Dear Summer...Hurry Up!!

I am seriously sick of Mother Nature. I mean...really. She needs to relax a little...maybe go on a date or something. What is her issue? Why must she play with my emotions? She gives me a week of beautiful sunshine and puffy clouds...and then she yanks it away and replaces it with grey skies and cold shitty rain. Screw her...I say we skip Spring and move right on into Summer. That'll show her.
So here it is...almost April (Jesus Holy Schamolie...it's almost April. When the Hell did that happen?)...hard to believe. Things are moving right along here at Chez Haven...winter is boxed up and stored away, people and pets have emerged from hibernation, life is dusted off and polished up. Spring cleaning is completed...all we need now are some warm breezes and some sunshiny goodness. And those warm breezes better be stirring some shit up...because really...I need some shit to happen around here. I've got a list *this long*....
With Smalls help, I changed the family command center....a little early I know...but change has to start somewhere. Between work, and home, and family...the changes this month are plentiful...better to get a head start I say! And I love the look of the dry erase board on the first day...when it's neat and clean and not full of stupid shit. So as I was perusing Aprils offerings...I decided the whole month should just be ignored and possibly even eliminated all together (as my beefcake future ex husband Mr. Church says.."the tax man and the devil share the same address"...). Truth. Sooo...anyways....

I have been writing this post for like hours...I'm so over it now. For serious. Time to call it a day...
Check me tomorrow!!!
Goodnight and God bless.

Rant In Progress...

*Due to my excessive and overabundant usage of all the naughty words in the English language, this post is rated B for Bitch.*

Be prepared, dear grasshoppers...I am breaking blogging rules 2 and 4. I might even type in all caps and bold all my words...just to make sure this sinks in. REALLY. WELL.
A little info about me. If I tell you that I am learning to be more peaceful and happier...you can bet I am. If I tell you that I will pray for you...you can bet I do. And if I tell you that you are living your life in a way that creates chaos and makes people want to kick your skanky ass....you can damn sure bet it's got an ounce of truth behind it (even if it is only my humble, over educated, observant, don't give a fuck about your feelings opinion.). Because that's how I roll. I don't lie. I don't steal. I don't cheat. And other people probably feel the same way I do..they just don't say it out loud or to your face. But I am not afraid of you....you aren't scary.
If you actually read my blog, you will find alot of my own thoughts, observations, and opinions. Not once have I claimed to have all the answers. Not once do I profess perfection. I don't and I'm not. I do not expect it of others. We all have demons and skeletons in the closet. That is human fucking nature. Some are worse than others, yes....but most people accept them and move on. What they don't do is spend their whole lives blaming everyone else for why they are fucked up.
This is what I expect of others...to GROW THE FUCK UP. This isn't High School people. So your marriage didn't work out (whether its husband one, two, five, or twenty)...stop feeling sorry for yourself. And really....take some responsibility for it. My husband was an asshole...but maybe if I hadn't been a bitch we could have lived happily ever after. Maybe not. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore..it happens. Maybe he got tired of sharing your nasty pussy with everyone on the block...that happens too. So you have children...me too. And yes..parenthood is hard. Single parenting sucks. I get it. I also get that when times are hard financially...I need a job. So I fucking get one....yes it cuts into my sleep schedule. Yes I can't have as much fun. Yes I can no longer play Martha Stewart Suzi Homemaker...oh. fucking. well. My bills get paid, my child can eat, and I am a successful adult. (and I provide without child support, or alimony, or joint tax returns...and my kid is smart, polite, and well adjusted...so I must be doing something right huh?) The point that I am making here is that bad shit happens to everyone...life blows. Suck it up...and move on.
I digress...my blog is a direct result of personal requests from family and friends for me to write again. Because I am good at it. Because I enjoy it. Because writing makes me happy. And because I deal with stupid fucking shit all fucking day..I have alot to say. And while I apologize that you may have been offended...this isn't about you. So shut the fuck up. (Oh...I'm sorry...did I hurt your precious feelings?)
THIS IS MY BLOG....therefore I am free to think, speak, write, preach, delete, edit, and otherwise own anything I want. (The First Amendment at work!) You don't have to love it. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to relate to it (although it probably IS about you). Hell...I don't even care if you fucking READ it. I'm not here to make friends. I'm not here to impress anyone, or be politically correct. This is who I am...frequently hilarious, occasionally wise and otherwise entertaining. Non perfect, uncaring, and bitchy. I certainly don't care what you think of me...whether you like me....or whether you want to smash my face with a hammer. Just so you know.
So I swear like a sailor. So I drink like a fish. So I am impatient, inappropriate, and illogical. It's all part of being a flawed, imperfect sinner. I pray. I repent. I attend church. That's between me and the God that I worship. I don't ask you to come along. I don't force my religion on you. I don't ask yours. If you believe...that's great. If you don't...that's fine too. Whatever gets you to the flip side of your choosing. And while I believe in faith...I am also a firm believer in Karma. You get what you give. Good or bad...rich or poor...Karma is equal opportunity. And she's a nasty bitch. So you will find here in the confines of the blog my process...it is neither hypocrisy or prophesy.
So here's what it all boils down to....pay close attention:
If you don't like what I have to say...if you think I am anything less than authentic...then MOVE THE FUCK ON. Nobody invited you anyway.

