lou: “WHAT? Where? How
do you know this?”
Anna: “See that symbol
on the building, that means it’s a fallout shelter. Way back in the day when
nuclear attacks were a real threat, they built these things called fallout
shelters.” (#UselessMidwesternFactoid #WillAppreciateLater)
Lou: “Way back in the
day? Have you not listened to the news at all? North Korea ring any bells?”
Anna: “What news?”
Heather: “OMG, do you
live under a rock?!” (Shut Up, Heather. #Meanie)
Anna: “No, pretty sure
I don’t.” (Actually, I might.)
Lou: “Hey,
encyclopedia of useless knowledge, all you need to know is that way back in the
day North Korea was a bunch of MF’ers, and they still are. So, if anyone asks
you what you think about the situation with North Korea, all you say is ‘Their
all a bunch of MF’ers.’.”
Anna: “Got it!” (I am STILL laughing
about this conversation. #StupidNorthKorea)
Coming up on crazy big
chairs. Stop at gas station to make Heather sit in crazy big chair and get her
picture taken. Anna and I refuse to climb into crazy big chair for fear of
having to roll out of crazy big chair and injure ourselves. Picture taken. Trip
continuing.
(#GoodSport)
Head to Kitty Hawk,
NC.
Lou: “Look! We are in
Sligo! It’s a place!”
Anna: “Where the hell
were you way the fuck back there when I said: ‘Sligo…S L I G O….Sligo’?”
Lou: “I thought you
said it was a sign. I didn’t realize you were talking about a PLACE.”
Anna: “Whatever Lou!
Yes you did. You just don’t listen to me. WTFever.”
Lou: “Clearly your
pain meds are messing with your brain right now.”
Anna: “SHUT UP…Lou…..” (This is especially
funny when you consider that we had already HAD this conversation once.
#BlameAnnasMedications)
At this point it is
PAINFULLY obvious that all 3 of us have some form of ADD and should all be
medicated. (#AlreadyMedicated)
Moving forward, the
conversation changed to political.
Anna: “Oh GAWD…are we
doing the political thing now?”
Lou: “Yes. All I am
saying is I’m voting for Kermit the Frog.” (#WriteInVote)
Heather: “Kermit the
Frog? Is that really what you just said?” (#BelieveItSister)
Lou: “Yes, and I’ll
tell you why. He is a battered man. He will do whatever I tell him to do.” (Battered man? He's a
FROG. What? #Confused)
Heather: “Yeah,
because he’s a MUPPET. You will have your hand shoved up his ass!”
Anna: “Lou is a freak
and likes to stick her hand up Muppet's asses.”
Lou: “AHH!”
Continuing our journey
into Kitty Hawk.
Heather: “Big chairs
are the thing here. Like we have dolphins and mermaids on sticks.”
Anna & Lou:
“BAHAHAHAHA”
See random low-rider
toaster car. Heather commences in having a duck because it says “Team Shady”.
(#WeAreTeamShadyPotatoes)
Passing by all the
little roadside shops, we come to this one place “Brewery, Butchery and Pub”.
Anna: “I want to live
there.”
Lou: “Really? You want
to live in a place that brews beer, slaughters livestock and then makes pub
food?”
Anna: “Yep, pretty
much.”
Heather: “That’s
disturbing.” (#JustJealous)
Passing by a Lowes,
the encyclopedia of useless knowledge decides to inform us that Lowes and
Walmart are owned by the same people.
Lou: "Really? I
never knew that."
Heather: "Not
really sure when we would ever need to know that."
Anna: "ONE DAY,
when your ass is on JEOPARDY, and it's the FINAL JEOPARDY question, you won't
remember it, and I'll have to turn off my TV because I KNOW I told you the
answer to that."
Heather:
"Ok." (And I will throw things at you as well. #SoThere #SomedayYou'llThankMe)
We arrived at the
Wright Brother’s Memorial Park and much to our surprise it was Great Outdoors
Day! WOO HOO! Commence into park for FREE.
Go snap some pictures
of the actual memorial. (Memorial on top of BIG hill. H and I decide that even if they
were giving away free Krispy Kreme doughnuts at the top..it wouldn't be worth
the trip up.) Take some pics of the planes. Heather and Anna
made fun of me for my obsessive taking pictures of the sky for those 2 shots of
the bird flying.
Heather: “What are you
doing?!”
Lou: “Trying to get
this stupid bird that’s flying.”
Heather: “Your mouth
is hanging open and everything.” (#CatchingFlies)
Lou: “Thanks for
making fun of me. You will be jealous when you see the awesome picture of the
flying fucking bird that I have on my camera.”
Anna: “Whatever, you
didn’t get any flying bird picture.”
