Christina Baldwin tells us that "How we remember, and what we remember, and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality." I want to become willing to remember. I realize that I have lived many lives, and each one has left an indelible mark on my soul. I'm not talking about reincarnation. I am referring to the episodic way in which our lives evolve...childhood, adolescence, college years, early marriage (followed by early divorce), careers, motherhood, onward and upward. At each stage in my life I have had both laughter and tears. I have seen successes and failures. I have kept and let go. Each life experience leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of soil: things that I have loved and moments of contentment that not only developed my personal preferences but when recalled, reveal glimmers of my true self. I am hesitant to recall my past only because I am afraid of dredging up my long quieted pains.
So my challenge to myself is to find the patience to bring forth these memories. But memory is fickle. She must be wooed and courted. Sometimes she surprises me with her generosity and I recall moments with astonishing clarity. Most of the time, however, my memories are fragmented and broken. It's like digging and brushing away the many layers of soil. Joan Baez reminds me that "as long as one keeps searching, the answers come."
This is important because the more I learn about myself and my preferences..the easier it is to make necessary choices. And creative choice is at the heart of living peacefully and authentically. Choice confers freedom....the freedom to embrace the new because it speaks to my soul. And I am willing to listen. Today I consider the choices I have made in the past. Have they always been the right ones? (Usually, no.) Do I make choices with my mind, my heart, or my gut? (I listen to all three but we all know that my heart always wins.) Am I comfortable with this or is it time to try a different approach? (I vote different). There are long buried dreams calling me from roads I chose not to take. I have to stop telling myself it is too late. I have to start making new choices. Perhaps I now have the wisdom to make better choices. I need to dig deep into my soul to find the answers that lie buried there.
...Proverbs 14:33 Wisdom reposes in the heart of the discerning and even among fools she lets herself be known.
Tonight I am thankful for another safe return home and for the joys my travels have brought me. I am thankful for time spent with those I love. I am thankful for the beauty He has created and the ability He has provided. I pray for warmer weather, flowers and sunshine. I pray for health. I pray for those I cherish. I pray for those making choices. I pray for backward reflection and forward thinking.
And while I have promised to pray for her...again tonight I cannot. I refuse to allow myself the hypocrisy of offering her thoughts and prayers while my heart remains hardened. Forgiveness must be consuming and for her it is not.
Goodnight and God bless.
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