"Grief is not as heavy as guilt but it takes more away from you." (Veronica Roth)..True. I've been angry, hurt, sad, defeated, angry again...and finally I am at acceptance. I know that I've done my share of hurting other people...never maliciously or intently. That relationship two way street?....it runs good times and bad. It's sad..I cry still. I keep what is mine to keep, accept my share of the burden, and pick up the pieces. I am heartbroken...sure...and I shoulder more guilt than I will ever be able to share. All I can do now..is chip away at it and pray for healing and forgiveness. And turn myself over to the people who will lift me up and carry me through.
Which brings me to today's challenge.
My Worst Habits:
There is a pretty long list. And I am feeling particularly defeated today...so that will more than likely translate here. I'm sure there are a TON of people who would like to add their own bullets of my faults and weaknesses...but, I will do my best to tick them all off for you.
*I am needy. I require "coddling" and hand holding and copious amounts of reassurance. I am sure this comes from a string of negative relationships that impacted my ego...but that sounds like another blog post altogether. Or a cop out excuse...and, Lord knows, I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm taking THAT road.
*I am thoughtless. My filter doesn't always work properly...so most of the time, even if my heart tells me otherwise, I can't stop the shit that comes out of my mouth. My brutal honesty isn't always welcome, isn't always appreciated, and is most of the time...a total pain in the ass. For everyone involved...myself included.
*I am guarded. I don't let people in easily. I am distrustful, on edge, and generally reserved. People disappoint me...again, probably because I set my expectations way too high and am unwavering in my beliefs. I'm sure that I am difficult, maybe even impossible, to please...and hard to accept...and terrible to be with. And more than a little disappointing. It's a coping mechanism, ingrained from years of being alone and afraid.
*Sometimes I am selfish. But, I suppose, we all can be. To me, it's all the other times that are important..all the times when I am giving, and loving, and present. But...maybe I need to work on selflessness and humility.
*I have difficulty forgiving and forgetting. I am a master grudge holder. I can push it down under the surface, smile, and move through it. But it's always there....boiling and brewing. I WANT to forgive you...I WANT to forget the things you said and did...but, my heart is hard and fickle. And there really isn't any point in arguing with it.
*I am paranoid, bat shit crazy, and my brain never shuts the fuck up. I jump to conclusions. I am completely irrational at times. I am obsessive AND compulsive. I try too hard, want too much, read too much in to everything. Maybe it's from my weird childhood, maybe it's all those shitty relationships...or maybe it's just WHO THE FUCK I AM. Please understand...or don't. It's MY crazy..and I'll parade it around if I want to. Duck and cover...and wait for the fallout to clear. That's my best advice.
*I am opinionated, outspoken, and overbearing. I get absurdly angry at times. I yell. I act ridiculous. Blame my father. But, in this stupid fucked up life we live....a little ridiculousness seems perfectly acceptable to me. And a little ridiculous can go a super long way.
*(Looking at the above list, the following things don't really seem all that bad.) I bite my nails. I swear entirely too much and too often. I am prone to bouts of extreme laziness. I like a glass of wine now and then. And I would rather be at home with my dogs and books...than with asshole people.
So there you have it. All the really ugly things about me...that most of you are already PAINFULLY aware of. I am who I am. I'm so far from perfect it's not even an attainable goal. I don't expect it to ever even be a blip on my horizon. If I can just make it through the rest of my life...pissing off as few people as possible...I will die and..HAPPILY..go to Hell.
You don't have to like me. You don't have to accept me and all my flaws. But know this...I AM FLAWED. Because I am fucking HUMAN. And the first person that tells me that they have NEVER fucked up in life, in love, or in friendships..is a LIAR. Take me or leave me....makes no difference either way. But don't JUDGE me...that's not your fucking JOB.
See (some of) ya on the flip flop side.
XOX!!
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