Truth..

I realize that I have been away for a LONG time. I promise to fix that very soon. But I briefly wanted to leave you with a little something I stumbled upon today. And I wanted to thank those of you who have lessened my burdens, who have pushed pulled dragged and carried me through, and who have loved me when I didn't deserve to be loved. You know who you are.

I am so very thankful that God knows who and what I need. Even if I sometimes don't.

XOX

Mayhem, Madness, and Lou...

This was the year. The year that I decided to do my Christmas shopping on Black Friday. The year that I became one of  "those" people. The year that I turned the corner from 'slightly crazy in a fun way' to 'completely crazy in a crazy way'. This was the year.
So my very funnest, most experienced, slightly neurotic chum Lou and I set out on a shopping experience of epic proportions. Fifteen some hours later...let me tell you some shit. My friends...I present to you...Black Friday-The Unedited Edition.

8 P.M. Thursday: Toys-R-Us. For real. You crazy ass bitches are lined up around the block and the doors don't open until 9. I am waiting comfortably in the passenger seat laughing at your stupid selves. And then...here comes idiot number 1. This woman gets out of her truck and straps a little bitty baby on her chest...are you for real? You leave that baby at home while you do this shit. Clearly you are retarded. Sure enough....2 minutes later, lady and baby come back to truck. That's what I thought. You know what stupid bitches...you should all just go home. Keep your money...we in a recession. It is decided...you crazy mother fuckers can HAVE the shit...I don't need anything in there so bad that I am waiting in line for it. Outta Here!

10 P.M. Thursday: WalMart. What the Holy Hell? First let me state that my list is small. I am small. And meek. And scared as fuck. Crazy got nothing on these bastards. And really?...bath towels are on sale for 1.87...they are 2.00 normally. Must we pile nineteen gazillion in our carts, thus rendering the rest of us...as they say...shit outta luck.? And don't even get me started on the 2 slice waffle maker for 2.84. Hey everyone out there (other than MY friends and family...) you are getting a waffle maker for Christmas. And your cheap ass relatives only paid 2.84 for it. I know this because Mr. Douchebag informed me that the 25 he had in his cart were the VERY LAST 25 in the entire store. REALLY? Here's 3 bucks....how bout you give me one? So..no waffle maker...on to item 2....looking everywhere...stupid WalMart...WAIT! There they are....cue Lou and her Super Stealthy Ninja moves. Last 2? Yeah...I think I WILL take them. Oh...YOU wanted one? OK...but I licked all over this fucker. Yeah...I didn't think so. I'm done...get in line. Thirty minutes (and one 9.00 blender) later, it is revealed that we are..in fact...NOT in the check out line. What the fuck have we been waiting for for thirty minutes? Crickets. Check out...go.

1130 P.M. Thursday: Target. Again with the lines. Again with the sitting in the car. Waiting. Waiting. Wait...WHAT? Please tell me that the crippled woman walking past me on one crutch is not SERIOUSLY planning on entering that store with that mob of people. They are gonna run her over, kick her in the face, and then finish beating her to death with her own crutch. All I can think of is a blind deaf mute dumbass running with the bulls in Pamploma. Although when I finally went in myself...I didn't see any blood on the floor. So I am left to assume that she made it out alive. Good for her. Hey...crazy ass 60 year old lady...next time leave the Sonic the Hedgehog hat at home. Only a few people can pull off that look. Heard from Lou: "We gotta go to the bananas." "What?" "Bananas." "What?" "Ba. Nan. As."...use Super Secret Ninja skills un-necessarily. Nine million and four of needed items stacked ever so neatly on floor in front of...the bananas. Oh and see that skanky looking ho in the pink sweatshirt? She's my ex room mate. (Lou..not me) Employ stealth maneuvers to avoid possibly toxic interaction. Check out...next!

1 A.M. (ish) Friday: Parking Lot. Hungry and in need of caffeine. Random driving. IHOP. Not open. Bastards. More driving. Dunkin Donuts. OPEN! Pull on door. Locked. Read sign. Drive thru only. Drive thru..order coffee and bagel. Wait for workers to fly to Columbia, grow beans, harvest, grind, and brew. Get food. Have to pee. Random driving to find bathroom.

2 A.M. Friday: Walgreens. Success. Bathroom break. Weird ass manager has to open bathroom door using top secret code from the Pentagon. Bladder evacuation completed, we decide to scope out the sale items that we will be purchasing at a later time in the day (sale starts at 7.). Weird ass manager sells us said items at sale price...and follows us around store...and in general makes himself a creeper. Purchase complete, we wait in parking lot eating bagels and drinking coffee until time to go to next stop.

330 A.M. Friday: JCPenneys. Pull into parking lot. Store supposed to open at 4. People roaming inside. Lou pissed because we missed opening. Get to door. Find out JUST opened. Lou does not feel bad about cussing store. Get free ornament. Ask where item is located. Find item quickly. Get 2. Go immediately to check out. Pay. Gone.

4 A.M. Friday: Mall. Go to Bath and Body Works. Lou makes AMAZING purchase and gets a shit ton of free crap. Anna is jealous. JELLO. For serious. Leave store and go to Old Navy. Take sit down break outside entrance. See Skanky Ex Room mate inside. Determine she must be stalking us. Opt out of confrontation and possible shanking. Leave mall.

5 A.M. Friday: Michaels. Go to location in ritzy neighborhood. Utopia. Deduct that all the rich bitches are at home sleeping because they can pay full price for their shit. Scope out sale items. Discover Penguin Hat of Awesomeness. Model hat for Lou and other cool cat customers. Party atmosphere all up in the aisle. Decide that hat must be purchased. Lou needs one too. Finish shopping after scouring every last inch of store. Choose check out line Woman in front of me is purchasing 9 gazillion wreaths. And 18 bazillion stick like things. Makes no attempt to hurry the fuck up. Choose different line. Woman in front of me is purchasing 8
mazillion canvases. Purchases all 8 mazillion. Doesn't like price AFTER paying. Haggles with unsuspecting cashier. RETURNS all 8 mazillion. RE BUYS all 8 mazillion at sale price. Goes on the "list" Choose another line. Have small SNAFU with credit card. Lou fixes problem. Leave store as the sun is rising. Retinas begin burning. Pull out of lot just as canvas lady is leaving store. Briefly consider vehicular homicide.

630 A.M Friday: Office Max. Way too early in the morning and 12 hours of shopping and we get Amethyst as our sales girl. How about you Shut The Fuck Up? You are way too fucking pleasant for this hour of day. Lou buys camera. Not camera intended to buy...but we confer and after considering my professional advice she seems pleased with purchase. Amethyst still fucking talking.

