Sundays are for lazy...

I spent the entire day in my jammies! Yes...you read that right...the ENTIRE day. In my jammies. It was wonderful.  He made coffee, he cooked, he cleaned...bliss I tell you. I made a present for small, I wrapped what was left to wrap, I worked a word search. All in my jammies. I can't stop saying that....
Since small spent the night at her besties house last night...we couched out today and watched serial killer movies all day...serial.killer.movies. I asked at one point if I should be worried...was there a psychotic break looming in my future...I got a crooked smile and a meager laugh. I'm not sure that was the answer I was looking for...but since I was in my jammies...I let it go. It was a good day.
And I can officially say that Christmas has arrived at my house. I am done buying, I am done wrapping, I am done. On the 12th of the month. That in itself is a miracle of epic proportions. Now..I just have to get through the parties and the baking...ho ho ho.
If only those magic elves would come and clean my house...and go to the grocery...and fix my truck. THAT would be a great gift from Santa..are you reading this Santa? Please loan me one or two elves...I promise I will return them immediately after Christmas. Wait....how much do elves eat?
Now would be a great time to mention that Eos is bored. I need something random and creative to work on. Quickly. This wandering around with nothing to do is getting old. All suggestions are welcome....(if I can do it in my jammies...that would be even better!)
Seems like a good place to stop for the evening. I am off to put on jammies and go to bed. Oh wait...I never took them off...have I mentioned that?
Goodnight and God bless.

'Tis the season...

The elves have been uber busy this year...and with a few exceptions the finish line is in sight. Who knew it was possible to get everything done before Santa's workshop closed for the year? A few days in the kitchen and I will have this holiday season "wrapped" up....shew. Not a snowfall too soon either...
Things have been slower than normal here of late. Quiet almost. (are you knocking on wood?) Not that I am complaining..with all the upcoming excitement..it's nice to relax and enjoy these small moments. I have been reflecting alot on the things that I am thankful for...a cozy home, loyal friends, a loving family. Maybe I lose sight of these blessings from time to time....but I do recognize the meaning that they have for me.
I am realizing (as the year ends) that I have been imperfect, impossible, impertinent. I have squandered away gifts that were bestowed upon me. I have come to terms with the anger I have held on to, the betrayals I have manufactured, and the wrongs I have failed to right. I understand that I am hard to live with, harder still to love. I intend to work on that...or die trying.
Maybe it's the Christmas spirit taking over, maybe it's the promise of a new year and a new beginning, maybe it's the cold weather snapping my brain into compliance...whatever the cause...I recognize the effect.
So...we will see what tomorrow brings....a new outlook, acceptance, forgiveness? Or maybe just some snow?
Sounds like a new blog post....
Goodnight and God bless.

Homicidal Rage Anyone?...

Let me clear this up right away...I am NOT in the Christmas spirit. I want to be..really I do..but it isn't happening. And you can't make me. I thought I was trying...I went shopping today..it didn't go well. I wanted to buy a gun, camp out in the Christmas section with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and kill anyone that spoke to me. Instead, I came home and put on my pyjamas and wrapped some presents and plotted and schemed and planned my defense. Maybe it's the mood I've been in for the last few days, maybe it's the shitty weather outside, maybe it's the continuing pain in my stomach or the constant disappointments in my life...but I have decided that smothering him with a pillow while he sleeps is rational. (I'm joking about that last part...sort of...a little...no really...completely kidding.)
So there is Christmas. I am buying, I am shopping, I am wrapping. For her, for him, for them....it's fun. I guess. I have lists, I have ideas, I have suggestions. I am a little excited for the homemade gifts I am planning. While I don't see the cost effectiveness of this mindset..I am hoping it will provide some quality time with Small in the kitchen. And WHO couldn't use more quality time? I mean, really? And I am such a joy lately...
Hell, even the dog has noticed. Well....had he not decided to piss on my tree, I could have avoided the beating and given him lots of puppy smooches. As it is...I fear for the gifts that I so delicately and lovingly wrapped. Or for Pissy McWhinesAlot. Yes...I went there.
Oh...and let's discuss finances. Good news A....she's keeping the car. So no car payment for us. Bad news A....she's not making the payments. Correction...she DID make a payment today...but she is still behind...and we all know how confident I am in her skills as a fully functioning adult. Good news B....Eos is popular. I mean busy busy busy popular. Bad news B....Eos doesn't pay shit. I love taking pictures...I would love it more if I was rolling in funds for it. Someone please tell me that eventually this will be a lucrative venture....please. Because the thought of finding a "real job" is NOT appealing to me...ever. So right now the bills are paid (barely), the masses are clothed and fed (thank goodness) and there is a little (and by that I mean small, tiny, minuscule...) left over. I keep hoping that the bank Gods will show me some mercy and "accidentally" misread my account number, thereby depositing a hefty sum of cash. Evidently MY bank is very advanced, thus preventing such errors. Figures.
There are, play along here people, some positives happening in the near future. Positive being a relative term.....positive for me...maybe not so much for others. Remember fire and brimstone? Hell hath no fury? Happy wife, happy life? HA!!! I forsee so much blogging......so, so much. This ride is gonna be a B.U.M.P.Y one.....could even improve my disposition...it can't possibly get any worse...right?
Yeah...I'm dreaming.
You know the sign off......

