Conversations with myself...

Before I begin tonight's blog, I need to let you all know that I will be away for a few days. I am taking a much needed, much anticipated vacation. I know I just missed a week of blogging not so long ago...but the flu doesn't count as a vacation! So the ground rules have been laid and the bags are packed. Know that I will keep up on my reading and my journaling...and I will have much to share when I return. Try not to miss me too much!!
So recently my dear, sweet cousin let me in on a little secret. She keeps a "thankful journal" in which every day she writes down things that she was thankful for. This is a brilliant idea...thank you Sweets for the suggestion! It seems as if most of my adult life I have passionately resisted keeping a journal of my own. It seemed like too much effort and I really don't have the time to devote...nor do I want to read, many years from now, about all the trials and tribulations I have..presumably, hopefully...left behind. Not that I don't have alot to say...you know I do. I thought that this blog was my journal of sorts...but I realize and understand now that it isn't enough. I am now aware of all the conversations that I continuously carry on with myself. There is rarely a quieting of my mind. Instead I hear..."The dog is acting funny, I wonder if he is sick? Am I ever going to get paid again? The living room furniture is looking a little shabby. What don't I know?"...and so forth. I have discovered that my mind will grab hold of a single thought and not let go till I am either exhausted or disinterested.
So...here I am desperate to quiet the the voice in my head. I found an empty journal and began having it out on paper. Everything that I have been worried about spilled out in a rapid stream of consciousness. What I learned was that I was not so much simply recording the events in my life...but I was eliminating the mental chaos that is depleting my creative energy and driving me crazy. I was learning to let it go so that I can get on with it...my day, my life, sleep...whatever. The writer Jessamyn West advised "Groan and forget it." She's right.
Psychologists tell us we need to perform a new behavior for twenty one days before it becomes habitual. So my challenge to myself is to write...every day...for twenty one days. I am shocked already at how much complaining I have already done. I suppose it's perfectly healthy. Right? I hope that if I moan about my situations for long enough I will decide to do something about them. Maybe I'll get tired of the sound of my own nagging and be inspired to get moving. I just want to get down on paper whatever is hovering on the horizon of my brain disguised as a dull headache. One that refuses to go away.
Alison Lurie confessed that "With pencil and paper, I could revise the world." While I do aim for universal domination...someday...right now I would be content with just revising my own world. Oh...and maybe I can sleep. Ah...that would be lovely.

...Job 22:23 You will be restored if you remove unrighteousness far from your tent.

Tonight I offer praise for the joys in my life. I am praying for quiet repose, for free flowing thought, and for knowledge. I am praying for safe travels in the days ahead. I am praying for good behavior. I am praying for restored trust. I am praying for open communication. I am praying that they don't get too comfortable without me! And I pray for her (even though tonight I don't really feel like it.).
See you all on the flip side!
Goodnight and God bless.

Rituals and protection...

"There is no companion so companionable as Solitude," Thoreau reminds me as I carry a hot cup of coffee to my desk. The house is hushed now after the hustle and bustle of a busy weekday. The dog follows me up the stairs, rushing to make his bed in the rumpled blanket by my feet. Everyone here knows that a reassuring ritual is about to take place, a civilized ceremonial for a common day.
Although it is too late to receive calls, to avoid interruption I silence the cell phone. The next hour (or so) is spent going within: doing my readings, writing my blog, adding meaningful quotes to my journal, in prayer, planning my day tomorrow, and then just meditating in silence. Listening attentively. Waiting expectantly. These are the basic tools that have helped me to find authenticity. I need enough breathing space to allow my heart to ponder what is precious. Most days, after my inner excursion is over, it appears as if nothing has happened that has dramatically changed my life. I have just spent some time alone. I am not aware of any new insights, inspiration, or guidance...save what I share here with you. But sometimes I am able to bring the larger picture into sharper focus. This much I know: if you go deep enough, often enough, something good is bound to come back to you. This is a glimmer into what happens when I am left to my own devices.
And now I want to discuss what my mother always called "picking your battles"...and the importance of protecting those we love. Relationships are made up of many different things, including joys, sorrows, successes, and failures. When you think about what you want love to be like, the furthest thing from your mind is a battleground. However, there are some battles you should be more than willing to fight. These are the battles that pertain to protecting love. Unfortunately, your relationship has enemies out there. They come in different forms and use different strategies, but nonetheless they will conspire to destroy your relationship unless you know how (and are willing) to ward them off.
Some are clever and seem attractive, only to undermine your love and appreciation for one another. Others try to lure your heart away by feeding you unhealthy fantasies and unrealistic comparisons. It's a battle you must wage..to protect yourself and those that you love...when love puts on armor and picks up a sword to defend its own. The things we need protection from?:
Harmful influences: The internet, consuming work schedules, even family and friends who take precious time away from quiet time with those we love. Shame: Everyone deals with some level of inferiority and weakness. Relationships have a way of exposing it all to the world...protect loves vulnerability. Generally speaking, love hides the faults of others. It covers their shame. Parasites: A parasite is anything that latches on to you or your partner and sucks the life out of your relationship. (we all know who or what the parasites are..). Parasites steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love...and make trust impossible.
Protecting love is no small assignment. It requires a heart of courage and a head for preemptive action. It is an important role. Take it seriously.

...1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV) Love always protects.
...Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.

Tonight I pray for rituals and protection. I pray that I may be a wise woman..that I may learn to build my house instead of trying to tear it down. I pray for protection, for provision, and for peace. I pray that I may learn to recognize when to battle and when to retreat. I pray for those I love. And I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

Stop waiting....

