'Fraidy Cat..

Let me begin by letting you all know that I am feeling much better today...physically and mentally. I made the very difficult decision last night to let it all go...to let go of the hurt and the anger and the crazy toxicity of it all...to wake up today with a new attitude...to be thankful for what I have been given, the moments I cherish and the people I am blessed with. My life may not be perfect, it may not be grand....but it doesn't have to be spent unhappy. And the battles I fight within myself....well, let's just say..that shit isn't going anywhere anytime soon...but I realized that it's MY crazy...better to just accept it and deal than fight it and lose.
I'm not saying that miraculously today everything you know and love about me has changed. Oh Hell No. I'm just letting you know that shit is happening....and some people and places may get left behind. I am accepting my faults, my pitfalls, my neediness and overactive paranoia. I am taking responsibility for the chaos that I bring. But I am also making room for calm to settle...for peace to put down roots...and for happiness to move in. I'm not perfect..but I've got an opportunity to make myself greater than I am right now. It's time to take inventory...and let go of the things that don't contribute to my authentic self. I owe it to my family, my friends, and most importantly...to myself. I promise you'll still love me..and my sass mouth..when I'm done transforming.

Moving on. Today's challenge..I have to admit that in light of events in my life right now, I was a little taken aback by the challenge.

What Am I Afraid Of?:

There are so many things that I am afraid of....basic REAL things: Spiders, Snakes, Bats, in general Creepy Crawlies. Flying. Clowns. Tunnels. Bridges. Drowning.
But I realized that these aren't really FEARS...as much as just things I don't particularly LIKE and don't want to DO. In my opinion, there's a difference. Sure, you can have a fear of heights, or flying like me. But it isn't an insurmountable fear...you can overcome it. You can decide one day that Paris is worth it...and just get on the plane. You can squash the giant spider in your kitchen because you are home alone..and the thought of it being alone in the house..alive..WITH you is greater. A true fear lies in your heart....and can render you incapacitated.
I am afraid of losing my family. Of losing the people that I love more than anything else in the world. I dread every time they leave the house, every time they walk away, every time they wave good bye over their shoulder or blow me a kiss from the sidewalk. It's irrational and incomprehensible...I know this. I can't keep them safe..I can't protect them forever. But, it doesn't stop me from wanting to.
And I am afraid FOR them...I am afraid that they are not prepared for loss, or reality, or being alone. I worry about their hearts...fragile and gentle. I worry about what will happen if I am not here to smooth their feathers or heal their wounds. And, I worry about their souls. Are they right with Karma, Jesus, and Buddha? Will they know joy...because they DESERVE joy. Have I taught them, helped them, given them the necessary tools to protect their sacred selves?
Mostly, I am afraid of failing them. Of not being the Mother and Wife they need...the one they deserve. Will she grow up knowing that she holds my heart? Will she remember the lessons I have taught her? Will she share stories of a happy and joyful childhood....or will she need years of therapy? Will he and I grow old together? Will he know that he was always the love of my life? Will he remember...even in times of want and in the coldest seasons of our lives...that we are in this TOGETHER? Will they both ever know how much I truly love and cherish them?

My innermost fears. The pieces of my heart I seldom share...but protect and shelter. Go gently with this information...

See ya on the flip flop side!


XOX!!