Tuesday...the second Monday of the week...

So....seems as if I hate Tuesdays too. Today started out much like yesterday...figure the odds. I am starting to think I would be better off to stay in bed with a book and my own thoughts....maybe I will try that.  I just can't see the benefit to getting up, dealing with the day, putting on a happy face....just to find myself weary, hurting, cranky, and back to starting at the beginning. Not that I have a problem with the beginning.
It's been a strange week...full of ups and downs, highs and lows, victories and defeats. And actually...what is considered a victory anymore? Never mind...that is stuff of other blogs.
Had some good alone time today...took a hot bath, went to the grocery (ah, the joys of a quiet grocery and the smell of crabs in Old Bay...yum), read my book. I only took a few doses of painkillers (this is the way I judge my days now....).  I suppose tomorrow will be a day filled with chores of all kinds (cleaning the kitchen, putting laundry away, making beds...the list is endless...). I think I am planning potato soup and homemade bread for dinner. And as I sit here and write this, I decide that a nice walk on the beach might be on the agenda for tomorrow as well. Looks like I will be more than busy enough.
The week does hold some promise for improvement though. I have a photo session on Thursday and a day with family and friends. There is nothing that I enjoy more than time behind the lens of my camera. So I suppose that should give me reason to pause and reflect on my joys. I want to take a moment and discuss....someone called me a "photographer" the other day. I hesitate to call myself that...I am a person who enjoys photography....PhotographER implies knowing what you are doing. Which I clearly do not. I take the use of the word from someone else as a compliment...but in my reality I am merely a girl with a camera. But thank you anyway.
This looks like a good place to end for the evening. Here's hoping that tomorrow finds peace...
Goodnight and God bless.

Monday Again?....

Where does this Monday keep coming from? It blindsides me every time. I think I am ready...but NO...not for Monday. In fact, I have decided that Monday is directly proportionate to Hell. Yep. That's what I have decided.
Not that I really have all that much to complain about I guess.....I slept in this morning (I guess....technically if you are awake until 5am and sleep until 9am does that count as sleeping in?), I ran some errands, I cleaned the kitchen. It's not like I have to DO anything...I'm just mad at Monday for principle. So here I sit blogging about how much I hate Mondays...
It seems as if Monday is directly to blame for my mood. Not the phase of the moon, not the planetary alignments, not the flu that I am fighting off. Monday. It has caused me to be angry, to yell, to cry, to say things that I do truly regret, and to be uncharacteristically mean. Damn you Monday. You are screwing with my life.
But it feels odd to blame a day for my mood. There are much more likely causes.....her, him, them. Oh the list I could make. But, just for the sake of argument, let's go back to blaming Monday. And weirder still is the fact that Monday is not even the first day of the week..it's the second (for those of you keeping track. And don't give me a bunch of historical mumbo jumbo disputing that Monday is actually the first day of the week..this is MY blog.)..seems as if Monday should be less nasty. Figure that the week gets better the closer it gets to ending right? So...by that theory, Sunday should be the worst day..with Monday progressively better. Hmmm.
But wait! Monday IS responsible for Monday Night Football. I stand corrected. I am sorry, Monday. I have hated you today (and many other days)...and I see the error of my ways. I repent. I beg for forgiveness.
Now....what can I hate about Tuesday?