Shew. Headache finally moved along, got a few things done today that I have been neglecting, feeling much better. Thanks for asking. It was a rough couple of days...those headaches are nasty...especially when they last more than a few hours. And now everything is back to normal....what? Normal? Sorry...maybe not.
I "borrowed" the following from a blog that I frequently read...320 Sycamore. She is funny and smart and uber crafty...I always learn something. She had this quote on her blog last night and it resonated with yesterdays blog post here. "This quote is for all those who are dealing: an illness, a heartbreak, a financial burden, a lack of sleep...who would give anything for a normal day...scrubbing the toilets, puttering around the house, folding laundry, washing dishes, running kids around, making dinner...'Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.' (Mary Jean Iron)" Thank you for letting me share. Now on to our lesson for today. And sit up straight!
Up until now, I have secretly (read secretly, not necessarily quietly) believed that I had to wait until things calmed down a bit before I could start to get my act together. Tomorrow I will begin. Tomorrow I will treat myself better. Tomorrow I will take the time to enjoy myself. Tomorrow when everything calms down. This I can report directly from the front lines: life never calms down long enough for us to wait until tomorrow to start living the lives we deserve. Life is always movement, always change, always unforeseen circumstances. There will always be something trying to grab my attention: the phone, the child, the car breaking down, the dog, the check that never arrives in the mail. Let me just, right now, acknowledge that as far as real life is concerned, I am only one small step away from dealing with dysfunction. Daily.
So what am I going to do about it? I can stop waiting for life to become perfect (HA!) and start working with what I have to make it as satisfying as I can. I can accept, bless, give thanks, and get going. Today, I can begin to call forth the riches from my everyday life. Today I can move from lack to abundance. Procrastination has robbed me of too many precious opportunities. I can call my bestie for lunch, begin to read (or maybe even write) that novel, organize my desk, try a new recipe for dinner, smile at everyone I meet, find a great spot for random photo ops, sit and daydream, act as if I am grateful to be alive. I can scatter joy. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And that first step is always the most difficult. But life begets life.

...Psalm 119:30 I have chosen the faithful way.

Lord, please help me to stop waiting for a better day and start making the day better. Please comfort those in pain, counsel those in need, and carry those who fall. Please continue to bless those that I love with abundance and strength. And please calm the trouble and the hurt that she carries...
Goodnight and God bless.

Blessing...

So tonight...still with the headache...I am going to continue last nights post. Last evening we discussed acceptance...how to surrender to what is presently happening and accept what life is offering. Tonight we learn that acceptance is only the first step. Acceptance must be followed by blessings....after we accept our present circumstances, no matter what they are..good or bad, we must learn to bless them. Right. Bless misery and anger and defeat? I will do it through gritted teeth...kicking and screaming.
Usually I don't know why something has occurred until there is enough distance to take a backward glance. You know...hindsight being 20/20 and all that. However, maybe blessing whatever vexes me is the spiritual surrender that can change my troublesome situations for the better. Maybe..just maybe...blessing the circumstances that surround me will teach me how to trust. I am sick and tired of learning lifes lessons through pain and struggle, perhaps blessing my difficulties will show me a better way.
Stella Terrill Mann, a Unity minister who wrote during the 1940's, encourages us to greet the morning with the affirmation "Blessed be the morn for me and mine." At noon, declare "Blessed be the day for me and mine." And in the evening, invoke this prayer "Blessed be the night for me and mine." She claims that these affirmations welcoming good will bring blessings into our lives. Can't hurt, right?
Today, I start to count my blessings. I am making a spiritual inventory. So much good happens to me, but in the rush and stress of daily life I fail to even notice, let alone acknowledge it. I am hoping that writing it down will focus my attention on the abundance already within my grasp and therefore will make it real. I am challenging all of you to do the same. And when we notice the circumstances...the joys and the burdens...we start blessing. Bless everything!! There will be a test on this later.

...Philippians 4:12-13 In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled...I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Tonight I pray for inventory. I pray for blessings. I pray for renewed spirit, refreshed vision, and restored joy. I pray for release...from the terrible headache that I am suffering. I pray for those I love. I pray for those I love less...I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

Acceptance...

Because my head is pounding out some kind of ancient tribal warrior drum march, this blog post will be severly lacking in witty reparte....maybe tomorrow. I will manage to translate the small amount of thought that I have brewing in between painful synapses. This will be a doozy of a read....my sincere apologies in advance.
As I am on a journey of acceptance and blessing, I feel it only right to focus on what exactly acceptance means. So what is acceptance? I have come to find that it is surrendering to what is: my circumstances, my feelings, my problems, my financial status, my work, my play, my health, my relationships with other people, the delay and the fulfillment of my dreams. Before I can change anything in my life I have to recognize that that this is the way it's meant to be right now. For me, acceptance has become my closed eyes in prayer, the quiet of my tears, and the moments of joy I discover daily. It's an "all right"...as in "all right, You lead and I will follow." And it's "all right"...as in "everything is going to turn out all right." This, I believe, is simply part of my journey.
It seems as if I have learned another very valuable lesson. I have discovered that much of my struggle to be content...despite outside circumstances...has happened when I stubbornly resisted what was actually presently happening in my life. I have learned that when I surrender to the reality of a particular situation..whatever it us...(meaning when I don't continue to resist but accept) a softening occurs with my soul. Suddenly I am able to open up and recieve all the goodness and abundance available to me because acceptance brings with it so much release and peace.
So what happens when we actually accept our circumstances? The good and the bad? First of all we relax. Next we change our vibration..our energy pattern..the rate of our heartbeat. We welcome Karma. Finally, reality is illuminated so that we are better able to see the path before us.
Whatever situation exists in our lives right now, we must accept it. Cast a glance around and acknowledge what's going on. This is my kitchen with the floor that needs mopped. This is how much I weigh. This is my checking account balance. This is not my battle. This is what is really happening in my life at the present moment. This is OK. This is real life. Tomorrow will be different. Today, I must let go of the struggle. I must allow the healing process of change to begin. I am ready to move on...move forward...move ahead.

...Joshua 24:15 As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Tonight I am praying for acceptance. I am trusting Him to lead me toward illumination, and believing that I will know the path when it is appeared to me. I am praying for relief...from the pain, from the suffering, and from the anger. I am praying for safety and security for those close to me. I am praying for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

A lesson in the heart...