730 A.M Friday: Starbucks. Heaven!! Order coffee. Find comfortable bench. Prop feet up on chair. Check Facebook. Boring. Spend the next 30 minutes discussing...LOUDLY...stupid people and shit we've seen. Language moves from acceptable to inappropriate. Determine that twelve plus hours with Lou makes for legitimate relationship.  Mood lifted. Body caffeinated.

8 A.M. Friday: Rite Aid. Go to first store. Closed. Go to second location. Lou is in crack heaven. Go on mission to locate items. Stop to check blood pressure. High. Blame Starbucks. Sort through bin of fuzzy socks.

9 A.M. Friday: K Mart. Go immediately to toy department. Locate first item. Too high on shelf. Ask for help. Very nice associate retrieves it for Lou. Ask location of second item. Do not see item on designated shelf. Anna employs Super Secret Ninja mode and finds item hiding behind other items. Tricksy bastard. Pay.

930 A.M. Friday: AC Moore. Craft hell. Find Snoozies. Funky ass slippers made of joy. Buy 2 pairs (one for me and one for Lou.) Decide tired cranky feet will thank us later. Wait in line at register area. Make fun of ugly mistletoe prisms. Talk to cute young girl in front of us buying sewing machine in order to make her own socks. Decide that she is a loser with no life and no prospects for getting laid. Comment on fact that hems of my black pants are covered with glitter and I am uncomfortable with that.

11 A.M. Friday: Game Stop. Lou needs games for new Xbox for her and children. Pick out options. Make decision. Put purchase in back of van and realize that shopping bags exceed space allotted. Time to go home.

1145 A.M. Friday: Home. Banish child to nether regions of house. Unload purchases from car. Hug Lou. Put on Penguin Hat of Awesomeness and Snoozies. Commence snoring.


SHEW! I am sure that I missed some of the finer points of our shopping excursion. But as you can very plainly see...there was never a dull moment. You will be pleased to know that I am almost completely finished with my shopping this year. Yay me! And just for the record...I saved almost 300 dollars on my purchases.
So...thanks Lou for the adventure!! And just to be clear...I am still wearing the hat and the funky ass slippers.


XOX

Feeling Thankful...

Today was a downright CRAZY day. Let's see...housecleaning, Thanksgiving dinner preparations, grocery shopping, Black Friday store mapping, visiting an old friend in the hospital...OH...and I ran off and got MARRIED! I think the shock of it all hasn't worn off yet...check back with me in a few days!
In all seriousness, today I am feeling very grateful, very thankful, and very blessed by the wonderful people that I have in my life. People that have me, that hold me, that comfort me, that support me, that love me, that carry me, and that keep me. My heart is full tonight.

Saying lots of extra prayers tonight! Blessings abound...blessings to give away!
So much love!

XOX

Time..

Once upon a time.
Since the beginning of time, we've tried to understand her nature. Why? Because we want to control her..like we want to control everything else in our lives. What we have to learn is that she is an extravagant gift..meant to be experienced, not understood. And certainly not controlled. Why do you think we're half crazed all the time?
This mysterious gift is difficult for must of us to appreciate because we have so little of it. Although we are all allotted the same 24 hours each day, we can never seem to stretch it enough. And it doesn't seem to go very far anyway. So what we experience is dread...because we know we are going to run out. Probably before we are done. Again and again. Over and over. And it doesn't even matter what kind of time it is...Greenwich, daylight savings, standard, eastern, mountain, central, pacific, island. All that matters is that we don't have enough.
For centuries, those with time on their hands...saints, poets, mystics, masters, sages, and philosophers...have pondered times enigma. They have discovered her duality. The ancient Greeks called this chronos and kairos.
Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules. Chronos is time at her very worst. Chronos keeps track. Chronos is a delusion of grandeur. In chronos we think only of ourselves. Chronos is the worlds time.
Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love. Kairos is intimacy. Kairos is time at her best. Kairos lets go. In kairos we escape.
We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That's our duality. Chronos requires speed so that it won't be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we are allowed to be.
Most of us think we have never known kairos..but we have. When making love. When praying. When lost in music or literature. When planting seeds or pulling weeds. When watching over a sleeping child. When reading the Sunday paper together in bed. When experiencing a sunset. We know joy in kairos, glimpse beauty in kairos, remember what it means to be alive in kairos, reconnect with ourselves in kairos.
So how do we exchange chronos for kairos? By slowing down. By concentrating on one thing at a time. By going about whatever we are doing as if it was the only thing worth doing at that moment. By pretending that we have all the time in the world..kicking our subconscious into believing it. By making time. By taking time.
It only takes a moment to cross over from chronos to kairos. But it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to catch up.
Today, be willing to stop time.
Oh...and don't forget to change your clocks on Sunday!

XOX

Knots..

Amen.
Working on untying some knots this month. Do you have some?

XOX

Lessening Stress..

*Apologies for my last post. It was a tad dark and gloomy...I'm in a mood and I took it out here. So let's try today to focus on the positives...let's examine the nicer side of my personality. Forget everything you've previously read about me....continue...*

Is there a woman alive who doesn't suffer from stress? Yeah, I didn't think so. But if there IS...find her, make her tell you her secrets, beat it out of her if you must. Whatever works for you! OK..violence might not be the best solution. So let me offer this...I have spent the better part of this year dealing with an ABNORMAL amount of stress. For serious. Weird, unrelenting, imaginary, real, difficult, miserable, crazy stress. I've had more than my fair share. And I'm stubborn...but I do eventually learn. So in lieu of imaginary no stress lady..I'd like to offer the following suggestions (most of which I have learned the hard way and struggle with..daily..):