Authenticity...

According to Webster's Dictionary, to be authentic is to be "not imaginary, false or imitation." To be authentic is to be "genuine, veritable, bona fide, being actually and precisely what is claimed." The only thing that I can genuinely claim to be is myself. My best has to be good enough...even on a bad day. I have to stop being so hard on myself..I have to stop wanting to be a perfect version of someone I am not. Did you know that Amish quilters will deliberately add a mismatched patch to each quilt to remind themselves that only God can create perfectly? I need to remember that...that I am not perfect...I don't have to be.
I can tell you that I am authentically alot of things. I am authentically creative. I am authentically a mother. I am authentically sad. Some days everything comes easily, naturally. I realize that all I am is all anyone truly needs. Other days I am impossible to quiet. I have too many unfulfilled desires and delayed dreams. I'm sick and tired of waiting for the inner changes I seek to manifest themselves on the outside.
These dark days come...more and more frequently. And while I know that this sadness is a temporary derailment..it still takes much from my heart. Sometimes I am sad for very apparent reasons...overwhelming loss, worries about money, increased pain and concerns about my health. Other times I don't know why I feel so bad...which makes me feel even worse. It could be a million different reasons...an appalling lack of appreciation (by myself and by others), exhaustion, the weather, hormones, the phase of the moon, or maybe it's just part of the process of finding my inner self.
I wish that I could say that this spiritual and creative growth was smooth, predictable, and painless. No such luck. It comes in spasms...three steps forward, two steps back, and then long periods where nothing happens. It's during these nothing periods when I notice the "sads". I can barely get myself dressed..much less out the door. I look like Hell..and I don't care. I can't remember if I showered yesterday..or the last time I washed my face. Smalls voice is insistent and irritating...mine is shrill and impatient. Days seem bleak, not bright with promise. It's taking more work than I expected to discover who I really am and what my heart desires...and now I'm not sure I even want to find out.
So I am learning that when these days present to me, what can I do besides holding on and riding out the storm? I have two choices. I can simply give in, stop resisting, get on with it. I can ask for grace, have a good cry, pull the covers up and sleep it off. I can indulge-without guilt-in something purely for medicinal reasons..like an extra glass of Amaretto. I can soak in a hot tub, go to bed early, try to be grateful, and turn out the light. OR...I can shift gears. I can ask for grace, call my bestie and talk it out. I can wash my face, style my hair, put on lip gloss and perfume. I can find a reason to leave the house and do something I enjoy. I can treat myself kindly and with patience. Whatever path I choose I simply need to remember that within twenty-four hours the day will be over. Tomorrow should be better. My mood should pass. And I will have discovered another layer of my heart along the way.
"Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes alot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want." Sue Bender

...Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So, tonight I pray. For peace, for calm, for understanding. I pray that what I am, what I offer, and what I strive to become may finally be enough. I pray for the wanderlust to finally leave my heart and allow for a settling of my soul. I pray for love, for trust, and for transformation.
Goodnight and God bless.

What a slacker!...