I had a hard time with this post this evening. In fact, I almost tacked a big TO BE CONTINUED sign on the door...but I decided that I needed to dig deep and spit something out. Now that we have all that brutal honesty out in the open.....let's get down to bizzyness.
Tonight we are going to discuss something I read quite a few days ago. I am choosing to revisit it and share it with all of you, dear readers, because...well...I'm generous like that. You can thank me later. Tonight we are going to learn about the heart. To be more direct, we are going to learn about leading your heart. OK...pay attention.
Chapter 1. ~What Is The Heart?
~Your Identity. Your heart is the most important part of who you are. It is the center of your being, where the "real you" resides.
~Your Center. Since your physical heart is in the center of your body and sends life-giving blood out to every living cell, the word "heart" has been used for centuries to describe the core starting place of all your thoughts, beliefs, values, motives, and convictions. No really...I read all that.
~Your Headquarters. Your heart is the Pentagon of your operations. As a result, every area of your life is impacted by the direction of your heart.
Chapter 2. ~What's Wrong With Following My Heart?
~It's Foolish. The world says "Follow your heart!" Because it sounds all romantic and noble, it sells millions of books and songs are written about it. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it actually is right. It means throwing caution and conscience to the wind and pursuing your latest whims and desires...regardless of what good logic and counsel are saying. Even if you listen. Which most of us don't.
~It's Unreliable. People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable. They can fluctuate depending on circumstances. In an effort to follow their hearts, people have quit jobs to start up shitty garage bands, lost life savings on a trip to Vegas, or left soul mates for younger, prettier, pieces of ass. What feels right in the height of passion often rears it's ugly head as a mistake a few years later. Karma.
~It's Corrupt. The truth is, our hearts are basically selfish and sinful. It's true. Unless our hearts are genuinely changed by God, they will continue to choose wrong. For years...and years.
Chapter 3. ~Should I Ever Follow My Heart?
~Just as your heart can direct you toward hatred, lust and violence (sometimes toward the same person), it can also be driven by love, truth, and kindness. As you learn to walk with God, He will put dreams in your heart that He wants to fulfill in your life. He will give you the desire to give and to worship. As you put God first, He will step in and fulfill the good desires of your heart. The only path in following your heart is when you know your heart is intent on serving and pleasing God.
Chapter 4. ~Why Is Following My Heart Not Enough?
~Because our hearts are so subject to change, and so completely untrustworthy, we should lead our hearts. This means to take full responsibility for its condition and direction. Realize that you do have control over where your heart is. We have all been given the power to take the heart off of one thing and set it on something else.
Chapter 5. ~How Do I Lead My Heart?
~First you need to understand that your heart follows your investment. Whatever you put your time, money and energy into will draw your heart.
~Check Your Heart. One of the keys to successfully leading your heart is to constantly be aware of where it is.
~Guard Your Heart. When something unhealthy offers itself to you, it is your responsibility to guard your heart against temptation.
~Set Your Heart. It's time to identify where your heart needs to be and then choose to set your heart on those things. I know. You've set your heart on something in the past and you are stuck in the "follow your heart" mentality. But you don't have to let your feelings lead you any more. You have the choice.
~Invest Your Heart. Don't wait until you feel like doing the right thing. Start now with the relationships you have. The more you invest the greater the reward.
WOW. For not wanting to blog tonight I sure had alot to say huh? Thanks to my reading for some much needed inspiration. We can all do this...together. It will be tough at first...but the end result? Stronger hearts and closer relationships....not only to ourselves and our loved ones...but also to God. And that's the one that really matters.

...Proverbs 28:26 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.

Tonight I pray for my heart. I pray for the strength to lead it and the courage to try. I pray for all of your hearts as well. And I pray for her. Unceasingly.
Goodnight and God bless.

From neglect to understanding...

What a wonderful, beautiful day! The sun came out, it was warmish, and I spent..literally...the entire day photographing the world around me. Seems after my blog last night talking about following dreams and all that...I was feeling a tad, well...hypocritical. Here I was...blubbering on about soaring and being creative and blah blah blah...when I was so afraid to leave my own home that I had forgotten to find my joy. So I did...and I was amazed at all that was waiting for me to discover and collect and document. So...if you haven't already, head over to the Facebook photography page (Eos Photography) and check out the newbies. What grand adventure awaits me next?
In all my walking and sightseeing today I had time to reflect on something that has been troubling to my heart lately. I have been spending so much time promoting a "new" me...happier, calmer, more at peace...and in all my travels inward and all my quests for more knowledge...I have neglected those around me. I have been learning about myself, but not about the people I love, those closest to me, those that share not only my home..but my life. Do I not also need to discover what lies in their hearts?
Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved and accepted. We want people to know our name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are. The difficulty lies in the pleasure of intimately knowing someone. Someone we know this well can either love us at depths we never imagined or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It's, unfortunately, a two way street. When I truly care about something, I enjoy discovering as much as I can. I watch food network to learn the newest and best skills and recipes. I read decorating magazines in order to fill my house with warmth. I take classes to learn how to push myself creatively with my photography. But if love stepped in today and asked me..."what do you know about him?"...I would stumble, I would stammer, I would ultimately fail.
Some of the problems I have in relating to him are simply because I do not yet understand him. All of the elements that make him who he is, how he thinks, what he needs...are based in a set of guiding principles. We all have our own. I have been trying to decipher mine...I need to start working on his. So I vow to do the following:
~Ask questions. I should take the initiative to begin conversations. In order to get him to open up, he needs to know that my desire for understanding is real and genuine.
~Listen. The goal of understanding is to hear him..not to tell him what I think.
~Ask God for discernment. Things like gender differences, family backgrounds, and varied life experiences can cloud my ability to understand his heart and motivations. But God is a giver of wisdom.
I am entering this new area of study with expectation and enthusiasm. For truly knowing, understanding, and loving well should be my life's work. The rest is just details.

...Proverbs 3:13 How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding.

Tonight's prayer list is small...I pray for understanding. I pray for another day of fulfilling joy. I pray for hope and wonder. I pray for the hearts of others. I pray for them. And I pray for her.
"The eyes of my eyes are opened." e.e. cummings
Goodnight and God bless.

My own backyard...

Minister Russell H. Conwell delivered many speeches and motivational talks during his lifetime. One speech in particular he delivered more than six thousand times between 1877 and 1925. When it was eventually published, it became an immediate best-seller and a classic in inspirational literature. That lecture was known as "Acres of Diamonds."
It recounted the life of a Persian farmer named Ali Hafed who sold his farm and left his family to travel the world in search of wealth. He searched the four corners of the globe but could not find the diamonds he lusted after. Finally, many years later, alone and in great despair, he ended his own life. His search for riches had consumed him. In the meantime, the man who had bought Hafeds land was grateful for every blade of grass that was now his and lived in love and hard work on his farm. At night, surrounded by his adoring family and eating the fruits of his labor, he was a contented man. Finally one day he made a remarkable discovery. In the backyard that Hafed had abandoned was a diamond mine-literally an acre of diamonds. The simple farmer became wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.
This illustrates an extraordinary and wonderful message: within each of us lies a wellspring of abundance and the seeds of opportunity. We each have a deeply personal dream waiting to be discovered and fulfilled. When we realize that dream and then invest love, creative energy, perseverance, and passion in ourselves, we can achieve an authentic success. And more than that...we have right now all that we need to be contented...I made an inventory of my assets: my health (most of the time), someone who loves me, a beautiful and happy daughter, their health, our home (small but comfortable), my precious puppy, and a beautiful world around me to capture on film. There's always plenty of good food on the table and wine in the pantry. I am blessed with many wonderful friends who care deeply about me and share my life. When I look at this ledger I realize that I am very rich indeed. So rather than seeking riches in the world, we need to explore ways to see our world differently. Gaze into the faces of those you love, set the table with care, and relish the preparations you make for dinner. Delight in the presentation of your meal. Light candles, pour wine in your prettiest goblets, and talk with your family about the day. Celebrate a new awareness. Let your imagination loose to soar.
And as Dorothy Gale reminds us "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
Because there really is no place like home.