Feast or Famine?...

Oh my goodness! Have you missed me? Feels like FOREVER since I've been here...so much has been happening!! I know I asked for a little more excitement....did you catch that? A LITTLE more excitement...not a big truckload of it dumped on the front yard! So, let's get right to it....
Eos has been overwhelmed with requests for photos! Such a blessing. And they keep coming...we have a photo shoot next week, a series of random sets in the upcoming days, and a holiday portrait session in early December. I am truly blessed and thankful that this opportunity has been given to me...and my families have been a true joy. I spent a BUSY weekend in Tennessee with my lovely family and some (newly made) wonderful friends. I cannot begin to describe the joy that I find with them....and this time of year? Oh...the sights were a dream! They had a wonderful photo session and I am looking forward to more time with them very soon. I had the pleasure of capturing some dear children recently...and ah...baby fever has set in. (More on that to follow...) I also received an invitation to attend a gathering of local small businesses run by women...a networking session if you will. What an honor....I am delighted to accept.
I am also looking forward to the upcoming holidays. Now usually, I am the LAST person to say that. No really..and despite the headaches that I foresee I think this year will be interesting. Now, there is alot to say here....don't get me wrong. There have been some strong winds blow through this house...and some upheaval....and some changes. And I am here to tell you that in a matter of days...well...that is a different blog altogether. Suffice it to say that things are about to get increasingly ugly and possibly more difficult.....and the holidays will be the beginning. Aren't YOU excited? ME TOO!!! We will talk about it more later.
So there is another trip south planned soon. You know..a "keep her happy, keep the peace" trip. I wish I could say that it is welcome news....but, well....it's the calm before the storm. I pray for strength and clarity and the ability to remain silent. (It COULD happen.). There will, I have no doubt, be more on this in future blogs.
I have talked before of my stress regarding our finances...and unfortunately I don't see that the light at the end of the tunnel is any brighter, closer, or more attainable. I think we have settled into a comfortable routine, however the poor house is not a fun place to dwell. So...while I am excited about the holidays, I am also realistic enough to know that they will be LEAN ones this year. I think I am reasonably accepting of this fact...I am not sure that Small will be so understanding. Ah...the joys of grown-up-ed-ness. (Sarcasm font).
Oh...and let me just discuss the fact that I have recently been seen by, yet another, physician...in another specialty...to tell me that there isn't anything wrong with me. Thank you so much Oh Great And Powerful Wizard. I am positive that I have never been to medical school...I am also positive that there is something wrong with me. I am also pretty positive on the solution to this problem. The lack of medical school aside....give me a scalpel. Oh and maybe some painkillers (I am after all burning through them pretty quickly.) I got this......so, now I am at a dead end, brick wall, electric barbed wire fence. Looks like I am going to live with constant pain and learn to like it!!!
So.....that seems like an adequate beginning to the chaos of the past few weeks. And as the title of this blog implies..it is all or nothing around here! I will attempt to rectify my spotty blogging history and keep this up to date....my sincerest apologies (and that goes in advance...just in case!!).
As always...keep your hands in the car, your seat backs and tray tables in the upright and locked position, and remain seated until we come to a complete (and undoubtedly sudden) stop. Until then...thanks for coming along!

Is this thing on?...