PROOF:
SUCK IT ANNA! Just
kidding. I love you. (Was it worth it? Really? #LoveYouToo)
Heading back home to
take pictures of prom for my cousin.
“Upscale Furniture
Resale”
Lou: “Really? People
gonna go get some upscale furniture from the re-sale store.”
Heather: “Your mom is
upscale.” (#HeatherIsFour)
Anna: “Did she really
just say ‘Your mom is upscale.’?”
Lou: “Yeah, she did.” (There was laughing
here. We are adolescents.)
Man hitch-hiking on
the side of the road wearing a hoodied windbreaker. It’s 8 gagillion degrees
outside. WTF? Why?
Lou: “Why is that man
hitch-hiking wearing a windbreaker?”
Anna: “To hide the
hatchet. DUH.” (#DUH)
Lou: “Oh, ok.”
Anna: “He would
totally kill you last. Because you have red hair. He likes red hair.”
Lou: “Good to know.”
Heather: “He will eat
all your beef jerky.”
Lou: “The fuck you
say! He’s got two dead bodies in the bed of the truck. He can make all the
fuckin’ jerky he wants. He’s NOT getting mine!”
Anna: “YEAH! He could
eat jerky from me forever!” (#ALittleChewy)
Continuing driving and
conversing.
Heather: “We have been
potatin’ the fuck outta this place!” (For real. North Carolina doesn't know what hit
them. #Potatin'Bitches)
Passing by the hammock
store.
Anna: “Did you see the
size of that hammock?”
Lou: “I missed it.”
Heather: “Me too.” (Do you people not PAY
ATTENTION?)
Anna: “It was fucking
HUGE. Like big enough to fit me, you and you in it!” (#AndThenSome #PlusHatchetHitchhiker)
Lou: “It was a family
hammock. You know, a fammock.”
Anna: “HaHa! Fammock,
I love it.”
Lou: “This is like
Ocean View, but classier. Kitty Hawk is classier than Ocean View.” (I LIVE in OV.
#WTF #NoGunsAllowed)
Started across the
Wright Memorial Bridge.
Heather: “WOO HOO!
It’s bouncy! I love this!”
Anna: “Oh no….Oh no….I
don’t like this. Turn around.” (NOT thrilled with this turn of events.
This ceases be funny about right now. Unless you are L or H...they are having a
ball. Like this is a fucking carnival ride!! #BitchesTryinToKillMe)
Lou: “Turn around
WHERE? We are on a BRIDGE!”
Anna: “Make it stop!”
Lou: “I can’t.”
Heather: “Are you
really freaked out? Cuz this is fun!” (No longer friends. #Frenemies)
Anna: “Yeah, I might
throw up.”
Lou: “Take your
fucking phenergan! Do NOT puke in my truck!”
Heather: “I will
totally shove your head out the window dude.”
Anna: “Trampoline
fucking bridge. I hate you.”
Lou & Heather:
(Laughing hysterically at poor Anna all sick and puny.) (Luckily I know how to
chew my way out of a restraint. So take that Bitches. I will be treading water
while you are drowning. #NotSavingYou #NoTime)
Anna: “Heather talks
shit. Constantly.” (#TruthHurts)
Lou: “There go the
meds again.”
Finally get back into
Virginia even though we almost DIED because they are doing construction on the
road that we wanted to take, so it was CLOSED. WTF? Who closes the only road
that leads out of the OBX without having to pay the toll? GREEDY
BASTARDS.
Anna and Heather:
(Shit talking about the toll lady, not sure what all was said or where it came
from, because, let’s be honest…I was driving and talking to the toll lady.) (H wants to know why
toll lady jacked the price all up on us. A says "Yeah..Toll lady did it.
All her fault. Doop Doop (button pushing sound)...6 Bucks. That'll show
'em.")
Heather: “I will
totally Anthrax her. Anthrax is under-rated.” (#FBITarget)
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
FILLS TRUCK.
We make it to where
Chelsea is meeting her friends for prom. After a LOT of waiting, I got in
there, got my shots and we headed back to Heather’s house to drop her off.
All in all, the day
was a shining success, and we all had a blast (at least I hope we all had a
blast!). (I had a blast. Thanks ladies.)
Hope you were able to
follow my crazy ramblings. I also hope you got some good laughs in there as
well. Anna and I are always saying “People just don’t think we are as funny as
we do.” WHATEVER. Haters. (#Potain'Hatin')
You should make sure
to check out Anna's blog HERE.
Not sure if Heather will blog or not, but when and if she does, I will link it
here. (This line is
completely unnecessary here. Please disregard. #Ignore)
There you have it. The best roadtrip EVER! Thanks Lou and Heather for tagging along. And thanks Lou for letting me steal your blog post!