• Cultivate gratitude. Be thankful. (We do 'Thankful Conversations' around the dinner table every night.) 
• Take an hour a day to indulge in solitude. (It's so hard...I know...but it's important.)
• Begin and end each day with prayer, meditation, and reflection. 
• Keep it simple. And by 'it' I mean everything. (Life is not a race..or a competition, people.)
• Keep your house picked up. (I personally fail at this alot. But we all know that we feel better when our house is tidy. Order begets order.)
• Don't over schedule, overextend, or overdo. (Chill out...relax..we all have the same 24 hours in a day.)
• Strive for realistic deadlines. (Rome wasn't built in a day.)
• Never ever make a promise you can't, or won't, keep. (Especially to yourself.)
• Allow an extra half hour for everything you do. (This one seems a little unrealistic..but shit happens and we get behind and then we get frustrated. Bring on the stress.)
• Create quiet surroundings at home..and at work.
• Go to bed at nine o'clock twice a week. (Sleep is rejuvenating. Indulge a little.)
• Always carry something interesting to read. (Gossip Rags, NYT Bestseller, your kids geometry book, The Bible. Whatever floats your boat.)
• Breathe...deeply. And often.
• Move...walk, dance, run, swim. Whatever you enjoy.
• Drink water. Lots of it. (After you've had your coffee of course.)
• Eat only when you are hungry. (No more standing in front of an open door fridge at midnight.)
• If it's not delicious, don't eat it. (Enjoy what you consume. Take time to savor it.)
• Be instead of do.
• Set aside one day a week for rest and renewal. (Even God took a day off. So can you.)
• Laugh. Out loud. Often. (Laughing with others is better.)
• Always opt for comfort. (There's a place for LBD's and stilettos. Go with the sweats.)
• If you don't love it, live without it. (Especially true for people. Learn to let go.)
• Let Mother Nature nurture. (She's good at it.)
• Don't answer the telephone during dinner. (Don't text either. And turn off the T.V.)
• Stop trying to please everybody. (You can't.)
• Start pleasing yourself. (You can.)
• Stay away from negative people. (And try to limit your own negativity.)
• Don't squander precious resources: time, creative energy, emotion.
• Nurture and cultivate friendships. (Healthy ones.)
• Don't be afraid of your passion.
• Approach problems as challenges. (Overcome them.)
• Honor your dreams. (Happiness is found when you are doing what you love.)
• Set achievable goals.
• Surrender expectations. (This is the big one. Expectations breed disappointments and resentments.)
• Savor beauty. (Especially yours.)
• Create boundaries. 
• For every 'yes'..let there be a 'no'.
• Don't worry; be happy. (Now you're singing...it's OK to admit it.)
• Exchange security for serenity. 
• Care for your soul. 
• Cherish your suffering. (Learn from it.)
• Express love every day. Every. Single. Day.
• Show kindness.
• Search for authenticity.

Remember, happiness is a living emotion. Will you wake up one day stress free? Probably not. But you can learn..as I have..to slow down and begin living. And you will notice change. I promise.

XOX

I Quit..

There are days that beat me up. There are weeks that drag me, kicking and screaming, through the brambles. There are months that leave me lost..and confused..and broken. It happens...it happens because I am alive...because I care...because I open my heart and soul to the world.
TODAY I QUIT.

I quit...
Thinking things might ever change.
Trying to keep in touch with friends and family.
Dieting.
Being OCD about the cleanliness of my home.
Getting my hair cut. (Random..but still I quit.)
Being nice to undeserving people.
Cooking.
Being excited about decorating the house for the holidays.
Obsessing over my photography.
Saying yes to everything.
Worrying about what people think.
Believing people are good. Some people are just bitches. Feeling sorry for them, praying for them, worrying about them won't help anything or change who they are.
Trying to please everyone.
Using my filter or being politically correct. If you can't handle me, you shouldn't be around me.
Pretending I am ever going to be any different. Or better.

Things I WANT to quit...
Obsessing about finances. I am never going to be independently wealthy.
Worrying about my health. Death finds us all eventually.
Letting stupid random bullshit affect and upset me.
Giving crazy bitter angry people space in my life, my head, my thoughts, or my heart.
Staying up late when I should be sleeping with my boyfriend.
Making excuses.

Change happens when we least expect it...but there isn't any reason why I can't give it a little *shove* in the right direction. Commence shoving.

XOX

Fall-y Fall Fall Fall..

My favorite time of year! And quite honestly...Fall has been uber kind to us this year! There has been an abundance of blessings, beautiful weather, great friends and family, and new beginnings! And because Fall would not be complete without a trip to the local Farmers Market...

And Oh My Goodness...the veggies were Yummy!!! The pumpkins and mums are all nestled decoratively on my front stoop (thanks to Smalls creative effort!), the evening air is getting that crisp snap, and I am enjoying the sounds and smells and views from my deck. Life is good.

XOX

Freedom..

According to the Buddha's teachings, the most basic condition for happiness is freedom. Not political freedom, but freedom from the mental poisons of anger, despair, jealousy, and delusion. As long as these poisons are allowed to form in our minds and grow in our hearts, happiness cannot be possible. He suggests that if we learn to take good care of our own suffering, we can help others to do the same. That, he claims, is the path to true happiness.
So let it go...all of it. I promise it won't be easy..it won't be fun..it won't be painless. I promise. But it will be worth it. Strength, clarity, compassion, forgiveness, truth, grace, love, mercy, happiness, passion, contentment, possibility. Charity in your heart. ALL WORTH IT. I know. I know this because I'm right there..making the journey..learning to accept and release my sufferings, learning to take good care of myself..and my heart..and my failures, learning to open up to the freedom that is possible. I'm right there. Every day, every moment, every step.

XOX

Today..

Thank you Lord. Amen.

XOX

Housewife Redefined..

I got the best email the other day...and it got me thinking. Well first it made me laugh...then it made me mad...then it made me laugh again..and THEN it got me thinking. And I decided that not only did I need to share it with you...I needed to dissect it and discuss it...at length.
We all know that I am doing my very best to convince you him her them myself that I am a stay at home mommy housewife. Most of the time I am pretty good at it....except when it sucks. And let's be honest...it sucks alot. Most of the time. But still...I'm good at it. Pretty much. Here is the dilemma...this isn't 1950...and I sure as Hell ain't June Cleaver. Unless ole Junie is a tattooed, foul mouthed, uncrafty, wine drinking type of gal. Don't go getting me wrong...I'd LOVE to be one of those apron toting, pearl wearing, cake baking, PTA chair mommy, mitten knitting, bless your heart cutesy wifeys. But I'm so NOT.
So here is the email...The 1950's Guide To Being A Good Wife. Oh Hell Yes....

1950’s Guide to Being a Good Wife

From Housekeeper Monthly 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. (Plan and cook dinner you say? Sure thing. Nothing says "I've been thinking about you and am concerned about your needs" like a plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.)

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (Work weary people you say? I've just prepared you a lovely non lethal dinner. But let me take the time to not look sweaty, and tired, and hungover and bored. A ribbon and some make-up? How about a clean shirt and some deodorant?)

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (One of my duties you say? Because I don't have enough to do. Let me be more interesting for you. How about you just stare at my boobs and we call it a day? And isn't my ribbon gay?)

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the house just before your husband arrives. (Clear away the clutter you say? Well shit...I might as well just clean the house. Oh but look...I have a ribbon in my hair.)

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (Gather and dust you say? So we're back to the cleaning? But..all this cleaning is messing up my pretty ribbon.)