If you sit and stare at a blank computer screen...is it writers block, or bloggers block? Either way...I have it. I have that gnawing sense that I SHOULD be writing something, that I SHOULD be witty and funny and creative. Nope...still nothing. What is the problem? Have I not had enough wondrous adventures and heartbreaking letdowns? Where does the good stuff come from if not from real life? And I have a plethora of reality...seriously.....here....have some of my reality. I'm giving it away...free of charge.
On a side note...my small and I are in the car today (not a shocking event in and of itself...) and she says from the back seat..."Mom, I am confused." (Dear Lord, me too. Oh wait....what?) Me: "Yes, my darling precious...what could you possibly be confused about?" Her: "Well....isn't it October?" Me: "Yes." Her: "Well...I just saw red Christmas lights on that house." Me: "Are you sure they weren't orange Halloween lights?" Her: "Really mom?" Me: "Well...yes?" Her: "Nope. Red Christmas lights." Me: "I think maybe orange Halloween lights." Her: "I can't win this can I?" Me: "I doubt it." Her: hysterical giggles and (I think) an eye roll in my direction. What just happened? That's funny though.
So back to my writers/bloggers block. I will admit that I have been uncharacteristically  (oooo...that's a big word...I'm going to need to spell check that one!) busy of late. Dinner parties, homework, travel, facebooking, photo editing. I have played housewife, mommy, chauffeur, therapist, best friend, photographer. Notice that "blogger" is conveniently missing from the list? It has been a busy week....and still, as I search the recesses of my memory bank, I sit with not one creative thought brewing in my skull socket. What has the world come to?
Another side note...evidently we have the "terrible twos" at my house. My diva weenie (who just had a birthday last week...) refuses to go down the stairs. Really? He must be carried and held and comforted....I presume he has fallen and thus is traumatized....but now I must deal with fleas AND a pathological fear of stairs? When does the madness end? Good thing he is cute and loves his mommy.....
And back to the staring.....
My brain hurts....
I will be creative tomorrow. Ummm...yeah...that's it. Tomorrow.

The happy train...

So it occurs to me today that I have been waiting...just sitting here, waiting. Waiting for what, you ask? I am waiting for the happy train....you know...the magical train (think Hogwarts Express for adults!) that will whisk me away to a far off land filled with puffy clouds and sunshine and fairies. Where kings and princes woo me, where I am fed bountiful feasts, where there is music and dancing and celebration. (maybe I have been watching too much Tudors...). I am waiting for a morning where lost shoes mysteriously re-appear, an afternoon where the house has wished itself clean and dinner has cooked itself, and an evening where everyone is calm and relaxed and tucked into their own beds peacefully and quietly. I am waiting for that one way ticket to appear...do you think it got lost in the mail?
And it is always something....I will be happy when I don't have to work. Done. I will be happy when this deployment is over. Done. I will be happy when school starts again. Done. I will be happy when...when...when. I'm not happy. So I keep waiting on the train....the lost train for which I still have no ticket.
And then it hits me....hard....wait a minute. I can BE happy.....if I want to be. I can wait forever for the train (which, by the way, I have decided isn't coming..shocking I know.)...or I can create my own happy. It might not be conventional happy. It might not be convenient happy. Hell, it might not even be REAL happy. But, it can be MY happy.
I can sleep in if I want to. I can eat cookies and cake for breakfast. I can watch smutty miniseries on TV in my living room in my pyjamas. I can wander aimlessly, I can talk to myself, I can color outside the lines. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. Because I CAN. So there....
So all this time that I have been waiting, I have been wasting all these really good opportunities to tell life to cram it...reality sucks. My version is way better...more creative, more fun...more everything. I choose to find happiness...to hunt it down and haul it home and make it my slave. I choose to make happiness work for me...I'm tired of waiting for it to make time for me. I demand more than my fair share!!!
But train...if you are on your way here.....could you pick me up a grande mocha latte for the trip? Smoochies!

I should blog...but...

OK..Wednesday. I feel like I should blog..but I don't really know what to say. Not feeling funny, not feeling smart, not feeling anything really. Oh, except the pain in my stomach. Yeah...I feel that.
So a steady dose of Vicodin...a little Ativan...oh, a pinch of something for the nausea...concoctions and brews abound...makes for alot of deep unconsciousness. I suppose it keeps me out of trouble. And really..it's hard to be angry when you are asleep.
Not much to tell from my world...eating, sleeping, reading, watching the occasional miniseries (I am completely engrossed right now in the Tudors...lush, opulent, of questionable historic merit!). Throw in a little cooking and cleaning....that pretty much covers all the bases.
The bright spot to this week is the upcoming trip to Tennessee to visit my sweet family. Seeing my precious nephew is joy enough...but I also get to take some family photos! So Eos will be busy as well.....always a positive. I derive so much pleasure from photography...the perfect escape from my reality.
Well......medicines are telling me that this will be a very short blog today. I will attempt some creative storytelling tomorrow!
Goodnight and God bless.

