A lesson in frustration.....

I have been concerned for some time now about my mental state. You see....I think I am going crazy. Bonkers. Insane. I hear imaginary ringing. I call people by the wrong name..or worse yet, I confuse people and pets. I forget things..little things..like where I put my car keys and bigger things..like paying a bill. Sometimes I forget conversations, I can read an entire chapter in my book and forget what I've read. I have even forgotten to eat. I don't sleep..and when I do, I am plagued with nightmares. I make lists now...grocery lists, to-do lists, laundry lists. I fear burning down the house, overdosing on medication, or losing my way home...all because my brain is evidently taking a holiday. I hope that it is warm and that it is staying somewhere all inclusive!
It is frustrating....knowing that there is something wrong..but not knowing how to fix it, where to start, where to go, who to trust. I don't LOOK crazy, I don't ACT crazy, I don't even SOUND crazy. But in my brain....loony bin central. They say that admitting it is the first step...right?
So it was a ho hum day here in my world. Things still haven't settled from the atom bomb dropped here last evening..that fall out is a bitch. Still a little hazy and a lot chaotic. I drank most of the day..seemed like a good idea. Probably won't feel that way tomorrow..but..well. There is so much anger right now...I have it, he has it, she obviously has it. Funny that none of it is directed in the same place.....OK, maybe not funny...but worth mentioning anyway. This anger is counterproductive for me...I am trying to look inward, to find my peace, to let go of the toxins that are poisoning me. So...I did my readings...hoping to find a moment of clarity...and there it was.....
I mentioned that I am re-reading the Bible nightly...I have found a wonderful study program that maps out specific readings on specific days. (This is beneficial to the OCD side of my personality!) When I first started this venture..I was using my beautiful..but terribly confusing King James Edition. I have since traded that in for my Student Bible...New International Version. The beauty is that this tome gives me questions...makes me think...wants me to delve further into what I am reading and how it makes me feel. Tonight it made me cry...it was clear..right there on the page...the words that I needed to read and understand.
Tonight's reading was Psalm 4...I don't particularly need to share it with you. But the study afterward is important...' Is anger sinful? No, though it can certainly lead to sin. This prayer depicts anger springing from anxiety, which proves especially troublesome on sleepless nights. The psalm suggests that, rather than venting your worry in outbursts against others, you should examine your own heart.'

....Psalm 4:7-8: You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Amen. All that praying and searching my heart lead me to this passage..which lead to real emotion. I pray that God continues to show me healing by teaching me His word. I pray that I continue to see the path ahead of me..that I am able to lead as well as follow...and that for every stumble there is stability.
One last thought I leave with you this evening...not my own...but wise nonetheless. "People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead." Edith Wharton
Always thought provoking...this little blog of mine.
Goodnight and God bless.