...Proverbs 24:3-4 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

I want to take a moment before we start in on the prayer list to acknowledge that I am not only writing this blog in order to share my progress with you all...but also to make myself accountable for my own heart. It is a healing tool...and meant only for that. While I hope that it offers you peace, knowledge, and greater insight...know that it is a raw nerve to my soul. Be gentle in that knowledge.
Tonight I pray for "my backyard", for my hearts passion, and that I may follow the path that is laid before me. I pray that the comfort that I find in my personal dream (photography) grows to touch others the way it blesses me. I pray for healing and comfort to those in need, I pray for blue skies and starry nights, and I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

Insanity and prayer...

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But isn't that what happens in any relationship when you try to change someone else? Hell...it's pretty much what happens when you try to change yourself. It's frustration at the highest level. At some point you have to accept that it's not something you can do.
Changing yourself is easy...well, it should be. As I am on that particular journey myself, I will tell you that I stumble...alot. In fact, I've decided that maybe there is nothing actually wrong with me. Perhaps I am perfect. Perhaps everyone else is the problem. Yep...that's what I've decided. In all seriousness....I know that I am flawed, imperfect, difficult at best. My search for peace and harmony and inner sanity has actually highlighted all the things about me that need fixing. I get all that. And I am surprisingly comfortable with most of it....but here is something that I learned that I didn't expect. Learning to live presently and peacefully requires a profound inner shift in your reality. Many of us unconsciously create dramas in our minds, expecting the worst from a situation only to have our expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We become authors of our own misfortune. And so we struggle from day to day, crisis to crisis, bruised and battered by circumstances without realizing that we always have a choice. We have to learn to stop the dramas and trust the flow of life and the goodness of our own spirits. We must learn to rewrite the negativity and write new chapters with happy endings. We must suspend disbelief. Take a leap of faith. Begin now.
Once we begin that process we realize that changing others is not possible. Liars will continue to lie. Cheaters will continue to cheat. What we must do is become "wise farmers". 'A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But, he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries. They know that not every seed sprouts. But most will grow when planted in good soil and given what they need.'
So we remove the weeds from our lives....nurture and cultivate the soil of others hearts and depend on God to show us results. We must learn to pray for others. It is one of the most loving and genuine things that we can do...for those we love, for those we want to change, for those we disagree with, and for those who are lost.

...James 5:16 Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another...the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
...Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

So tonight friends I pray for others. For their hearts. For their attitudes. For their responsibilities before God. I pray for truth to replace lies. I pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. I pray for genuine breakthrough. I pray for my heart's desires-for love and honor to become the norm. And I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

What type of love...

We have alot to explore this evening so let's get right to it. There are three distinct types of love: agape (true, devoted, unconditional): phileo (friendship): and eros (sexual, passionate). While all are equally important to sustain a heart, there must be a stronger foundation to sustain a commitment. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstance. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. And that person must must be willing to let go of the phrase "I love you because" and must replace it with "I love you, period". Who can truly say that?
Who can offer agape love without selfish motives? Who can look beyond phileo and eros to the complications of agape and willingly stand up for its promises? Phileo and eros are responsive and can fluctuate based on feelings or words. But agape love is selfless and unconditional. Who loves selflessly?
Can agape love be learned? Can I learn to not just follow my heart, but to lead it? I don't want to let my feelings and emotions do the driving anymore. I want to put them in the back seat, tell them to shut it, and go wherever I am going. I want to find agape love and surrender to it...knowing that I trust the selflessness of it. Yikes.
I chose this particular topic today because of the significance of the date. One year ago today we began deployment. Heartbreaking months of sacrifice, trial, pain, and immeasurable suffering. 'Agape love will not be swayed by time or circumstance'. I beg to differ. So, my question stands....can agape love be learned? Reclaimed? Lead? Or does it wax and wane at whim? I pray that the next few months of this year do not follow in the path of the last. Please Lord, keep it simple.

...1 John 4:19 We love, because He first loved us.

Tonight I pray for insight. I pray for knowledge. I pray for truth. I pray for celebration, jubilation, and heartwarming news. Tonight I ask for blessings of peace and provisions. I pray for continued communications. I pray for laughter, contentment, and comfort. I ask Him to keep those I hold dear in His sights. And I pray for her...as I do always.
Goodnight and God bless.

Order...

I suspect that in happy and fulfilled lives domesticity and spirituality are invisibly but importantly connected. That there is a Divine Order inherent in the universe. I suspect that the only way to prevent chaos from squatting at my house is for me to maintain some sense of order. This usually backfires on me. But after a successful day yesterday baking and cleaning, I feel obliged to share my domestic musings with all of you.
So let's talk about order. To be a good "housewife" one must be humble, connected, willing to serve. Shouldn't the same rules apply to faith? In order for me to create order in my home I must first claim it in my heart. The Shakers invoked a prayer each morning for the grace that would enable them to express their love of God through their daily tasks...sometimes tasks as simple and mundane as making the bed. And the seventeenth century Carmelite friar, Brother Lawrence, wrote that frequently he felt the spirit of God among the pots, pans, and potatoes in his kitchen as he prepared meals. It's all connected.
Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed by outside circumstances...worries about money, concerns about heath, anxiety over the state of the union...instinctively I turn to homegrown rituals to restore my equilibrium. There is an immediate emotional response when I bake, or clean, or organize something. I have even noticed that there is a direct link to the days when I am especially depressed and the days when the house is a disaster. I also suspect that I am not alone in feeling this way. "It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes." Dorothy Parker
'If you feel constantly adrift but don't know why, be willing to explore the role that order-or the lack of it- plays in your life. No one can think clearly when constantly surrounded by clutter, chaos, and confusion..no matter who is responsible for it. Begin to think of order not as a straight jacket of  "shoulds" (make the bed, wash the dishes, take out the garbage) but as the foundation for the beautiful new life you are creating.'
When the distractions of daily life deplete our energy the first thing we eliminate is the thing we need the most: quiet, reflective time alone. We must invite and cultivate order so that we may begin to learn how to pause.