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (Light a fire you say? In all my cleaning and ribbon tying I have probably burnt dinner and the fire is coming from the kitchen. Chinese take out provides me with immense personal satisfaction. How does my ribbon look?)

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.  They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (Prepare the children you say? "Hey Heathens...your father is on his way home so shut the fuck up! I'm encouraging it! Please don't make me choke you out with my ribbon.")

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (Greet him with a smile and a desire to please you say? Eat your fucking dinner and then warmly and sincerely rub one out in the shower. Here..use this ribbon.)

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember his topics of conversation are more important that yours. (Listen to him you say? I'll listen to his immensely important topics of conversation..right up until I slit my wrists with a butcher knife. Shit..did I get blood on my ribbon?)

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (Make the evening his you say? I've spent all day cooking and cleaning and beating children and putting on fucking makeup..no..please..go out to the strip club. I hope you get herpes. Stop looking at my ribbon.)

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (Peace, order and tranquility you say? Well...it WAS..until HE came home. With his herpes. I've got a renewal for you. Bastard. Stupid fucking ribbon.)

Don't greet him with complaints and problems. (Don't greet him with complaints you say? How about divorce papers?)

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (Don't complain you say? He stays out all night with his stripper whore...damn straight that was the minor part of his day!)

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (Make him comfortable you say? Here Darling..I fixed you a lovely Drano Martini. Now lie back and relax until you choke on your own vomit.)

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (Arrange his pillow you say? How about right over his face?)

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. (Master of the house you say? We will see about that.)

A good wife always knows her place. (Knows her place you say? Yep. Standing over his dead carcass.)

Anybody think I should get a job outside the house? Nope? I didn't think so. I'm so committed to this 1950's housewife gig. I've been picking out ribbons all day!

XOX

Remember Calm..Reduce Chaos..

Some days are shaped by simple pleasures..others are redeemed by them. Today (especially today as I notice it's raining outside) I think back on such days- beautiful summer days at the beach- days shaped by joy and simplicity. An afternoon in the sand with my family, irresistible reading, wonderful music in my ears, laughing as the waves lap at my ankles and bury my feet further into the cool sand. Then back to my comforting home, a refreshing shower, a cocktail, conversation and cooking, an abundance of delicious food, laughter and loved ones. And then to bed...happy and content.
An Irish proverb tells us "Better one good thing that is, rather than two good things that were, or three good things that might never come to pass." On those days there was no need to glance longingly at the past or project anxiously into the future...because the present was fully lived, abundantly enjoyed, and completely calming. Those days were rich with one good thing after another until the day..and the goodness...literally overflowed.
But, unfortunately, not all my days are beach retreats full of serenity. Sometimes there are battles...both real and imagined, created hurts, mental and physical exhaustion...that send my day careening out of control. My heartbeat is accelerated, my coping strategies confusing, my well laid plans kaput. On these days I realize I have three choices before me, but only one real life solution: scream at the top of my lungs, retreat to the bathroom, or take a deep breath and redeem the day with Plan B.
Since the primary role of Stay At Home Mom is not to do anything that might alarm children or confuse pets, clearly screaming is out. And since it's really neither feasible or sanitary to drown yourself in blue toilet water (not that I would have enough privacy to do so), the bathroom is out as well. So...I pour myself a cup of coffee and recall the Hasidic prayer, 'I know the Lord will help..but help me Lord, until You help.' The reality is that today will only be as hard as I make it. Or as easy. There is nothing I can do about right now but accept it and get it over with. I remind myself that it is always my choice. I don't have to LIKE whatever life throws at me, but I can certainly catch the ball. After all, winning the game of life is not how well we execute Plan A...it's that we employ and cope with Plan B. And that we have one.
So I consider Plan B...redeem the day with familiar comforts, relaxing rituals, and faith and family. I take my coffee to the front porch and sip it while I watch the rain. I play with the puppies. I study cookbooks and decide on something new for dinner. I pick a movie to snuggle up and watch with the family before bed. I decide to bake a cake for dessert. I clean the kitchen. I spend the day focusing on the one good before me that is, rather than the two that were, or the three that obviously will not happen today.
My day stretches before me. Not as I had hoped...but, thank goodness, not beyond redemption. Tomorrow is, after all, another day. And there is always the beach.

XOX

Panic At The Disco..

Because I don't want to incite mass hysteria, I thought you should know that I won't be blogging for a few days. There is crazy shit going on here.
Don't be all worry worry about me...but I do ask that you keep my family in your thoughts. And if you are the praying type..a few of those couldn't hurt either! Know that I love you all...and appreciate whatever you got to share!!
Here's what I am praying...."Dear Lord, Please give him strength to face his fears, wisdom to distinguish fact from fiction, foresight to follow his heart, protection from harm and heartbreak, and security to weather stormy seas and rising tides. Please keep watch over my child and my mother. Please guide our path in all things and provide safe travels. Please hold my heart and mend the pieces. Please shower us with comfort, surround us with calm, and provide us with peace. Please grant us healing mercies. Amen."
I leave with heavy heart and burdened soul. But I release the chaos and welcome control. (Holy Crickets..that's all poetic!)
Here's hoping for welcome change.
See you on the flip side!

XOX

Thoughts For Today...

Today I reflect and remember, as do many of you, the events of the past. I remember rocking my baby to sleep and crying as I prayed for my country. I wept as I tried to imagine the future my sweet child would face. How could I ever explain evil and hatred to her heart? Why would I want to?
So here I sit, 10 years later. Much has happened since that day...I have changed, my country has changed, the world has changed. We have learned the lessons...Peace is never achieved without struggle. Freedom is never attained without sacrifice. Faith is never acknowledged without suffering. I mourn for those lost. I hope for those left behind. And I pray for those that continue the fight.
Our country and our people will never be the same...I will never be the same. We may never forget.
But I hope that we may learn to forgive. For that is what makes us truly great. That is what makes us powerful. That is what keeps us united. And THAT is the only way that we may ever heal. We can continue to look backwards..we can continue to stand still...we can continue to mourn. Or we can look ahead...take a step of faith..and love. Love everyone. Love without fear. Love without conditions.
We stand together and we fall together. Let us choose to stand...taller, stronger, wiser. Better.
Remember. Reflect. Release. Repair. Renew. Recover. Rejoice.

May God bless who we were, who we are, and who we can become.

XOX

Psychosis In An Apron..