Insomnia vs. Ativan...

Well...here it is, the middle of the night. I am exhausted..but can't sleep. Story of my life. Laying in bed crying doesn't seem to be working..nor is it productive..so let's try this. Surely blogging will help....
I am a wreck. I am preparing for a breakdown of cosmic proportions. I am delusional...I am paranoid....I am not sleeping (hence the midnight blogging)..I am afraid every time I leave the house...I see her everywhere and I am convinced she follows me. I constantly look over my shoulder, waiting for something...anything. This is not rational behavior...and she is winning whatever battle she has begun. I am too tired to fight her...let alone defeat her. And I'm not even really sure that I want to or care.
How could this happen? I can tell you the exact moment that it began...it remains as raw and fresh today. It truly consumes me...I am obsessed and haunted by it. It invades every moment of my life.....
Why wasn't I enough? Why didn't you love me enough? Why wasn't the life I offered enough? What hold did she have that was greater than us? Why is it STILL greater than us? How could you? After all the pain and hurt and distrust that she created in you...that I begged you to let me heal.....how could you have so much contempt for me to do the same? How could you shatter my already fragile heart? A heart that you promised to protect and hold.
I have been unable to move on...to forgive...to forget. I am angry, and hurt, and bitter. I hate her...and I hate you for what you did. I hate who it makes me. I hate the hold that it has on my life. I hate that you are blind and deaf to it.
And while I want to blame her...and you...for all this pain, and heartbreak, and misery....maybe it IS me. Maybe it was me that drove you to her. Maybe it was me that created the void that she filled. Maybe it was me that didn't love you enough, or offer you enough, or hold you enough. Maybe it is my heart...maybe it is my head...maybe it is my hurt. Is it possible that this is punishment for some past wrong? Is it possible that I invited this into my life? Is it possible that I am not the victim...? Is it possible that this was the path that I was intended to follow...for some greater knowledge? Is it possible that I am still learning, still searching, still recovering? Or was I...am I...just an afterthought?
Did you consider the consequences? Do you even think of them now? Or are you so confident that you don't see the end result? You didn't love me enough then....why should you now?
You have managed to break my spirit...but not my wings. But not for lack of trying.
So....there it is. Maybe you deserve each other. Maybe you should let go of my heart and follow yours. Maybe you should start being honest with yourself...or with me. Or with her.
And just in case she is reading this (which I believe she is...)....know that you made your decision long ago. It is time for you to live with the chaos that you created. Make your peace with Karma.....and do it soon.
......to be continued........

I'm too old for this blankety blank blank......

So here I sit....the end of another LONG week...feeling bad because I am so behind on my blogging. I will attempt to rehash the nastiness that was my week...without boring you to tears.
We have already discussed Monday. Eww. No thank you. Tuesday finds us awake and still hurting...really?...3 days worth? Off to the Emergency Room!! Nine long drug hazed hours later, I am released with the knowledge I already possessed...thank you ER Gods for your wisdom and mercy. So..one kidney stone later...
I do want to point out how irritating it is that I am trying to become a more peaceful and lovable me and the world seems bent on preventing this. I mean really....all I want is everyone to do what I tell them to do, when I tell them to do it, and be happy about it. What is so difficult about this? Let's maybe try that out this coming week...hmmm? Trust me on this one....
Ah Wednesday! The bright spot in my week. I was invited to a great concert with my best chum...and we lived it up! Even my snarky ill tempered kidney stone enjoyed the night out! I got some great pictures for the photography website and even managed an almost full night of sleep.
And then the sun came up on Thursday....and shone on a neglected and forlorn household. Dishes in the sink, dirt on the floors, laundry in mountains of all shapes and sizes. When did this happen? Who gave the maid the day off? Whoa whoa whoa....it occurs to me....I AM THE MAID. Dammit.
So....cleaning is in my future. Or delegating...yeah..there was some of that. Because a girl has priorities..like movies, and sleeping, and facebooking, and photo editing. I am busy here. But mostly the house got cleaned.
Friday...absolutely nothing happened. Weird. I am actually sitting at the end of it and I can't even remember the middle of it. I think I managed to clean the kitchen, put away the laundry and squeeze in a few episodes of a great miniseries.
Tomorrow is packed with activity....errands and photo ops with the bestie, happy homemaker in the afternoon, and dinner guests in the evening. Should provide for much blog fodder....
There you have it...my week in a cracked and gruesome nutshell. I am looking forward to some downtime this weekend...a recharge and restart for next week. I am getting back on track for the cheery and upbeat...I am getting back in the groove...I am kicking the bullshit to the curb. Yep...you read that right. Should be a wild and crazy ride...you coming with?
...goodnight and God bless!