...James 3:16 Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder.

Tonight I am praying for the strength to put my house in order. I am praying for wisdom, for guidance, and for reflective understanding. I pray that once order is restored in my home that I may learn to find it in my heart...so that I may teach peace to those around me. I am praying for the safety and security of my loved ones. And I am praying for her.
And to one particular reader...My heart hurts for you and the pain you are suffering tonight. I know that his way seems dark....but I promise there is a path...and a light for him. He will find it...I hold you in my heart and thoughts...and all of you in my prayers. I am here for you...always and all ways.
Goodnight and God bless.

Changing the weapons...

Before we begin, I must apologize for my absence. Remember that blog 'Quarantine'? Oh yes...the flu bug. Nasty little fella. He paid me a visit this week. Bastard. I thought about blogging...really...I'm sorry...that's all a big fat ugly lie. I didn't think about blogging once. I thought about a bullet, hot tea, and sleep. That's all...
And I was going to just make this one excruciatingly long blog covering every single thing that I have read for the last 4 days..but well....none of us has that kind of time. So I have decided to keep you all in suspense of what I learned this week in lieu of starting over with tonight. Okee dokee then?
Tonight I am teaching a lesson in conflict. (Gathered from my reading this evening) Trust me on this one...I am a seasoned pro..an expert if you will. I have learned that conflict is inevitable. People eventually slip off of the lofty pedestals that we place them upon...welcome to fallen humanity. The deepest, most heartbreaking damage we can ever do (or ever have done) to each other most likely occurs in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when pride is the strongest. Anger is the hottest. Words are the most venomous. And we are all guilty (don't try to work that out in your head...just go with it.) So the problem is in learning how to make conflict work for you. How to fight fair...how to fight clean...how to disarm the self destruct. Because if we don't...it WILL destruct.
We have to learn to let love step in. We have to learn to listen to what our hearts are screaming instead of what our mind is whispering. We have to learn to set boundaries for what we will allow, what we will accept, what we will abandon, what we will absolve. We cannot bring old, unrelated conflicts into the new ones. We cannot hold on to past hurts nor can we adopt new ones. We must change the weapons....
Here are the examples of my (newly set) rules of engagement...
     1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19)
     2. I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own?" (Matthew 7:3)
     3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. " A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
'Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.'
Perhaps if we all just agree to change our weapons. Obviously this way isn't working for anyone. I'm in....

...Romans 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

Tonight I am praying for less conflict, more peace, and better weapons. I am praying that the hurts and the angers of today make room for the healing and the forgiveness of tomorrow. I am praying for an attitude of willingness, flexibility, and humble submission. I am praying for health, for rest, for them, and for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

Scarcity.....

Sometimes you read something and it touches a nerve. You not only read the words, but you feel them...deep in your soul. Most people would call this an "A Ha" moment...me? I shout AMEN!!! Because there it was...tonight..in black and white...right in front of me.
Most of you know I am reading several books every night. They serve various purposes...enlightenment, easement, edification, entertainment. (lots of big words tonight..google that shit!)...tonight's reading hit me hard because it focuses on something that we all struggle with. It is one thing to stress about health, or relationships, or children. But universally we all worry about the same thing...money. I have even blogged in the past about learning to scale down, to accept our financial reality, to find comfort in smaller portions. I explained then...due to health concerns I took a leave of absence from my job. While I don't regret that decision..I know that it has created extra burden in our household...going from two (rather substantial) incomes to one is difficult. Let me clarify something...he is an excellent provider. Our bills are paid, we have food on our table..and while we do not reside on easy street, we are blessed nonetheless. Let me also say that he has been more than supportive of my stay at home momness..in fact, I almost think he enjoys it (or maybe he just likes my cooking!).
But I digress (a little)...we all worry about money. Some of us have it...and some of us don't. More the latter. And, let's face it, some of us are greedy about it. We want more of it, we feel entitled to it, we want what we feel we are owed.  (I don't condone any of these feelings...). We must learn to accept the blessings we receive..whatever their form or function. And, just maybe, we will realize that true wealth comes from loving and being loved in return....true riches are found in the arms of our children....and that a sizable bank account is no match to the size of our hearts.
'When you are worried about your health or the health of a loved one, your concentration focuses like a laser. Suddenly there is a clarity about all of life because you realize what is important. Living is important. But worries about money mock you. When you are worried about money you dread the days and you agonize at night. You cease to live, and merely exist. If you are worried about money today, take heart. You have the power to change your lifestyle and move from a feeling of lack and deprivation to a feeling of abundance and fulfillment. Money ebbs and flows in our lives. What should remain constant is our realization that abundance is our spiritual birthright. The simpler we make out lives, the more abundant they become. There is no scarcity except in our souls.'


...1 Timothy 6:9 But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

Tonight I pray for the release of greed and envy. I pray that I may trust that He will provide. I pray that I continue to find comfort in all that I have, all that I know, and all that I accept. I pray for those that I love. And I pray for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

An optimistic approach to a realistic world...

There are two categories: Optimist and Pessimist. And then there is me..I am a bit of a rebel..I tend to classify myself as a Realist. This usually leads to raised eyebrows and a shake of the head, but I have learned that it is easy to be optimistic when times are good and pessimistic when they aren't...the really tricky part is in knowing the difference. Thus realism. I believe that it is what it is...shit happens...you wake up and you go to sleep...and in the meantime, people are going to do what they are going to do...probably screwing you in the process. I guess it does seem a tad pessimistic (as I am sitting here typing it out that's how it appears to me)...but it is reality. And another reality is that people don't change..you may want them to, beg them to, try to force it even....but they remain who they choose to be. I say this in the midst of my self awareness journey....my quest to become more peaceful, happier, less judgemental. People don't change..but they can change the way they think. They can change the way they learn. They can change what they keep..and what they leave behind.  That's important.
'It's time for us to discover the secrets of the stars, to sail to an uncharted land, to open up a new heaven where our spirits can soar. But first we have to make changes. And lasting change does not happen overnight. Lasting change happens in infinitesimal increments: a day, an hour, a minute, a heartbeat at a time. Take a deep breath. We're going to become optimists. Now be reassured. Optimism, like the happiness habit, can be learned. Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go.'
It's all about learning to be positive. It's time for me to redefine my values, reorder my priorities, and accept the challenge of making a virtue out of a necessity. It's time for me to let go of the things that I can't control, the truths I can't change, the people who bring negative to my door. It stops today. No more will I accept unrealistic expectations. No longer am I captive to a reality that moves beyond me. I am releasing the doubt, the fear, the hate that prevents me from attaining knowledge. I am striving for optimism. (Or at least a half full glass...).
"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit." Helen Keller. I am off on a voyage of discovery.