So I practically begged and pleaded for you to read and follow my blog...and then I haven't posted anything new. What the Shit is up with that? I don't suppose it's because I've been busy or anything...I mean...I DO have a social life. (OK I don't really...but since I don't want you to think I am a loser or anything...). And guess what? I'm not really posting anything now either!! I checked the smart part of my brain..and it appears to be AWOL...so I might actually have to WORK for a post. Give me some time to think of something...
Or to make something up!

Tired, Tired...and Tired.

Exhaustion has nothing on me. I am beat. Seriously. I don't even really feel like blogging but I wanted to say Hello...and Goodnight. So...Hello. And Goodnight!
No really...so much upcoming excitement. I will tell you all about it soon! Until then....
Zzzzz.....

Just checking in...

I know that it has been a few days....I am sorry. It has been crazy busy. Spent the last weekend shopping and celebrating a friends milestone birthday. Now we are busy preparing the house for guests! So...I spent 5 hours today cleaning Smalls room (the one she has been "cleaning" all week.)...and let me just tell you...that girl can hoard some shit with the best of them! How does one little tiny sweet girl accumulate so much useless crap? And it was shoved everywhere...yes your room looks better...because you hid all the shit under your bed and behind your dresser and in the drawers. Really? So I threw shit away...lots and lots of shit. And I moved the furniture..twice. And I cleaned the carpets. And I expected full on ape shit when she got home from school...notta. I got a..."Hmmm...I think I like the room this way." What way? Clean? I should hope so...maybe we can try keeping it that way? I give it a week. Tops. For serious.
Let's see....what else did I do? I put away a shit ton of laundry. I organized my closet. I cleaned the dining room. I made all the beds. I petted the puppy. I fixed lunch (don't get all excited...sandwiches.) I created a bed for the kittens. I checked homework. I caught up on my readings. I made a few lists. I thought about doing some other things. I changed my mind.
I even cleaned both bathrooms...I H.A.T.E. cleaning bathrooms. I would rather rip off my arms and soak in a tub of rubbing alcohol. I would rather drink drain cleaner. Hell...I would rather clean my kids sty. OK..all a little extreme..a little. Maybe. But I sucked it up....and cleaned them. And they look fabulous...so fabulous that no one is allowed to piss until the company leaves. Harsh? Not even a little.
Looks like tomorrows to do list consists of deck cleaning, windows, and floor mopping. I am sure that I don't get paid enough for this...do you think if I change my name to Cinderella I can run off with the handsome prince? (I'm pretty sure he already has a maid.) Just wondering.
I am wistfully looking at my bed...I think it misses me. We haven't had much quality time together lately....and since I am too exhausted to share anything wise...or possibly even coherent...I am going to allow the mattress this victory.
So Goodnight and God bless...and see you in the morning!

Oh happy day...

My last post was a bit yucky. My apologies. (To you...not to the douchebag.) Tonight's will be a ton lighter. Short...but sweet!!
It was an amazingly gorgeous day here in my world...so I cheerfully voluntold the family that we were taking "a field trip". They have lived with me long enough to know that those words mean...."mom is gonna take a bunch of pictures and she is making us tag along." True. So I conned manipulated schemed forced invited them to join me at the Botanical Gardens. Loverly! We ALL had a wonderful time, got filled to the brim with sunshiny happiness, and no one died in the process. Success!!!
Oh...and I managed to get a few pictures in the process. I'd say that's a good day.
So...check them out on the Eos Photography blog (ummm tomorrow) or Facebook...whatever poison you prefer..and hopefully they will bring some luminous joy to your life!
Oh...and Happy Pinchy Day!!
Peace.

You know you're a douchebag when...