Are you kidding me?...

I swear that today must be a Monday...oh wait, it is. So, let's not even discuss the fact that it is...once again...raining. And let's leave out the ever worsening, debilitating painful parts. Oh, and the dog has fleas. What is left?? Hmmmm....a quandary.
Let's focus on the positives...shall we? I spent some time in the kitchen today-made a HUGE pot of vegetable beef soup...just like my mommas. Good ole comfort food. It was lovely...house to myself, sound of the rain outside (boo) and a knife on the cutting board. Had a small friend over for dinner...little girl chatter is always therapeutic. Oh, and let's not forget about the brownies and Irish coffee that I had for dessert. Yep...that helped.
I worked on some photos this evening. I tweaked the blog. I found some great creative ideas online. I watched some episodes of my favorite show (thank you Netflix). My house is relatively clean, the fridge is stocked, I have tomorrow nights dinner prepped, and everyone is in peaceful slumber. I guess my job here is done. Except for that flea problem.
So I might start some projects tomorrow. Looking at some Halloween and Christmas things. I've never really been the "crafty" type...but who knows? Might as well give this whole "stay at home mom" thing a go. I might even be good at it....
Not much else to tell y'all about tonight...here's hoping for blue skies and cheery blogs tomorrow!
As always...goodnight and God bless.

The root of all funkyness...

I know I said, dear readers, that this blog was dedicated to finding peace and tranquility..learning how to let go of the anger and hate...creating a new and improved version of me. Well...under normal circumstances this is true.....but not today. Not this blog....
It has been raining for 5 days here in my world....this does NOT make for a happy girl. Sure, I love a good thunderstorm now and then...snuggled up on the sofa, homemade soup, a nice crackling fire.....but 5 days? Really? Enough..please.
And then there is the underlying issue. It is always there...brewing, bubbling, waiting ever so patiently for the crack in the foundation. The crack has become a chasm....
Once again, I have let my heart rule my head. And once again, I am hurt, and disappointed, and angry, and broken. What is so difficult about this? Follow through, do what you say you are going to do...what you say you WANT to do, do what is right, and true, and noble. Here's what I don't get.....when do I start to really matter? When is it that the actions go with the words? When does the reality become bigger than the illusion? I get that letting go is hard...Jesus, how many times have I had to do it? How many times have I walked away because it was the better option? Evidently not enough...I don't leave. I stay and suffer in silence. I bite my tongue, I close my heart, I allow the hurt to consume me and swallow me. But...I recognize the signs...
Love has basic principles...trust, passion, commitment, loyalty. When these principles are given to you, you return them...unconditionally, willingly, unwavering. Love is a precious gift..once you have begun to chip away its core, you open it to chaos. That is when it becomes unbearable, unpreditable, unstable.
And at the root of the problem is the heart..... I gave mine...whole, and pure, and trusting, and honorable...and the pieces that I am left with continue to find treacherous waters and dangerous shores. How can I heal my heart...why should I bother?
I truly thought that my life was complete...that I had searched and suffered enough...that peace remained in my soul. But this constant turmoil, this perpetual heartbreak, this unending bitterness, consumes me. I see it...I recognize its influence...I suffer because of it. And yet, I hold the power to release it...to free us both from its clutches...if I so choose. I suspect that I surrendered to it long ago...the inability to distinguish this fact is what creates the void betwen us...a void that I can never fill, or fix, or forget, or forgive.
I suffer still....silently, painfully, in constant agony. I am bitter, and angry, and broken.  I could have loved. I could have healed the wounds. I could have restored the faith. I could have been everything that we are becoming...and all that we have been. I could have held on forever.
Somehow, this blog post has turned into the window to my heart. I am slowly learning how to release you, how to release the pain and suffering you bring, how to release the ties that bind you to me..and me to you. I am learning to be strong on my own. I am learning to navigate the waters. I am learning to find contentment within my own soul. I am learning how to belong to the world....
I still seek peace and comfort...I still wonder and wait...I still believe that it is out there. But I realize that I can no longer allow my heart to navigate the journey...for my heart is lost within its own storm. The skies rage and rumble...and until I can quiet the turmoil that surrounds us..we will forever drown in our own good intentions.
So we shall see...