...Proverbs 4:7 Acquire wisdom; and with all your acquiring, get understanding.

Tonight I pray for understanding. I pray that He continues to lead my journey, that He calms the seas of my heart, and that in Him I may find the answers that I seek. I continue to pray for health. I ask for shelter for my loved ones, and peace of mind for the troubles they carry. And, as I have promised to do, I pray for her.
(and thank you dear for the awesome post title this evening....)
Goodnight and God bless.

The two rooms...

In my reading this evening, it is discussed that the heart has two rooms...the Appreciation Room and the Depreciation Room. It is said that through the course of our lives and loves that we visit both rooms...and that, unfortunately, we tend to spend more time in the negative room. The Appreciation Room is filled with all the things we love about others, all the kindnesses we have been shown, all the wonderful things that we have discovered. The walls of the Depreciation Room are filled with things that bother and irritate us. Frustrations, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. Emotional injuries fester here....ammunition is stored here for future hurts....people fall out of love here and relationships are ruined here.
The trick is in learning that love knows that the Depreciation Room exists. Love chooses not to live there. Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It celebrates success and defies failure. It allows victory and compensates for sin. Love should be the compass we follow...should be the lessons we keep. But, how do we get there? I want to reign in the negative and focus on the positives. I want to give others the benefit of the doubt. I want to learn to lead my heart to truly love others.
No, that isn't really right. I DO love others...I love fiercely, and passionately, and honestly. But, I want to know how to love those who don't deserve love..who don't want love...who don't appreciate love. I want to know how to let go of the reasons I am withholding love. I suppose that is part of the process...learning to listen to my inner voice, to understand the complexities of my heart, and support the knowledge that I obtain on the journey. I suppose that I need to let love in...in order to share it with others. ( I think that I touched on this in a past blog...)
So..which room are YOU choosing to dwell in? I already know my answer.

...1 Corinthians 13:7 Love believes all things and hopes all things.

My prayer list tonight is simple. I am praying for love. Love to give and love to receive. I am praying that the love I know and share remains steadfast..and I am praying that others experience this same love. And I am praying not only for my heart...but for hers as well. Love can heal many hurts...even those that it has caused. We must continue to keep the faith.
Goodnight and God bless.

Wants versus needs....

'If we are to live happy, creative, fulfilled lives, it is crucial to distinguish between our wants and our needs. Unfortunately, many women blur the distinction and then wonder why they feel so diminished. Make peace with the knowledge that you can't have everything you want. Why? Because it's more important for us to get everything we need. Be courageous. Ask yourself: what is it I truly need to make me happy? The deeply personal answers to this vital question will be different for each of us. Trust the loving wisdom of your heart.'
It is interesting to me that I never considered that these two things were different. All this time I have been believing that one or the other was enough. I never paused to suppose that it was never enough to simply have the things you need. If you aren't supplementing what you need..air, water, breath, food...with what you want...peace, love, touch...then there is always a void, an emptiness that you search and crave.
Don't get me wrong. I have alot...a comfortable home, a loving family, food on our table. I have essentials..water, heat, electricity. I have comforts...telephone, television, internet. I assume these are needs.
Am I wrong? Aren't wants more frivolous? Cute shoes, a nice car, an expensive camera? Or are wants as basic as needs...honesty, acceptance, happiness, strength? What about kissing, and sleep, and health? What category do those things fall under? And why can't wants make us happy? Is it because the more you want..the more you need? Even the questions are confusing. Oscar Wilde said "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it all."
Which leads me to another topic...' Why do people become irritable? There are at least two key reasons that contribute to it: stress. Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. It can be brought on by relational causes: arguing, division, and bitterness. There are excessive causes: overworking, overplaying, and overspending. And there are deficiencies: not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise. Oftentimes we inflict these daggers on ourselves, and this sets us up to be irritable. selfishness. Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is supposed to rule. And selfishness wears other masks; lust, bitterness, greed and pride. These motivations can never be satisfied. But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things. Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge. To be grateful instead of greedy.'
So see....all we really need is love. The Beatles were right.

....Matthew 16:26 What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?

Tonight I am praying that I recognize the needs that I have and appreciate the wants I am given. I am praying for continued clarity, forgiveness, and acceptance. I am praying for love. I am praying for safety and mercy for those I hold dear. And I am praying for her.
Goodnight and God bless.

Quarantine.....

Danger danger at my house...flu bug outbreak!!! He has it and I am avoiding it. At all costs. And while I feel really bad for him....seriously..it's the LAST thing that I need right now. In my current state..it would take me weeks to fight that thing off. No thank you...you keep it.
I had a lovely outing today with a dear friend. Sephora ( I bought nothing...I know right? I don't know what happened...), clothes, a lovely lunch with Chocolatinis and cheesecake. Oh and then a stop to pick up coffee...very important. Still didn't get those cute snow boots I am hunting...maybe some online shopping in my future.? You know, just in case it snows...again...here. I don't wish for that...but any excuse to buy cute boots...I mean, I have priorities here people.
So, all in all a good day. Tomorrows mission: house restore. Tree take down, furniture rearrange, box storage. And some cleaning...lots and lots of cleaning. Laundry, dishes, floors...you name it..I am cleaning it. Hopefully...if my old pal Kidney Stone cooperates.
Comparatively speaking, tonights blog will be a smidgen shorter...been a busy day and I am exhausted. A good nights sleep would be wonderful...not that I think that will actually happen...but....
Let's move right in to my reading excerpt...'Daphne du Maurier wrote "happiness is not a possession to be prized. It is a quality of thought, a state of mind." Happiness is a living emotion. Your happiness is not a frivolous, expendable luxury. Ultimately, genuine happiness can only be realized once we commit to making it a personal priority in our lives. This may be new behavior for some of us and a bit intimidating. Be gentle with yourself. It will all unfold. Today you may not be familiar with the happiness habit. But like any new behavior, happiness can be learned.'
Haven't I been saying all along that I am trying to learn happiness. Yes, I thought I mentioned that a time or two. Just thought it beared repeating. You know...for the doubters out there. (oh yes, I know you are there...you know who you are) I can do this...I can be happy. I can be gentle(r) with myself and wait for it to unfold. I won't like it...but I can do it.