There are alot of things that piss me off. I'm a bitch so I spend alot of time there. Pissed off and I are really good friends. But you know what REALLY irritates me? Stupid people who turn out to be inconsiderate assholes. Be prepared readers...I am about to go off on a rant.
It all started with the Spring cleaning. I had a shit ton of stuff to go to the dump (or some other unknown unseen region of the world...I don't really care where it goes...as long as it goes.)...lucky for me I live in a town that will pick your shit up for you. So I followed all the rules, I filled out all the forms, I scheduled my pickup, and then I busted my ass getting the shit to the curb. (And by shit I mean: one old washing machine, a functional but outdated TV that was heavy and awkward, a ferret cage, and a set of drawers.) Now, I get that they are trash and that I don't want them anymore...and by all means if you want to be a loser and take my shit help yourself...and I don't care what you do with it....BUT....if you tip the TV over and take out the parts that you want (the parts that will make you some cash for your heroin habit), and in the process you break the glass on the front....you DAMN WELL BETTER NOT LEAVE THAT ON MY FUCKING DRIVEWAY. Because now I have to go out to the curb and pick up broken slivers of glass...with my bare hands....in the dark. Before my kid or my dog or I step on some idiot infested shard of stupid. Or it punctures my tire. Or whatever. Oh...and I have to move all the shit that you left...and piled up on top of my trash can. BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE TO DO IT YOURSELF. Because you are a douchebag asshole. So thank you...Mr. Piece-of-shit-Blazer-ghetto-music-blaring-speeding-through-my-neighborhood...for making me work to fix your dumbfuckery, for creating the homicidal mood I am now in, and for proving..once again..that a good kick in the face is always called for.
OK....that is all. I'm over it now.

A dose of humor...

Just a little something from me to all of you. Call it a gift. Because I'm generous like that.

