I'm having a baby...

Do I have your attention? So...here I am...middle of the night. Epidural is working well...haven't felt a single one of the contractions. And there have been many. I have even managed to get a little sleep...after yelling at one not very nice nurse that checking on me did not require turning on the flood lights and alerting the media. Oh..and she better not, ever again, walk into my room smelling of french fries. Unless she wants to die...horribly and painfully. Because at this point she is numero uno on the list...wait...make that number two. I didn't get myself pregnant you know.
Moving on...we have had some sleep. Things are finally progressing. Doctor has come in and advised (prior to heading out to some golf game/dinner date/doctor schmoozefest...while I am fat, hungry, bored and imprisoned...bastard.) that he will be back at six (a.m. for those of you wondering) to check on me...and possibly to break my water. Yay! I think...now. Fast forward to six o'clock...in the morning....on day 5....
Hello Mr. Dr. Lifesaver.....please can I have a baby today? Because I am not leaving this hospital without one....even if I have to buy it in the gift shop downstairs (which all the nurses tell me is a very nice one...whatever). "Sure you can have a baby. Are you ready?" Is he kidding? I want to kick him in the face. First I want him to remove the foreign object cramming an elbow into my kidney. Then I want to kick him in the face...I want to scream at him..."I was ready 4 days ago asshole..." but since he is the only thing standing between me and obstetric suicide....I mumble..."yes please."
Breaking of the water: basically a crochet hook. Really? I could have done that myself 3 days ago. Of course, then I would have missed out on epidural euphoria. You know what they don't tell you? That after this step, it all happens pretty quickly. And by quickly I mean....ok..push...stop...push...stop..head is stuck...dammit...are you ok?...suction (this is a giant hoover vac..seriously...the sucked the baby out. Gross I know.).....how about 1 more push?....shoulders.....and....done. I want to say it was about 11 o'clock at this point...but I am pretty sure I passed out.
Congratulations you have a sweet little baby girl. 6 pounds 7.5 ounces. Perfect. Cute. Soft. 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 ears, 2 eyes, one nose. (I checked) What's her name? Damn.....I knew I was forgetting something. I have no idea what to name small baby. (I know this seems strange...I was in the hospital with nothing to do for 4 days..not to mention the 8ish months that I was preggo....and had she been born a he...I would have been all set. Get my drift? Not really planning on a pink bundle of joy.) I made some calls...I got some opinions. I wavered...I waffled...I wondered. Poor little thing remained mystery baby for a few days...not that it seems to have affected her at all. She seems to like what I picked out...which I guess is good. At least it's normal. No Hippiestar Sunbeam Fairypixiedust.....although I kind of like the effect. Besides...I rarely call her by the actual name anyway...nicknames are way funner.
So...here we are. 10 years later. And not that I am partial or anything...but she is an amazing kid. She is smart and funny. She cares deeply about others and about the world that she lives in. She does not see color, or disability, or income, or religion. She is everything wonderful in the world. She saved me...of that I am sure.
And as much as I love her...I know it is only matched by how much she loves me in return. We are a team....protecting each other, nurturing each other, supporting each other. No longer do I live...she teaches me how to be alive.
Happy Birthday Small. 5 days was a small sacrifice for the wonderment that is you.