...John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Tonight I focus on peace in my heart. I am praying for restored health, renewed spirit, and blessings received. I am praying that He keeps us in His sight. I am praying for wisdom, guidance, and courage. I am praying for those I love. And, as always, I am praying for her....
Be gentle with yourself. (Borrowed from my reading...but thinking about adding it as my sign-off...thoughts please.)
Goodnight and God bless.

Searching for happiness...

Changing the line up a little this evening...beginning the blog with an excerpt of tonight's reading...so that we can examine and discuss further. ' How happy are you right now? Do you even know? Most women know what makes their parents, partners, or children happy. But when it comes to an awareness about the little, specific things in life that bring a smile to our faces and contentment to our own hearts, we often come up short.'
Ain't that the truth? It seems as if I have spent many years falling further and further away from the things that make me happy. At least I think they make me happy...or they used to. I suppose after all this time, those things may have changed and shifted. I focus on Small...what does she need, what does she enjoy, what makes her smile? I focus on him, on my friends, on my family. I can't remember the last time I truly thought about what I need, what I desire, what I require. Let alone what I enjoy.
So let's start, hmmm? I enjoy my camera. I enjoy looking at the world and finding art. I enjoy allowing others to view life in the same perspective. I enjoy capturing time, a moment, a breeze, a thought. I enjoy the sensation of that feeling..when my brain and my eye and the universe all collide into one fleetingly random instant. And I am there..alive, aware, amazed.
I enjoy my daughter. She is true perfection. She is kind, and funny, and wise. She engages me in interesting conversation. She makes me explore and wonder. She teaches me compassion. She makes me want to do better, be better, live better, love better. She is the best part of everything good in the world and more than I could ever hope to be.
I enjoy reading. I enjoy baking. I enjoy shoes. I enjoy road trips. I enjoy singing loudly to a great song. I enjoy kissing. It seems as if I enjoy lots of small everyday things...I just never stop to recognize them. Perhaps this is what is missing in my heart...the acknowledgment of the wonderful things that I am surrounded by. Perhaps I need to focus more on what I have...what I know...what I love. Perhaps I need to let that be enough...
The beauty is that I am wise enough to realize that tomorrow...I may find enjoyment in something else. Something that I didn't even know was missing.

....Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Tonight I am praying for the clarity to reclaim the desires of my heart. I am praying for strength, for healing, and for mercy. And I am praying for all of you.
Goodnight and God bless.

A lesson in frustration.....

I have been concerned for some time now about my mental state. You see....I think I am going crazy. Bonkers. Insane. I hear imaginary ringing. I call people by the wrong name..or worse yet, I confuse people and pets. I forget things..little things..like where I put my car keys and bigger things..like paying a bill. Sometimes I forget conversations, I can read an entire chapter in my book and forget what I've read. I have even forgotten to eat. I don't sleep..and when I do, I am plagued with nightmares. I make lists now...grocery lists, to-do lists, laundry lists. I fear burning down the house, overdosing on medication, or losing my way home...all because my brain is evidently taking a holiday. I hope that it is warm and that it is staying somewhere all inclusive!
It is frustrating....knowing that there is something wrong..but not knowing how to fix it, where to start, where to go, who to trust. I don't LOOK crazy, I don't ACT crazy, I don't even SOUND crazy. But in my brain....loony bin central. They say that admitting it is the first step...right?
So it was a ho hum day here in my world. Things still haven't settled from the atom bomb dropped here last evening..that fall out is a bitch. Still a little hazy and a lot chaotic. I drank most of the day..seemed like a good idea. Probably won't feel that way tomorrow..but..well. There is so much anger right now...I have it, he has it, she obviously has it. Funny that none of it is directed in the same place.....OK, maybe not funny...but worth mentioning anyway. This anger is counterproductive for me...I am trying to look inward, to find my peace, to let go of the toxins that are poisoning me. So...I did my readings...hoping to find a moment of clarity...and there it was.....
I mentioned that I am re-reading the Bible nightly...I have found a wonderful study program that maps out specific readings on specific days. (This is beneficial to the OCD side of my personality!) When I first started this venture..I was using my beautiful..but terribly confusing King James Edition. I have since traded that in for my Student Bible...New International Version. The beauty is that this tome gives me questions...makes me think...wants me to delve further into what I am reading and how it makes me feel. Tonight it made me cry...it was clear..right there on the page...the words that I needed to read and understand.
Tonight's reading was Psalm 4...I don't particularly need to share it with you. But the study afterward is important...' Is anger sinful? No, though it can certainly lead to sin. This prayer depicts anger springing from anxiety, which proves especially troublesome on sleepless nights. The psalm suggests that, rather than venting your worry in outbursts against others, you should examine your own heart.'

....Psalm 4:7-8: You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Amen. All that praying and searching my heart lead me to this passage..which lead to real emotion. I pray that God continues to show me healing by teaching me His word. I pray that I continue to see the path ahead of me..that I am able to lead as well as follow...and that for every stumble there is stability.
One last thought I leave with you this evening...not my own...but wise nonetheless. "People pay for what they do, and still more for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead." Edith Wharton
Always thought provoking...this little blog of mine.
Goodnight and God bless.

Cute Puppy...AKA Squirrel Killer...

My sweet precious puppy has become a mean, terrifying, ruthless killer. Well...a maimer at least. I put him out into the backyard. I hear him barking and growling...not exactly unusual behavior..but annoying anyway. Then, much to my dismay, I see that he has wounded and trapped a poor helpless rabies carrier squirrel in the corner. And because I have now seen his prey....he must put on a show. Grab the squirrel, bang it against the ground, throw it against the fence...oh and let's bark at it a little more. I am aghast! My sweet baby weenie...what has gotten into you? So now the squirrel is wounded and probably mostly dead...so I move it (or rather I have the man move it...)to the other side of the fence...out of harms way...for now. (or until one of my vicious cats finds it...damn cats.)
And as if that wasn't enough excitement....she has played her cards. Filing in another state and claiming adultery...I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I backed off when he asked me to wait it out, I prayed for her healing.....and once again, I am hurting and angry. (Read carefully...this part is for you honey...) Make no mistake...I am not scared. Nor am I backing down. If a fight is what you want...that is what you will get. Your current state has nothing to do with me...you chose your path long ago. It is time for you to accept responsibility for your actions and stop expecting others to take care of you. Grow up, be an adult, move on. But don't ask me to sit silently by while you play your game, while you boo hoo your way into his sympathies, while you play victim and mother of the year and bullied and mistreated wife. You are a cold and calculating bitch...and you will soon get everything that you deserve. Karma is coming. And you can't just not answer the door to that fact.
So I am pissed irritated inconvenienced and this has greatly affected my mojo and the sense of calm that I have been trying to achieve. I still did my readings this evening...although I don't know that I take as much away as normal. But I will share anyway...
'Have you ever looked into the mirror and not recognized the person staring back at you? Psychologists call this phenomenon a displacement of self and it usually occurs during times of great stress. But what's wrong? What is this sadness we cannot name? Turn away from the world this year and begin to listen. Listen to the whispers of your heart. Look within.' (I am learning to recognize and reconnect with my "authentic self"...it might be mumbo jumbo...or it might lead to healing...)...I certainly have the "times of great stress" angle covered.

