In trying to live my life more authentically, I have discovered my true place in the world for the first time. But this self knowledge has not been easily acquired. It has taken tenacity and daring to travel to the darkest interior of my soul and fetch whatever is lurking there. It's a scary place. J. R. R. Tolkien advises that "It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him." What happens when the dragon lives inside you? My dragon is my fears: my daily stalkers, my night sweats. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failing. Fear of starting something new and not finishing. Again. Or the real fear...the one that sends shivers up my spine...the fear of actually succeeding, of becoming my authentic self, the person I am truly meant to be, and facing the changes that will inevitably bring. I might not be happy with the way I am living now, or the mistakes I am making, or the dreams I am forgoing...but at least my life is safely familiar.
I don't know where I am heading. Or what I am doing. Or who I am. And I'm scared. Old dreams are resurrecting, unfamiliar hopes are wooing me, unclaimed desires are resurfacing. Instead of clarity, I feel confused. I have always known how to deal with dragons hiding under the bed or lurking in the closet. I turn on the lights and reassure the worried souls with kindness and love. I guess I need to learn how to slay the dragons in my heart and soul...and especially the ones that reside in my head....the same way.
Perhaps I need to cling to T. S. Eliot's belief that there really is nothing to fear from self-awareness because at the end of all my personal inner exploration...I will arrive back where I started and know in my heart that's where I belong. Because I will be stronger for having faced the dragons...and won. Besides, it's really not an adventure tale worth telling if there aren't any dragons. Or a damsel in distress. (That would be me...) And as the best old tales promise us...at the end of all my exploring...I will live happily ever after.
...Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Tonight I pray for the necessary weapons to slay my dragons...love, peace, and strength. I pray for the ability to continue my inner exploration in order to find my authentic self. I pray for healing and forgiveness. I pray for those I love.
And while I should pray for her..as I have promised to do...tonight I cannot. I cannot give genuine heartfelt concern and precious healing and forgiveness to a person who so callously works to destroy other people. I cannot find faith in a person who has none of her own. I cannot condone behavior that is hurtful...hurts that are so willingly inflicted by her hand. I cannot waste valuable creativity on a person who fails to possess her own. And I cannot hope for peace in a heart that offers none to others. Sorry honey...you are on your own for awhile. My prayer list is full.
Goodnight and God bless.
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