My gentle musings...

I am blogging early today readers...so much in my head and on my heart. I have so many emotions that I need to explore and define...in order to acknowledge what presence they keep and to release what demons they contain.
My life has been fairly figured out and straight-forward for some time now. Oh sure, there are monkey wrenches and hiccups, but for the most part I am confident of where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. My heart is an open book of sorts...I trust, I love, I believe. I have hopes and dreams, I wander and settle, I crave and am satisfied. I know my limits, my imperfections, my difficulties. I understand the reality that is me, the good..the bad...the ugly. Part of this journey has been learning and discovering how to be happier with myself in order to share that happiness with others. Peace and contentment, in order to be expressed, must first be exposed.
I know that in the course of my days I have been affected by others. I have allowed heartbreak, mistrust, abuse, and anger to define who I am and what I perceive. I have loved with conditions, given with expectations, followed hesitantly and led blindly. This is not the legacy that I want to leave.
Trust is a desperate soul. It seems so willing, so eager. But once broken it is cruel and intolerable...the lesson is crushing and difficult. And it is so painfully irreversible. I have let trust invade my being...I have given it, I have taken it, I have lost it and hated it. I wonder if I shall ever mistake it again.
Passion is a dangerous beast. It holds my convictions, it possesses my heart, it influences my emotions. Once felt and desired, it cannot be easily released. I have discovered it, I have provided it, I have contained it and sheltered it.
Love is a fickle being. It can be born in your heart-grow and brew there forever. Or it can occur from somewhere obscure and unknown...messy and unexpected. It is always dangerous, seldom forgiving, never uncomplicated. I have known great love...deep, consuming, painful, encompassing...I have searched for it, I have fought for it, I have changed for it and because of it.
Anger is a fiery ghost. Just when you think it will consume you completely, it relinquishes its control...it finds a safe harbor...it reminds you that it is there-quietly. It is more patient than I...I have felt it, I have gathered it, I have used it and stored it away.
These are the lessons I am contemplating on this dreary Tuesday afternoon...what to keep and what to release, what to cherish and what to condemn, what to resurrect and what to bury.
My heart is full...

A quiet Monday evening....

As I prepare for bed, I just want to quickly leave a few notes here for you, dear readers. I have had a calm day...made a pot of homemade soup for dinner, baked an apple crisp, cleaned and decorated my house. Spent a lovely evening snuggled up on the couch with the family...enjoying a movie and popcorn. Times like these remind me that I am thankful, and fortunate, to be who I am.....and to be blessed with people that love me and precious moments to savor.
A dear friend of mine received some heart-warming news today...I pray that it is contagious. Actually I have a rather long list of prayers this evening. And while I am overjoyed with the progress I have been making...my road to peace and quiet is winding and uphill....let's hope that the stumbles of the day are replaced with stable footing tomorrow. Oh, and a blue sky would be great too!
A short chapter tonight....my apologies. I am much fatigued and know that a good nights sleep is in order.
As always...goodnight and God bless.

A Flurry of Happiness.....