5 Important Rules For Women:

1. It is important to find a man that helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important to find a man that makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man that you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man that loves you and spoils you.
5. Most important of all is that these four men don't know each other.
~~~Kit Cat

Happy Tuesday!

A step backwards...

I am in a mood. I don't know why that is, or when I got here, or how to fix it. It's just a mood. Maybe it stems from exhaustion, or life, or lack of Amaretto. Whatever it is...I want it to go away. It has however made me do a little deep thinking...I know, I know...big groans from all of you.
I think this all started with a look in the mirror this evening. I have been searching for deep inner peace...but what I have failed to do is to make peace with the past..starting with myself. I need to make peace with the body and face that I was born with..as well as the one that has evolved. I need to embrace the lines forming on my forehead, the parts that sag and stick out where I wish they wouldn't, the hair that never looks quite like I want it to. However, I realize that before genuine peace and love can flourish I need to finally accept myself exactly as I am today....not tomorrow or next week or months from now. I need to remember that acceptance is acknowledging the reality of any situation...I'm heavier than I would like to be, my complexion is weird, I think that's a grey hair, I cannot wear leggings. Whatever.
I need to learn that life battles all of us whether we are rich or poor, fat or skinny, glamorous or frumpy, public or private. The wounds that we suffer may be an open cut or a slow, silent hemorrhage of the soul. But it is still a wound. On the outside I may look like I've got my act together...but occasionally I encounter those dark stormy days when I feel very small, very fragile, and very frightened. Sometimes I think that I could shatter into a thousand pieces at something as simple as "How are you?"
And when this happens...like right now...I need to be kind to myself..not beat myself up. I will leave that to the rest of the world. My feelings are valid, and my fears very real...even though they are probably not based in reality. I need to step back, take a breather, and remember that I don't have to do everything and be everything for everyone else all the time. I do need to be there for myself all of the time. I did not lose myself all at once...I cannot recover myself all at once either. This is the process I need to focus on first and foremost...peace, and love, and happiness will find the way on their own.

...Psalm 68:19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Tonight I pray: O Lord, help me to take opportunities every day, and especially today, to rewind and renew myself in you. Amen.
Thanks everyone for being so patient during my hiatus. It was a difficult time...and while I don't think that I am completely out of the woods...healing has begun.
Goodnight and God bless.

Sharing a thought...

I am borrowing (and paraphrasing) a status from facebook...and applying it here...because I feel as if it needs to be shared.

"In the midst of the tragedies that are going on in the world today...let's stop. Stop dwelling over the past, stop dreaming of the future...appreciate the moment and love the ones that love you today."

Isn't that wonderful advice? Seems as if we could all use a reminder once in awhile. And while my heart (as well as my thoughts and prayers) goes out to those suffering in the world...I also need to remember to take care of my own heart...my own suffering...and my own todays. We could all use a little less apprehension and a little more appreciation. Not just today...but every day.

Spring Cleaning...

I am still technically on hiatus...but I wanted to drop by and say Hallow! It was a great day to throw open the windows and get down to business. Did a shit ton of laundry, purged some closets, and threw away a  big chunk of life. Oh...and the cat had kittens. Awesomely fabulous! (Sarcasm..)
So...the transformations continue...house, heart, and...most importantly...head. Sweeping away the cobwebs, scrubbing up the nooks and crannies, and polishing the silver. There might even be some furniture re-arranging. My life..not just my house...needs some serious "freshening-up". No lie.
So there you have it..more work ahead of me tomorrow. And the next day....and probably the next. Damn...it's a nasty cycle. Maybe I need a maid...and a shrink?
I know that there better...very soon...be some picture taking. Or I am gonna get ugly. Fact.
And the hiatus continues...for now.
But I do miss y'all!!!

Season of Lent...

I don't normally post twice in one day...but I wanted to share with you a brief moment on the subject of Lent. I have been pondering today on what I would "give up" during this season...and I was reminded on more than one occasion that I was not Catholic. Yes, I know this. But it isn't about what religion you practice, what church you practice in, and what reason you practice. It's about the practice. So decisions have been made (I am giving up Amaretto. You can stop laughing...I am for serious. I will undoubtedly replace it with wine...but Jesus approves of wine. So it's all good.)....smudges have been placed on the forehead...and the season begins.
And while I will not be preaching to any of you from here on out (we all know where I stand)...I do want to share with you some interesting readings from this evening. About Lent: 'Our participation in the life, suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is at the heart of the Christian faith. We are delivered from sin through the death and resurrection of Jesus, and by the Holy Spirit we are born into eternal life with God. The seasons of Lent and Easter call us to remember the mystery of our redemption in Christ and to more fully participate in his life-giving spirit. It is also a time for Christians to become engaged in the process of spiritual renewal. The period of Lent is forty days, which recalls Jesus' wilderness fast of Mark 1:13. Lent begins on Ash Wednesday and continues until Easter. The season of Lent is a journey in which we have been given the opportunity to grow closer to God through Jesus Christ. This Lenten season is an opportunity to grow in your faith so that Easter and the resurrection of Jesus might be the glorious celebration of a risen Christ that lives within each of us.' (Rev. Jennifer Vestal Moore)