So here I sit..11 PM on Friday. Tomorrow I am hosting a baby shower for 40..YES 40!..guests. Not including myself and the preggers. WHAT? And not only am I hosting the damn thing...I'm providing all the food. Yes....because evidently I had a moment...evidently I have a weakness...evidently I am all kinds of that crazy.
Now..we all know that crazy people plan the best parties and that I have mad kitchen skills. I am Betty Fucking Crocker. Never mind that when I put the apron on my daughter runs screaming from the house and my boyfriend flat out ignores me and retreats to the upstairs. They have learned. They know that what is about to ensue will be traumatic, messy, dysfunctional, and quite possibly painful. They know that I will become a mad fucking crazy emotional trainwreck of OCD. I will revert to domestic fucking dictator. I will swear. I will break something. I will probably throw said something first. I will over cook, over bake, and over feed. I will stuff our kitchen with edibles..that  no one is allowed to look at...let alone eat.
There is right now...4 double batches of Spinach Pasta Salad, 2 batches of Fruit Dip, 2 batches of Mustard Pretzel Dip, 5 loaves of French Bread, 2 pounds of homemade Garlic Dill Butter, and platter upon heaping platter of fresh fruit. Not to mention the freezer full of Punch. This is..quite literally..enough to feed 2 small armies and a gaggle of children. I don't know what is wrong with me....except that I am utterly exhausted.
Oh and I forgot to mention the entire day that I spent CRAFTING the baby gift. Jesus Crickets...I remember why I DON'T craft. Not only am I not good at it...it ceases to be enjoyable for me after about the first 15 days hours minutes seconds. Quick question for all you Crafty Craftersons out there...Do you still have fingerprints? Because I'm pretty sure I cut, glued, and glittered mine into oblivion.
So..there you have it. I still have to make final preparations of everything tomorrow, print off the word search game thingy, wrap the gift, and decorate. Remind me again why I volunteered for this? And for those of you out there who might be considering having a baby....I will buy you the nicest bestest most amazing shit...if you promise to ask someone else to plan and execute your celebration. For serious.
If you don't hear from me by Sunday..send a search party. Make sure they know it's BYOB.

XOX

Loaves and Fishes...

Do you know the story of Jesus feeding the crowd of five thousand believers, seekers, skeptics, and curious onlookers who gathered to hear him speak and teach? At the end of the long day, as the disciples were trying to send everyone home, Jesus stepped in..these people were tired and hungry. "But we only have five loaves of bread and two fishes, barely enough for ourselves," the disciples argued. "How can we feed all these people without going hungry ourselves?" Jesus asked to be given what they had...then he looked up into Heaven, offered thanks, blessed the food, and gave it back to the disciples to distribute. As if by some miracle, after everyone had finished eating as much as they wanted, twelve baskets of leftovers remained.
I love this story because it completely illustrates the power of thankfulness, praise, and..at the root of it...having enough. The gospels of Matthew and Mark report that Jesus performed this miracle not once..but twice. On the second occasion, four thousand people were fed with seven loaves and only a few fishes. By this time, Jesus was stirring things up..and the increasingly threatened high priests were demanding more and more signs of his divinity. Jesus dismissed many of their taunts and walked away..warning his disciples to "beware of the yeast of the Pharisees" (which I think was a biblical way of saying hot air!). But, disciples being mere unbelieving men..took Jesus' warning literally, bought no local bread, and chose to eat when they arrived at the next town.
Many hours later, they found themselves crossing the lake in a boat. Because they had not eaten (due to the 'yeast' being tainted), they began complaining...asking "What will we do? How will we eat?" Jesus, clearly frustrated at their failure to fully grasp His message, began admonishing them "You of little faith..why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, or the seven loaves for the four thousand? And how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread?...Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear?"
This is great stuff because the delicious moral of the story is that the apostles just didn't get it. Miracle after miracle kept occurring right in front of them..but they didn't see what was going on. That's because they were ordinary human beings...even if their life lessons were being given by a Master. It still wasn't enough because they needed to personally experience an inner shift in reality.
The same thing happens for me. How often in my life, do I still not get it? The "it" could be any number of things...the power struggle going on in my relationship, my blossoming career undermining my self-esteem, the deterioration of my health and mental well being, the continuing legal and emotional drama that shakes our foundation, or any of the other unconscious forms of self-sabotage that have me bouncing from one self-inflicted crisis to another. The "it" doesn't really matter. Something is always happening in my life..and will continue..again and again and again..until the moment I begin to see the pattern, until the moment I start paying attention.
When I don't get it, it's usually because I can't interpret the outcome. I can't see the bigger picture. What's really happening in my outward life is somehow taking place internally in a language I don't understand. So I assume that the outward is reality (which it often times isn't), or I doom myself to keep repeating the experience until it starts to sink in and make sense. It's kind of like learning a foreign language by moving to another country. The poet Edna St. Vincent Millay put it this way.."It's not true that life is one damn thing after another-it's one damn thing over and over."
Today I would like for all the foreign languages to become native. The language of the heart is longing, the language of the mind is rationalizing, and the language of emotions is feeling. Today I would love to get it finally. To not focus on what I don't have, but to be grateful for what I do. To accept, give thanks, bless, and share. To not hoard or hold back for fear that there won't be enough. There will be. Miracles lack for nothing.
As long as I have a few loaves and fishes, and know what to do with them, all I have is all I need.

XOX

Back To Normal..

Man...I have the best readers (and friends) EVA! So happy to know that not only are all y'all reading me..but you be worrying about me as well! I have gotten more emails asking where the hell I've been..bet you never thought you would miss my sass mouth so much?!! So anyways...a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to all of you.
As fate would have it...I've just been really busy lately. WHO KNEW? Let's see...hurricane, family, end of summer, back to school. OH...and another power play of manipulation from Psycho Drama Queen. Reality just gets better and better! Let's hope and pray that this battle round marks the beginning of the end. That would be so nice....normal, quiet, easy, and NICE. Yay for nice!
The return to normalcy (also known as 'Get your ass back to school'!), unfortunately does little to free up my schedule. There is still so much going on...I am hoping to block out a good chunk of evening hours for blogging and reading. Or bitching. Or something. Anything. As long as it's fun. I already have tomorrow nights dinner prepped..I should get bonus points for that! My momma is here for the week...and we have some projects on the brain. Should be a good use of my time tomorrow. You know since I really don't want to clean the house. Or give the puppies a flea bath. Or do anything else remotely productive. So yeah..we will probably project all day.
If my feeble body cooperates, I MIGHT even leave the house! But I wouldn't hold your breath or anything.

XOX

I Learned It...

