1. Where exactly do these rocks come from? Are they special rocks from some Tibetan monastery or can you just buy them in bulk from your local Home Depot? Are they legal? Can you ship them through customs? Did Jesus bless them back in the day? How and why do they work? And who thinks of this..."Hey, dudes, I know! Let's get a bunch of black rocks all hot and stuff and then put them on the ladies. The chicks are gonna luhv us!"...Brilliant. Give this man a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. How do they get these rocks all warm? Are they just dumped in the Crock Pot with some holy water and a tea leaf? Do we get stone soup later? Are they microwave safe? Or do they just emanate heat...you know...some kind of wicked voodoo rocks?
3. How many people have drooled out of the hole in the bed for my face? Because I am pretty sure I did. Random yes, but vitally important.
4. As my massage goddess is lubing me up in preparation for rock therapy...is she thinking..."you know, with all this oil, if the rocks cook her we could eliminate hunger in at least one underprivileged third world country."? Or is she too focused on greasing up the blubber in case the rocks actually do catch fire and they have to squeeze me out a door? Oh wait, for what I am paying her...she better be adoring all that oily carcass. And another thing....what exactly is she rubbing into my skin right now? Vegetable oil...extra virgin olive oil...whale sperm? Let's be honest..whatever it is conducts heat. Really. Really. Well.
5. What happens if I fart (or make some equally mortifying noise.)? I mean..here I am..nekkid, oily, warm and cozy, and completely totally unequivocally relaxed. It could happen. Oh...don't sit there all uppity and disgusted...you know you were thinking it too. Do I just laugh it off, offer a meek "excuse me", or ignore it altogether? Maybe I just pretend to be asleep? And what happens if it actually smells bad? This is not the zen I am trying to achieve.
6. Whoa whoa and whoa. Is that a muscle right there? Why was I not aware of this until now? And why did I not notice that it hurt until after my massage session? And when, sweet massage lady, you hear that cracking snapping popping noise...be advised those are my bones. I am going to need them later. I am old..be gentle please. I came here to relax...not partake in some kind of ritualistic torture dreamt up by pagan Hitler worshippers. Whatever they told you about me was a lie anyway.
7. What toxins am I expected to release? No lie....I am bothered by this. Gross. Where did these toxins come from? Is someone trying to poison me? Should I change my life insurance? I mean..I know that I have some nasty shit inside me...but toxins? That just makes me sound like some kind of nuclear dump site.
8. Oh, and since we are just heating up some rocks...any chance you could warm up that snarky kidney stone...I mean if she's just gonna take up squatters rights in there..she might as well heat the place up!? Right?
OK...I think that just about covers it. But rest assured, dear readers, that I intend to do some seriously intense follow up research on this matter. I will sacrifice my body for the good of mankind, the further pursuit of knowledge and the fight for peace. No, really. It's no problem at all.
OMG you had me snorting into my hand, head down on my desk in tears, belly laughing so hard that the ladies in the next cube had to come over and see what was so funny! At which point I had to exit your blog because I am not supposed to be reading it here at work! You my dear sweet cousin are so frikkin funny! I love you so much! Thank you for the wonderful laugh that completely made my day! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome. Anytime!! I love you.
ReplyDelete