Getting out there...

My recent road trip has inspired me. I have met my inner self...the funny, random, creative, adventurous being that resides within my broke down body. I want to get to know this person. I want a relationship with her. I want to start taking her on creative excursions. What is a creative excursion you ask? Well....it is a regular solo rendezvous..it is an investment of my time (doing something I enjoy)...it is a celebration of myself. I am aware that this sounds absurd...but I think that I need to find pastimes that will make my heart light and force my spirit to fly. I have been cooped up inside myself for too long...I am breaking free!
This is not to say that I have the first idea of how to accomplish this. In fact, I fear that it will be much harder than I anticipate. I am simply not used to having fun by myself. It seems frivolous and self-indulgent. I am preparing for strong emotional resistance. I foresee all the excuses: I am too broke, I am too busy, who will watch the child, maybe next week when I am not so frazzled, excursion requires leaving the house....blah blah blah. I will refuse to give in! I am not too busy for this (if I am then I need to seriously reconsider my priorities!). I need to remember that I have dedicated this year to asking questions: the most essential one I can ask myself is "what is it that I truly love?" I recognize that I am not going to overhaul my life, my home, or even my wardrobe just by taking a few excursions...but it is the beginning of fulfilling the void.
Occasionally I get glimmers of this 'better me'. On a good hair day. When I have had 12 full hours of sleep. When I fit into last years jeans. When I am funny and entertaining. When moments like this happen, I tend to think that all is right with the world. Everything has fallen into place. What I am learning is that it means that all is right with me. I am in the flow of life and loving it. I am in place. I need to learn how to access this flow more frequently. How do I learn to live at full throttle without a burnout?
Meditation helps. So does a long walk. A bubble bath. Being more gentle with myself. Playing with the dog or the girl. But mostly it is being open to change. Welcoming it. Watching. Waiting. It is learning that while I am waiting I must remain conscious. I must think and grow. I must rejoice and dream...but not be afraid to kneel and pray. I must begin by opening the door and letting go.
"You can live a lifetime and, at the end of it, know more about other people than you know about yourself." Beryl Markham. I want to know what other people know about me. I want to start now.

...Romans 14:12 Each one of us will give an account of himself to God.

Yikes. This appointment is unbreakable. I want my account to be beautifully poetic. So tonight I am praying for the strength to live at full throttle. To welcome creative excursions. To seek what defines who I am and what I love. I pray for humor, humility, and honor. I pray for those I love and cherish. I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.