Life gives us all lessons...some big, some seemingly insignificant, some downright cruel, some just cosmically hilarious. But we learn..or we SHOULD. I certainly have. And sometimes the lessons come all at once and smack you right in the face..for example:
Number One:
I learned that Mother Nature is a meanie. A little history...I grew up in the Midwest. I am all akin to tornadoes and brutal snowstorms and maybe some occasional hail. I didn't say I liked it. So I moved. Today I live on the East Coast. I love it here. I love the beach, and the salt water, and the sunshine, and the temperate climate. Now, I understand that I can experience all of this on the left coast..but..well...they have Earthquakes. OH WAIT...
Yes...an earthshake. HERE..in my little peaceful Queendom. WHAT? Don't sweat..it was just a little rocking and rolling...but it was unsettling anyway. The dogs and I weathered it just fine..once we recovered from the shock of it all. So weird.
So..back to Mother Nature. It's been flaming like Hell hot here. I don't DO hot. Much like I don't DO cold. Mid 60s all year would suit me just fine. Meanie Mother Nature needs to crank up the fan a little. Or something. So let's review...we have tropical heat wave, earthquakes, forest/swamp fires that are smoking me out of my house....OH...and now we have a Hurricane!! Yeah...remind me again why I live here in Sim City?!
I have to be totally honest here. I've lived here awhile. I've heard rumors and tongue waggling about hurricanes in the past. I even survived the Nor'easter that blew through here a couple seasons ago. But an actual hurricane scares the beejeezes out of me. I'm hoping for an evacuation...I could use a vacation! Me and the dogs got a PLAN! The Lessons....I am not a big fan of weird natural phenomenon.....I'm a big pussy scardey cat...and in the event of a Zombie attack, I will be the first to die.
Number Two:
The saying that you can't go home...it's a lie! I just spent a glorious weekend in my hometown. More history..darling boyfriend and I grew up in the same town. We lived one block away from each other. He was my best friend in high school. I was his first love. I might be making that last part up. Anywho...we went home for his "so many years" high school reunion. As it turns out..because we were such good friends in high school, I actually am friends with many of his classmates. (Side note..HUGE thanks to the Such and Such High School Class of Something Something One for adopting me as an honorary member!!) In our hometown, reunions are held during the town festival weekend...commonly referred to as Jubilee Days. EVERYONE comes home for Jubilee Days. Even if you aren't officially celebrating a reunion year...you are likely to run into half your graduating class just strolling through town! It's a wonderful time of parades, flea markets, lemon shake ups, and late night partying. Small Midwestern Happenings!
We had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves so thoroughly that we are...drum roll please..actually considering *GASP* moving back to the little rinky dink hometown. Now we both swore we would never live there again....maybe it's the nostalgia, maybe it's the friends we left behind, maybe it's just the cheap bar tab receipt staring at me...but it's on the table. I guess we will see. The Lesson...Home is wherever you put down roots, wherever you laugh the most, and wherever the people you love are located.
Blah Blah Blah. I'm done. For now. Unless the Zombies attack tonight. Or there's a meteor shower. Or a Tsunami. Dammit...I'm so screwed.

XOX

Weekend Perfection...

When I woke this morning..way to early for a Saturday..to whiney dogs, pain in my stomach, and nausea..I was pretty sure the day had reached it's peak. Fortunately, my wonderful family had other plans! So, they treated me to a delicious breakfast at one of my favorite little mom and pops (omelets, bacon, and coffee). Then they took me to the library (I LOVE and ADORE our library..it is truly a magical place.) where I found a couple of the books on my Summer Reading List. Not content that they had reached my excitement quota...they surprised me with a trip to the local bookstore. More book bliss! YAY!
BUT WAIT! Then we headed to Target to do school supply shopping! If you don't already know this about me...I am such a sucker for school supplies! There is little that I love more than stocking a backpack and loading up my own personal work space with pens and markers and paperclips and cute notebooks. Seriously...if back to school happened more than once a year I think my heart would spontaneously explode and I would die..! And don't even get me started on how much I love the smell of brand new textbooks. I love to just crack them open and take a big whiff...right from the middle! I realize this makes me sound absurd and quite possibly a little disturbed...but, well, no sense in hiding the truth from all of you.
OH....AND we went to the Home Depot. Crickets I could spend all day in there. Today it was simply for major Mickey traps. I wanted..I tried...to be all humane about it...but these bastards are BIG. And I am having nightmares about cheese parties on my bed while I sleep. EEEKK! And since the biggest baddest dog in the house (who it turns out is nothing more than a ginormous pussy) is afraid of said Mickey...I'm not chancing it. Humane Schumane.
And as if that wasn't enough..we headed to the local "Green" Wally World for some groceries. A quick encounter with Game Stop and everyone comes home happy and completely fulfilled! And we beat the rain home...so I was able to curl up with a new book and listen to the storm. And take a nap. Oh...and the whiney puppies from this morning? Yeah still whiney...but they did get new toys today as well (a cute little brown cow named Bessie and a funny little pink pig named Hammy. These are intended to replace the lobster Butters that is missing a claw and a leg. And all his stuffing. But don't fret..they still fight over him. He's well loved! And the thought was that they would each have a new nemesis..but the little girl puppy just stole them both and hid them in her bed. Alas.)
SO...since I know you are dying to get a peek inside Bananas Bookshelf..here's what we are reading this week:

• The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I believe that the book is ALWAYS better than the movie..so before I hit the theater I have to peruse the pages.
• Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen. Again I heard that the movie was wonderful..I haven't personally seen it..but I have been anxiously awaiting reading the book.
• The Gospel According To Harry Potter by Connie Neal. Now we all know that I am Harry Fan Numero Uno..and I didn't even know about this book until I saw it today. I must admit that I am more than a little intrigued.
• The History Of Love by Nicole Krauss. I really don't know anything about this book except that I heard that it would "change my life." Since my life could use some changes...I figured it couldn't hurt right?
• Great House also by Nicole Krauss. I picked this one up only because it was on the shelf and it sounded interesting. I will keep you abreast of my opinion.

So there you have it!! A GREAT day in my little corner of the universe. Tomorrow is filled with making baby shower invitations, cleaning the kitchen, and finishing up some laundry. Hope that I can squeeze in some reading! Yeah...the dishes and laundry can totally wait.

XOX

Passion..My Muse..