So my journey begins...I do not expect anyone to come along...it is not required. And in response to my "giving up"....Lent is a time to increase the things of the spirit and decrease the things of the flesh. That pretty much sums it up I think. I continue on...hoping that this will be a time for me to grow by attending to my spiritual practices and lessening my attachment to the material.

...Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Tonight I pray the following prayer:
Lord, journey with me this Lent. May I grow by increasing my spiritual focus and letting go of the material things that often seem so important. Remind me that you are gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. In your grace I am forgiven, made new and made whole. Amen.
Goodnight and blessings to you all.
P.S. Normal hilarity and frivolity to resume following hiatus. Soon. But check everyday...because I am a sucker for blogging! Kisses.

All about me...A-Z...

I am still officially on hiatus...but I just can't stay away! So, while mucking about online I read a blog post from another wonderful blog (Farming on Faith)...and it looked like so much fun that I decided to play along. Maybe it will tide you over until I am smart rested sane not angry lucid peaceful enough to write again. Maybe.

A. Age: 36 (Yikes!)
B. Bed size: Big...until you fill it with 2 people, 1 dog, 1 cat, and a bunch of pillows. (King)
C. Chore you dislike: Cleaning the bathroom...G.ross.
D. Dogs: Zero and Colby
E. Essential start to your day: Coffee...lots and lots of coffee.
F. Favorite Color: Orange
G. Gold or silver: Silver
H. Height: Short. (Let's just go with 5'2)
I. Instruments you play(ed): Oboe
J. Job title: Mom/Girlfriend/Maid/Chauffeur/Banker/Photographer/Blogger
K. Kids: 1 very sweet little girl. (and a small dog)
L. Live: Chaos/Confusion/Circus (AKA a house in Virginia)
M. Mom's name: Grammy
N. Nicknames: I guess that depends on who you ask. (I'm betting some of them aren't very nice. Not that I care.)
O. Overnight hospital stays: A few.
P. Pet peeves: A lot. (my biggest ones right now are people who lack creativity of their own, thereby mooching it from others...and people who don't take responsibility for their own actions.)
Q. Quote from a movie: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it. (Mr. Magorium..Love.)
R. Righty or lefty: Righty (tighty?)
S. Siblings: Only the most awesomest baby brother ever. (Plus a great Sister-In-Law...and 6 newly "adopted" sisters.)
T. Time you wake up: 5, 6:30, 7, 7:15.....my whole life is a process of waking up. Let's just be honest.
U. Underwear: Yes...please...under.
V. Vegetables you don't like: Tomatoes, Peppers, Raw Onions.
W. What makes you run late: Trying to get one more thing done. Or not being able to find my keys.
X. X-Rays you've had: All of them. Mostly.
Y. Yummy food you make: Well...all my food is delicious...but especially my Homemade Potato Soup.
Z. Zoo animal favorite: Penguins!! (giggle font)

Well...there you have it. All about me. What about you?

When in doubt...massage...

I have had a nasty ugly retarded week and after a rough couple of days with a barfing spell...I was ready to unwind. For serious. So following my 'Sacral Stone Massage' this afternoon...I have..well..lots of questions. Because you all know how I am.

1. Where exactly do these rocks come from? Are they special rocks from some Tibetan monastery or can you just buy them in bulk from your local Home Depot? Are they legal? Can you ship them through customs? Did Jesus bless them back in the day? How and why do they work? And who thinks of this..."Hey, dudes, I know! Let's get a bunch of black rocks all hot and stuff and then put them on the ladies. The chicks are gonna luhv us!"...Brilliant. Give this man a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. How do they get these rocks all warm? Are they just dumped in the Crock Pot with some holy water and a tea leaf? Do we get stone soup later? Are they microwave safe?  Or do they just emanate heat...you know...some kind of wicked voodoo rocks?
3. How many people have drooled out of the hole in the bed for my face? Because I am pretty sure I did. Random yes, but vitally important.
4. As my massage goddess is lubing me up in preparation for rock therapy...is she thinking..."you know, with all this oil, if the rocks cook her we could eliminate hunger in at least one underprivileged third world country."? Or is she too focused on greasing up the blubber in case the rocks actually do catch fire and they have to squeeze me out a door? Oh wait, for what I am paying her...she better be adoring all that oily carcass. And another thing....what exactly is she rubbing into my skin right now? Vegetable oil...extra virgin olive oil...whale sperm? Let's be honest..whatever it is conducts heat. Really. Really. Well.
5. What happens if I fart (or make some equally mortifying noise.)? I mean..here I am..nekkid, oily, warm and cozy, and completely totally unequivocally relaxed. It could happen. Oh...don't sit there all uppity and disgusted...you know you were thinking it too. Do I just laugh it off, offer a meek "excuse me", or ignore it altogether? Maybe I just pretend to be asleep? And what happens if it actually smells bad? This is not the zen I am trying to achieve.
6. Whoa whoa and whoa. Is that a muscle right there? Why was I not aware of this until now? And why did I not notice that it hurt until after my massage session? And when, sweet massage lady, you hear that cracking snapping popping noise...be advised those are my bones. I am going to need them later. I am old..be gentle please. I came here to relax...not partake in some kind of ritualistic torture dreamt up by pagan Hitler worshippers. Whatever they told you about me was a lie anyway.