.....Proverbs 3:3-4: Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man.

I pray that I can retain my kindness and my truth during times of trial. I pray that I remain steadfast and that, while I may falter, I create and cultivate peace and love and that I am continually expressing both to those around me.
There is a difficult path ahead....
Goodnight and God bless.

Another Day...Another Doctor...

So today finds me in more pain...medications are no longer working. I am off to see yet another doctor. I have faith in this one...I have seen her before and I think she will listen. I explain..once again..."I am not crazy, I am not crazy, I am not crazy..please fix me." She promises she will try. Step one...refer me to a physician in the proper field of medicine..Urology. It's worth a shot. And really, at this point, I would take a witch doctor and a faith healer armed with acupuncture. Something. Anything.
After my visit with the friendly medicine woman, I ran the few small errands I could handle (go to the bank, stop for a few items at the grocery)...and returned home to claim my spot on the sofa. Thank you to my sweet puppy for keeping it warm in my absence. I cranked up the heated device, snuggled in with a softy blanket and aforementioned puppy, and slept. Such is my life. I did manage to arouse myself long enough for dinner (chicken and dumplings over mashed potatoes...thank you dear.)...and then promptly barfed it up. Figures.
So..now I sit here...ready for bed, having completed my readings for the evening and tucked the rest of the household into slumber. Soon my medication will direct me to bed...
The next few days hold much activity and new promises. I hope to share good news with you all soon.
I am mulling and processing tonight's reading...here is a snippet: 'If we're not playing to an audience, does it really matter? None of us can be expected to perform every minute of our lives. But a lot of us might tap into the power, excitement, and glory of real life more frequently if we cast ourselves as the leading roles in our own lives.'
Something to think about. I read a great quote today..and I think it fits my journey...
              ~ The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. Yogi Bhajan.

.....Psalm 3: Lord, how are they increased that trouble me. Many are they that rise up against me. Many there be which say of my soul there is no help for him in God. But thou, O Lord, are a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of my head. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me. I laid me down and slept; I awaked for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me. Arise O Lord; save me. For thou has smitten all my enemies upon the cheek; thou has broken the teeth of the ungodly. Salvation belongeth unto the Lord; thy blessing is upon thy people.

Again I say Amen. They ARE increased that trouble me. There are those that rise up against me...I am no longer burdened by them, nor am I afraid. I know what path I follow...and I will continue to hold THEIR strength and healing among my heart and prayers.
More to come...
Goodnight and God bless.

Please....

I am begging, pleading even.....make the pain stop. I have lived too many days like this. It is interfering with basic functions. I can no longer walk upright, I require constant use of some kind of heated device, and my daily diet consists of various medications intended to quiet the demons to a dull roar. Enough. Really. Please.
I did manage to muster the strength and energy to tackle a surprise lunch with Small at school today...picked up a pizza, registered as a visitor, endured the symphony of elementary voices in a cafeteria.....the whole ordeal...while infinitely worthwhile and enjoyable...exhausted me. I ended up asleep on the couch...for the majority of the afternoon. When did I become so elderly?
And as an update to my mental state...I do still feel as if there is alot of crazy going on. I heard the ringing again today..thankfully it WAS actually the phone and others heard it as well. It's a start.
As I have, once again, medicated my feeble body...this will be a short entry. I can already feel the effects on my synapses....slower to fire tonight.
Today's reading entry..Day 3: 'There are six principles that will act as guides as we make our inner journey over the next year. First there is gratitude. Gratitude gives way to simplicity-the desire to clear out, pare down, and realize the essentials of what we need to live truly well. Simplicity brings with it order, both internally and externally.  A sense of order in our life brings us harmony. Harmony provides us with the inner peace we need to appreciate the beauty that surrounds us each day, and beauty opens us to joy.'
And these are the lessons I am trying to take with me.

......Psalm 2:10-12 Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth. Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their trust in him.

I am trusting...Amen.
Goodnight and God bless.

New Year...New Blog...

If you follow me on Facebook you will know that I ended the year of 2010 with a rant. Just for the record, I am not sorry about anything I said. Hopefully you read it so that this blog entry will make sense to you. I have spent the majority of the last year pissed off. It has been detrimental to my health, my relationships, my day to day existence. I will accept the responsibility for the anger that I held on to...but the cause of the anger is well documented. And well deserved. But it is time to let all that go. I can't change the past. I have to accept the selfishness, the stupidity, the cruelness of others. For they are people..and people are..well...selfish, stupid, and, at times, cruel. Myself included.
So I have decided that rather than make "resolutions", which I will undoubtedly not keep...I am focusing on this blog. And confined within these parameters, you will find a different record of events. Sure there will be days where I am off a little, where my humor will prevail, where anger or frustration will seep in. But I am convinced that making myself accountable for my emotions will lead to healing. So...lucky you...you get to endure alongside me. That said, you will find here my normal blogging...activities of the day, things that made me laugh, questions I am pondering...and the like. One of the changes will be that I am adding a daily Scripture reading....I am not offering you my faith.....I am offering you a glimpse into what I am reading. There will be other readings, other lessons, other offerings...I hope.
I am reading a book right now...in and of itself not remarkable I know...but today's passage reads as follows: "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves," the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke urges us. "Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now..." The answers to your questions will come, but only after you know which ones are worth asking. Wait. Live your questions. Then ask. Become open to the changes that the answers will inevitably bring. This may take some time, but time is the New Years bountiful blessing: three hundred sixty-five bright mornings and starlit evenings; fifty-two promising weeks; twelve trans formative months full of beautiful possibilities; and four splendid seasons....
And to that I say Amen. Fitting that I should share that here huh?
I am off now to bake with Small....we have a cookie plan that must be conquered. My blessing today is the time with my daughter that has renewed my soul and restored my spirit. I am thankful....and those cookies will make a great bedtime snack.
......Genesis Chapter 1: In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth.

Good night and God bless.