Many women long to live passionate lives, to be swept away from reality. Usually from a safe distance and in small doses. That's why we are drawn to steamy novels, sobby movies, platonic flirtations, and sometimes even life changing affairs. Passion, after all, means abandoning reason for reckless pleasure...running off with the tall dark handsome playboy instead of washing dishes and cooking dinner.
Passion is wild, chaotic, unpredictable. Permissive. Excessive. Obsessive. Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Passionate women can't help but rejoice in their emotions, celebrate their desires, howl at the moon, act out their fantasies, boil a pet rabbit. It's in their blood.
The rest of us...like me...have real life responsibilities that leave little room (or so I have always thought) for giving in to passionate impulses ~ whether emotional, physical, or financial...dogs to walk, bills to pay, doctors appointments to make, supper to get on the table, households to create and run. There goes a day. There goes a life...and not with a passionate upending bang..but with a quiet uneventful whimper and whine.
What I have failed to realize until now is that passion is the muse of creative authenticity. It's the primordial pulsating energy that infuses my life..that pounds away in my heart and head..that keeps me awake and alive. Passion does not reveal itself only in clandestine, romantic, bodice ripping cliches. Passion is also cloaked in deep, subtle, quiet, committed ways...snuggling with my child, preparing a special meal, capturing a beautiful image on film, following a dream. Every day offers me another opportunity to live a passionate life rather than a passive one. If I will stop denying myself pleasure. If I will learn to say Yes. If, quite simply, I will let go and open up.
Passion is holy. I need to accept that a raging fire burns within me, whether I am comfortable with this truth or not. Passion is a part of the real life package...it is how and why we are created. By love, for love, to love. I am given opportunities to live passionately everyday..to follow my heart...to love without hesitation or question...to create fearlessly and ferociously. I must learn to stop silencing my passions..and instead to give them outward expression. Otherwise I fear my soul will suffer a spontaneous combustion from regret.
The Koran, the sacred book of Islam, and the Jewish Talmud all teach that we will be called to account for every permissible passion and pleasure life offered us but we refused to enjoy while here on Earth. I want my account to be full of passions realized..I want to say that I believed..that I battled...and that I burned through all the passion I was given. Or at least that I boiled a few bunnies.
Dorothy L. Sayers believed that "The only sin passion can commit is to be joyless." I don't know about that..but I promise to find joy in my passions from here on out.

XOX

True North..

I used to believe that happiness could only be found after arriving at my heart's destination. Explorers call it true north. For me, true north was a loving marriage...a spiritual family...a kind and generous child...a successful career...plenty of money to pursue my passions and control my creative destiny. Now that I have spent far longer on the road from Here to There than I could have ever imagined, I have relaxed a little in my expectations (looks like the marriage has been replaced with relationship, career has fallen away to be replaced by health) and have come to an awakening. My true north is..and always has been..my creativity and passion. I've always controlled my destiny...just not always its course. I simply didn't have the common sense to realize it until now.
But more to the point..I learned that the spirit of the journey (and the lessons I learn along the way) is as important..perhaps even more important...than the arrival at the destination. There is always a new destination. In order for me to realize genuine happiness, I must be willing to accept that the journey is really all that I may ever know. Day in and day out..the journey is real life.
One day in 1923, the artist Georgia O'Keeffe came to the same conclusion. "I found myself saying to myself..I can't live where I want to...I can't go where I want to...I can't do what I want to. I can't even say what I want to. I decided that I was a very stupid fool not to at least paint as I wanted to...that seemed to be the only thing I could do that didn't concern anybody but myself."
Now..I can't paint like Georgia. But I can certainly slowly learn to follow her example..finding and following my creative urges. This skill rarely comes naturally or easily...but with practice, with patience, and with perseverance...it does come. Creativity comes during my idle hours..I must learn to store it up in order to draw on it when the source isn't there but my need is great.
"The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life." Jessica Hische. I must remember that the creativity I find while I am avoiding real life..is the same creativity that should become my real life. For I now realize that Photography is quite possibly my one true north. The rest is just supplemental happiness.

XOX

The Wolf Vs. The Pigs..

Anyone who knows me will laugh at the sheer absurdity of this blog title. Here we are the "3 Little Pigs" fending off the "Big Bad Wolf"....and as I sit here laughing at the very thought...that isn't even what this post is about! Funny how random that was. Let's be serious for a moment though...
We are all afraid of the Wolf. Because sooner or later he's whining and scratching at the front door. And we may not recognize him at first, but eventually we let him in. The Wolf is the bad times, the negatives, the evils that we allow into our lives. All the things that we fear and dread and worry about. The Wolf is all the things...physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, and most importantly financial...that keep us from living the lives we want. I want to focus today on the financial. Having money in the bank isn't necessarily insurance against the huffing and puffing. Remember the Lloyd's of London fiasco? Remember the Wall Street Kaboom? For most of us, the Wolf's arrival is less dramatic..but no less traumatic. My tale may not get mentioned in newspapers...the decision to focus on my health rather than my career, thus reducing our incomes from two to one; the rising cost of health care, for which I am uninsured; the stack of bills on my desk that require immediate resources (due mostly to the fact that we like to eat, have running water, and cool air conditioning); or the persistent and ongoing legal battle that sucks whatever is remaining. Poverty is always experienced in the soul before it is felt in the pocketbook.
I work very hard to keep the Wolf at bay. I attempt to scratch out a lifestyle for us despite our bank account. I try to never reduce myself to merely existing , whatever our circumstances. I do this by not running scared when the Wolf arrives threatening to blow my house down. I am learning to outsmart, catch, and cook the Wolf. By concentrating on what I have....a good glass of wine, a good loaf of bread, a beautiful sunset, lively conversation, loving relationships. I am learning that the good life does not depend on extravagance...
Case in point: in 1932, during the darkest days of the Great Depression, Scott and Helen Nearing abandoned life in New York City to become modern day pioneers in Vermont. They were socialists, pacifists, and vegetarians (mostly just like me!) and they were determined to create a completely self-sufficient lifestyle that was solely dependent on their wits, hard work, and perseverance. They went in search of the good life..what they considered to be "simplicity, freedom from anxiety, and an opportunity to be useful and live harmoniously." So, they drank only water, juices, and herbal brews and consumed little more than raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, and excessive quantities of popcorn (I haven't figured that one out yet.). There was no salt, sugar, tea, coffee, dairy products, or eggs in their pantry..and naturally they didn't smoke or drink alcohol. They succeeded in homesteading, wrote several books on the subject, and both lived to be 100.
Now, I am hardly saying that I can reduce our lifestyles to match the Nearings...no coffee? No alcohol? Be serious. But perhaps the secret to the good life is not a TV in every room, the latest fashions in my closet, and a new car in my driveway. Perhaps I need only follow the advice Helen shared in her memoir:

• Do the best you can, whatever arises.
• Be at peace with yourself.
• Find a job you enjoy.
• Live in simple conditions: housing, food, clothing. Get rid of clutter.
• Connect with nature everyday: feel the earth under your feet.
• Take physical exercise through hard work: plant a garden, clean the house, walk the dog.
• Don't worry: live one day at a time.
• Share something every day with someone else: feed your family, write letters, help others.
• Take time to wonder at life and the world: find humor where you can.
• Observe the one life in all things: give thanks to the Creator.
• Be kind to the everything and everyone: man and beast.