7. What toxins am I expected to release? No lie....I am bothered by this. Gross. Where did these toxins come from? Is someone trying to poison me? Should I change my life insurance? I mean..I know that I have some nasty shit inside me...but toxins? That just makes me sound like some kind of nuclear dump site.
8. Oh, and since we are just heating up some rocks...any chance you could warm up that snarky kidney stone...I mean if she's just gonna take up squatters rights in there..she might as well heat the place up!? Right?

OK...I think that just about covers it. But rest assured, dear readers, that I intend to do some seriously intense follow up research on this matter. I will sacrifice my body for the good of mankind, the further pursuit of knowledge and the fight for peace. No, really. It's no problem at all.

Keep your chin up...

It sounds good. But none of those slick, canned pep talks will get me through this funk. No "Keep the faith"..."It will all be OK"..."You are stronger than you think"...."Have patience." Not working.
I am done. I am done fighting the unseen demon. I am done competing for promises. I am done begging for honesty and change. I am done hurting...done crying...done breaking. I am done being anything less than a priority...done being anything less than important...done being anything less than what I deserve.
I am sad....I am weary...I am humbled...I am exhausted.
I am officially on hiatus.

Insanity to serenity...

As I sit here tonight and think about serenity and what it means, I hear the famous prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr: "God, grant me the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed; Courage to change the things that should be changed; And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other." Oh sure, it's been said and retold countless other ways..but the premise is the same. It has been used by housewives, teachers, and twelve steppers alike...
I believe that the time has come to stop associating serenity with things that cannot be changed. I spend my life focusing and stressing over the things that I can neither change or control. I play the roles...understanding and supportive girlfriend (he lies and cheats), dutiful and obedient daughter (she guilts me), caring and interested friend (really really bored). I can only change my reactions...I can only control my response. So what do I have to do to consciously seek out and restore serenity in my daily life?
Simple: I have to stop behaving and living as a crazy person! I frequently feel as if I am going to spin right off the planet...sometimes I will begin brushing my teeth only to leave the bathroom and start something else entirely, still foaming at the mouth. Why? Because I lack focus, I lack interest, I lack serenity. Before I can even rinse my mouth I am on to another task. My brain functions much the same way. I can't sleep because I am too caught up in all the things I should be doing. Needless to say...a life that is this frenzied can only go from bad to worse. And we are at bad. I don't want to see worse.
This is not how Grace Kelly spent her days. And while I am sure that she had someone else completing her tasks...my point is still valid. Serene women do not become sidetracked. Sidetracked women do not achieve serenity (nervous breakdowns to be sure...but never serenity). I am at breakdown. I want to be at serenity.
So today I begin to recover my sanity, thereby welcoming serenity. I vow to concentrate slowly on one thing...one task...one thought at a time until the day is over. I will act as if I am serene..by bringing all of my attention and awareness to whatever I am doing...whether it is brushing my teeth, or cooking dinner, or putting the child to bed.
I do wonder how I will get everything done if I don't do everything all at once. Is that even legal?

...1 Peter 1:6 Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead.

Tonight I pray for joy and serenity. I pray for calm, for peace, and for completed tasks. I pray for adventure. I pray for knowledge. I pray for safety and security. I pray for those I love, those in need, and those who hurt.
Goodnight and God bless.

Grace...

As we move from February to March, I want to begin by asking for just one day's portion of grace to guide me. I usually do this every morning before facing my day....I stumbled upon the following prayer some time ago...
"Oh, God, give me grace for this day.
Not for a lifetime, nor for next week, nor for tomorrow, just for this day.
Direct my thoughts and bless them,
Direct my work and bless it.
Direct the things I say and give them blessing, too.
Direct and bless everything that I think and speak and do.
So that for this one day, just this one day, I have the gift of grace that comes from your presence."
(Marjorie Holmes)
Now, let me share something I have discovered about grace. In my lifetime, I have been on my knees many times. Gratefully, most of my prayers have been answered as I had hoped. Some were not, or at least not like I expected them to be. Others were delayed until I thought my heart would explode and break. Still others were completely denied. But never have I asked for just one day of grace and not received it. The lesson is knowing that there will be plenty of grace tomorrow too.
So, March has arrived. The last hurrah of winter and the first whisper of spring is in the air. Slowly, my spirit is reawakening, along with the natural world outside, from a long (too long) winter's rest. Branches that just days ago were bare, are now blossoming with new growth. Deep within I feel stirrings of new hope and new dreams. This month I am working on defining, discovering, and distributing serenity. Should be an interesting concept.

...Ephesians 2:8-10 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Tonight I pray for continued grace...whether just for today or tomorrow. I pray for lessons. I pray that I may continue to serve, to understand, and to endure. I pray that I may find healing and comfort in the days ahead. I pray for warmer weather, sunshine, blue skies, and birds singing. I pray for my heart and the hearts of those I love.
Oh...and dear readers...the next few days will be interesting blogging. Stay tuned for that.
Goodnight and God bless.