Authenticity...

According to Webster's Dictionary, to be authentic is to be "not imaginary, false or imitation." To be authentic is to be "genuine, veritable, bona fide, being actually and precisely what is claimed." The only thing that I can genuinely claim to be is myself. My best has to be good enough...even on a bad day. I have to stop being so hard on myself..I have to stop wanting to be a perfect version of someone I am not. Did you know that Amish quilters will deliberately add a mismatched patch to each quilt to remind themselves that only God can create perfectly? I need to remember that...that I am not perfect...I don't have to be.
I can tell you that I am authentically alot of things. I am authentically creative. I am authentically a mother. I am authentically sad. Some days everything comes easily, naturally. I realize that all I am is all anyone truly needs. Other days I am impossible to quiet. I have too many unfulfilled desires and delayed dreams. I'm sick and tired of waiting for the inner changes I seek to manifest themselves on the outside.
These dark days come...more and more frequently. And while I know that this sadness is a temporary derailment..it still takes much from my heart. Sometimes I am sad for very apparent reasons...overwhelming loss, worries about money, increased pain and concerns about my health. Other times I don't know why I feel so bad...which makes me feel even worse. It could be a million different reasons...an appalling lack of appreciation (by myself and by others), exhaustion, the weather, hormones, the phase of the moon, or maybe it's just part of the process of finding my inner self.
I wish that I could say that this spiritual and creative growth was smooth, predictable, and painless. No such luck. It comes in spasms...three steps forward, two steps back, and then long periods where nothing happens. It's during these nothing periods when I notice the "sads". I can barely get myself dressed..much less out the door. I look like Hell..and I don't care. I can't remember if I showered yesterday..or the last time I washed my face. Smalls voice is insistent and irritating...mine is shrill and impatient. Days seem bleak, not bright with promise. It's taking more work than I expected to discover who I really am and what my heart desires...and now I'm not sure I even want to find out.
So I am learning that when these days present to me, what can I do besides holding on and riding out the storm? I have two choices. I can simply give in, stop resisting, get on with it. I can ask for grace, have a good cry, pull the covers up and sleep it off. I can indulge-without guilt-in something purely for medicinal reasons..like an extra glass of Amaretto. I can soak in a hot tub, go to bed early, try to be grateful, and turn out the light. OR...I can shift gears. I can ask for grace, call my bestie and talk it out. I can wash my face, style my hair, put on lip gloss and perfume. I can find a reason to leave the house and do something I enjoy. I can treat myself kindly and with patience. Whatever path I choose I simply need to remember that within twenty-four hours the day will be over. Tomorrow should be better. My mood should pass. And I will have discovered another layer of my heart along the way.
"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes alot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want." Sue Bender

...Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So, tonight I pray. For peace, for calm, for understanding. I pray that what I am, what I offer, and what I strive to become may finally be enough. I pray for the wanderlust to finally leave my heart and allow for a settling of my soul. I pray for love, for trust, and for transformation.
Goodnight and God bless.