I have no doubt that if I lived these suggestions every day, not just thought about them, I would realize that the good life is truly here and now. And that the Piggies are safe from the Wolf.

XOX

What's Up?..

Howdy and Hey! Wow it's been awhile since I've been here. I've just been soooo busy. That's such a lie. I haven't been busy..I've been on Pinterest. Holy Schamolie...what a time waster sucker. Yeah...I could maybe need an intervention.
Cue August! (Yikes! Where has the summer slipped off to?) I will be doing a fantabulous photography project starting August 1st. I am so excited to get creative!! And Small is helping me...she's undoubtedly thrilled. ( Be checking out the Eos Photography blog...you know you want to!) Otherwise...upon viewing the command center...August does look a little hectic. You know...that last minute getting ready for school rush. I know that there are some travel plans in the works, a photography session, a retirement celebration, and a high school reunion! Add a few doctors appointments, a couple of VIP birthdays, grocery shopping, and another round of puppy shots....August is smokin in my little corner of the universe...and I don't just mean the temperature outside!
News from my world....just finished a couple of wonderful books...let's have a review! (Newly founded..as in just now started book club...Bananas Bookshelf! Catchy right?) *What Would Audrey Do?*: Audrey as in Hepburn. No lie..I love her. (From the 'blurb'...WWAD is a complete Audrey primer, with rich anecdotes and insights from the people who knew her best, and Audrey-inspired lessons on love and dating, beauty, style, raising children, creating a home, chic travel tips, success, and generosity.) It's all about tackling life's problems with Hepburn grace and style. Read it. Now. *The Power Of A Praying Wife*: Fact that I am NOT a wife aside, this book did offer me alot of insight on how to pray..and pray correctly...for the relationship that I have and the relationship that I want. It was a little schmaltzy at times...and occasionally a little too 'King of the Castle' for me...but all in all I walk away with a new insight. That's the important part. OK..so right now I have on my nightstand the following ~ mindless pitter patter fiction (John Grishom, Emily Giffen, and James Patterson--beach reading), a diet book (that I intend to read and follow beginning August 1st), the Percy Jackson series (that I received for Christmas..gotta fill the Potter void!), and The Bible. Expect further book reviews in forthcoming blogs.
Oh! I got a surprising email a few days ago. Funny how random my life is sometimes. I am withholding sharing  more right now...but I am praying for change, for honest revelation, and for strength. To You: Keep the faith, best wishes, and thanks.
Just a little sadness to share. As many of you know, I have been a raving lunatic lately. My hormones are completely whack...I cried during a commercial for Winnie the Pooh the other day for crickets sake. (And don't even get me started on all the bawling during the final Harry Potter.) I have hot flashes that would make the Devil himself move to Antarctica. I can't sleep and when I do it's interrupted and restless. Oh...and I'm cranky. Really. Really. Cranky. And if that wasn't enough....I am in constant pain. SO...here's the new medical plan of attack...for the next three months I am on hormone/ovary suppression therapy (fancy speak for birth control pills.). Then...removing the ovary. Followed by...menopause. While I thought originally this was the course of action that I wanted...I now find myself depressed at the thought of menopause before I'm 40...the loss of children I can't have (and don't even want)...and the possibility that this may not even fix whatever is wrong. This is only complicated by the fact that my brother is having another baby. While I am OVER THE MOON happy for them (and so excited to be an Aunt again!)..it still tugs at my heartstrings a little.
Moving on!! I also want to let you know that beginning August 1st, I will be focusing more on this little ole blog..and providing insight and inspiration once again (hopefully daily..but no promises.)! I have gotten away from my journey for awhile...but I'm back...and ready to tackle that brambly overgrown potholed path to peace and harmony!
Now that I have written a novel...bottom line...August is HAPPENING!! Both blogs will be jam packed with new ideas, creative endeavors, and exciting events! Are you IN?? Just say yes..it will be FUN! If it ISN'T...you can kick me in the shins or something!..but have I ever let you down? I didn't think so!

XOX

Life lately...

Jiminy and Crickets I've been busy. And quite honestly I'm exhausted! Hey...has anybody seen Sleep? Cause he seems to have taken an extended vacation or forgot my address or got mortally wounded by Insomnia. Stupid Sleep. Imma gonna kick his ass.
I'm sure THIS doesn't have anything to do with it:

Yep...that's the new baby girl puppy Windy. She's cute right? Uh-huh...she whines. A little. OK..a lot. I think she actually might have scared  Sleep away..
Or maybe it's that ill tempered old pal of mine...Kidney Stone. Yeah...she made a bitchin appearance last week. Spent the night in the Emergency Room..haven't been right since. Of course...I haven't really slowed down much either...perhaps I need to settle in the sand for awhile tomorrow? Hmmm.
I will have to let you know!

     XOX

Love on the side of the road..

You know that moment when the stars align in perfect unison with the rotation of the Earth and something magical happens? No? Well...today it happened here. RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. For serious!!
A little background...Small and I play the "Punch Buggy" game. Ad nauseum. Constantly. With serious and sometimes bloody results. There is screaming, name calling (La Whos Zer!), and downright ruthless aggression. It's a problem in our family.
Fast forward to today. Here we are...driving to the beach..minding our own beeswax...when WHAM! There it is...the PERFECT punch buggy. Cue the squealing...and heart palpitations...and tears...and joy...and adoration. We created dreams of surfboards on top (we don't surf...), hula girl on the dash, just following the open summer road. We pictured ourselves with tan lines and sandy toes..gypsies for the beach. We named our baby girl and promised her an esteemed place in the household.
And that was all before we even got to the parking lot.

We finangled a turn around. Under the guise that something this beautiful must be captured on film! And then we see it....the 'For Sale' sign.

Now the stars have moved from perfect unison to cruelty and malevolence. What kind of heartless world we live in that such a lovely creation cannot be mine. And to taunt me so...I can touch you, look upon you, caress your perfect exterior...only to have to abandon you..alone and forsaken..and unwanted by the callous being who owns you now.

I am sad and forlorn. My dreams shatter and crumble in front of me. Never before have I seen such perfection in metal and paint. A 1969 (!) Volkswagen Beetle. In teal blue. With white leather and chrome interior. And a stick shift. Fabulous..beautiful..automotive happiness.

My dear sweet Veronica Blue..you WILL be mine. (And Small says she is keeping you forever.) Oh yes...you WILL be mine.

     XOX