A step backwards...

I am in a mood. I don't know why that is, or when I got here, or how to fix it. It's just a mood. Maybe it stems from exhaustion, or life, or lack of Amaretto. Whatever it is...I want it to go away. It has however made me do a little deep thinking...I know, I know...big groans from all of you.
I think this all started with a look in the mirror this evening. I have been searching for deep inner peace...but what I have failed to do is to make peace with the past..starting with myself. I need to make peace with the body and face that I was born with..as well as the one that has evolved. I need to embrace the lines forming on my forehead, the parts that sag and stick out where I wish they wouldn't, the hair that never looks quite like I want it to. However, I realize that before genuine peace and love can flourish I need to finally accept myself exactly as I am today....not tomorrow or next week or months from now. I need to remember that acceptance is acknowledging the reality of any situation...I'm heavier than I would like to be, my complexion is weird, I think that's a grey hair, I cannot wear leggings. Whatever.
I need to learn that life battles all of us whether we are rich or poor, fat or skinny, glamorous or frumpy, public or private. The wounds that we suffer may be an open cut or a slow, silent hemorrhage of the soul. But it is still a wound. On the outside I may look like I've got my act together...but occasionally I encounter those dark stormy days when I feel very small, very fragile, and very frightened. Sometimes I think that I could shatter into a thousand pieces at something as simple as "How are you?"
And when this happens...like right now...I need to be kind to myself..not beat myself up. I will leave that to the rest of the world. My feelings are valid, and my fears very real...even though they are probably not based in reality. I need to step back, take a breather, and remember that I don't have to do everything and be everything for everyone else all the time. I do need to be there for myself all of the time. I did not lose myself all at once...I cannot recover myself all at once either. This is the process I need to focus on first and foremost...peace, and love, and happiness will find the way on their own.

...Psalm 68:19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Tonight I pray: O Lord, help me to take opportunities every day, and especially today, to rewind and renew myself in you. Amen.
Thanks everyone for being so patient during my hiatus. It was a difficult time...and while I don't think that I am completely out of the woods...healing has begun.
Goodnight and God bless.