It has been a busy couple of days...and I am so sorry that I am behind on my blogging...but I promise to catch you all up...
Thursday was a great first day of the "new and improved" life. I am feeling lighter, happier, more productive, more myself.  Friday was a wonderful day...the weather was beautiful, I got some things crossed off my 'would like to do' list, and took my Small to her first concert. What a joyous time that I got to spend with her enjoying music that we both love...truly an experience we will both treasure always. (and I think I only managed to embarrass her once....maybe I am not so bad at this!).
Saturday morning I travelled to North Carolina to visit dear family members and celebrate a milestone birthday. It was lovely to be around people who know me and love me...and how I enjoy listening to the stories from my youth!! I am blessed to have such a wonderful circle of family and friends...and in true Norwegian format we drank and talked late into the night....
I have a very busy week ahead.....my brain is full of projects and recipes...the smell of Fall in the air inspires me to create and inspire and celebrate. I am looking forward to upcoming visits with cherished friends and family. I have begun working on some Christmas lists. I am enjoying the discovery of my inner peace.
Tomorrow comes early...and the day will be long...so I am going to end tonights chapter here.
As always...goodnight and God Bless.

Bliss: Day 1.....

So far so good....I've been playing Betty Crocker Homemaker all week...actually I've been enjoying it very much. I've made some wonderful meals...getting ready to put a big ole pot of homemade potato soup on. Thinking of doing some baking even....nothing like a flour covered apron to soothe a weary soul. Found the box of Halloween decorations and will be working on the house tomorrow....
I recently took a "sabbatical" from work...health induced. I have really been feeling sorry for myself because our income has suffered, but today I am feeling different. I am enjoying being a stay at home mom again...I like being here when small gets home from school. I enjoy the smell of fresh baked goodies in the kitchen. I like walking the dog and feeding the cats and perusing the grocery aisles. I take my time, I slow down, I savor each moment. I am spending quality time alone with myself and my thoughts...I am learning how to relax.
I have been reading so much more lately too....right now, I am working on a stack of books on my bedside table. Expect book reviews to be forthcoming in future blogs.
I am also rediscovering my relationship with God. Now, I am not one of those preachy people...so I may never discuss it again...I believe what I believe, I believe that faith can be a private and personal affair...and mine is..but it is there, and it is real.....and I am better I think because of it. So I will follow my heart on this one.
This time has also allowed me to develop (no pun intended) my hearts passion...photography. While it is still merely a hobby of mine...I now have more time to devote to my art....and my eye is random. So I have already had my first "official" photo shoot (it went very well and the pictures were beautiful...more them than me!!)...and I am in discussions for a couple more. So Eos is up and running...let's hope it continues to bless my life and my heart.
Well....so much yet to do this evening....so I will close this chapter.
As always, thank you for traipsing along....God bless.

Begin at the beginning...

That sounds easy enough...the beginning. And what beginning do you choose?...the beginning of your life, the beginning of your story, the beginning of your past? Seems like all those beginnings should converge and become an ending...but alas. Not for this...not yet. So I will attempt to tell my story, broken paragraphs, run-on sentences, and unfinished chapters included. This is my manuscript...and you, dear reader, are my editor.
I don't rightly know what parts of my chaotic world are interesting to the outside...but from in here? SHEW! A girl could use a break! It has been brought to my attention recently that I tend to be too negative, that I am only hurting myself. Probably. I have been very angry for awhile now, I have been hurt, I have been neglected, I have been bruised, battered and broken. It's time to let all that go!!! So, in the interest of learning how to close that chapter..how to move beyond what I have always known and accepted, how to become the person that I hold myself to be......I am moving on. I have decided that this blog is dedicated to a simpler life, a better life, and a calmer life. I will learn from it, I will use it to teach others, I will grow and blossom from the knowledge that I am not defined by what I see...by what I hear...or by what I am withheld. I am greater than the sum of my obstacles. That is the beginning that I am focusing on.....
So...beloved readers...this blog will be my progress report. I will fill it with things that make me happy, lessons I have learned, people that I love, stories that beg to be shared and cherished. I will give you whatever lies in my heart...whatever peace finds me...whatever joys have blessed my days.
It will be an uphill journey...there will be tears and triumphs. I will celebrate every victory, every kindness, every moment...I will endure, I will survive, I will love. This is where I begin to LIVE.......